Antagonistic kids and their oblivious parents

[notonthebandwagon]

Could I have some advice on how to deal with a child who is bullying ASD child?
This child flies under the radar, being sneaky about it and if I pull him up on it there's tears and pleas of "I didnt' do anything" etc. and the mother simply doesn't believe me - she sees my child acting out because he is so incensed at the injustice of not being believed so her conclusion it it's my child who is the problem. The mother has even gone as far as giving my son a dressing down and threatening him in-front of her child and has even accused my child of lying when I know damned well she couldn't possibly know because she couldn't have physically seen what was going on (even though she says she could).
This child does things such as flick my son's legs or offers his treats to everyone but mine and then if I pull him up on it will force my son to say 'please' before allowing him to have some and it just goes completely over the mum's head.
He pushed mine so far on Thursday my son thumped him so of course, it's my son who is the problem and it's "the autism". No, it's bloody well not, it's the fact that he's being antagonised. It leaves my son feeling persecuted and paranoid so that even when the other child then switches gears and is nice my son doesn't know what to do and is on the defensive - which the mum has noticed and again uses 'oh he's so defensive and takes everything the wrong way - it's the autism' as a way to blame my son for the situation. She doesn't realise that my son only acts like this when he is being teased/antagonised/bullied - and he pretty much only acts this way around this child. Unfortunately they are at pretty much every thing that is organised for home edders in our local area. I fear we're going to become so isolated. This woman is extremely single minded and her opinion is what goes. What do I do?

I would let the teacher know! And ask her to watch out for it, so there's evidence as to when she tells the mother.

If it that doesn't work, I will speak to the head teacher and voice my concerns.

If the school still don't do anything, I will request a meeting with the teacher, head and the mum of the boy who's bullying your son. But some people may not feel comfortable about doing this.

But first thing in the morning, I will talk to the teacher.

All good advice except my child is home educated.

But I did do all of those things when he WAS in school - he's now out of school because those steps didn't work. The school wrote to every parent in my son's class because they realised that 'that parent' (me) had been right. Only 3 parents contacted me to see how they could help to rectify what had happened - out of a class of 30.

This mother though, she is witnessing what is happening and is blaming it all on my son having Autism. Me pointing out that he doesn't usually act so aggressively goes over her head, her directly seeing something goes over her head and on top of it she thinks she has the authority to threaten and discipline my son.

My only recourse the whole day (we couldn't get away, we had travelled a significant distance all in the same car) was to try to get my son to not react (an exercise in futility).

That sounds horrible notonthebandwagon I have never home educated… all I can suggest is that you keep a very close eye on both boys and keep your DS away from the other boy as much as possible. It may be worth looking for other (not specifically home-ed) groups or private lessons he can join so he isn’t isolated – some scout troops or music/sports/dance teachers can be surprisingly good with children who have ASCs. A lot comes down to the individual group leader or teacher.

I’m sorry about your school experience too. I wouldn’t expect many other parents to respond to such a letter and I’m not sure what the school hoped to achieve by it. I can understand the teacher speaking directly to the parents of individual children who were persistently bullying or deliberately provoking your DS. But it’s up to the school staff to watch out for and prevent general bullying and provocative behaviour in school. However, that's water under the bridge.

I hope some home educators will be along soon to give you better advice!

Thanks for your suggestions. I talked at length with my son and we have come up with a plan: if we have to be at an event where they are and the child starts to antagonise my son we are going to have a signal that he uses and I will have other things with me (things my son likes to do) to help distract him from the silliness while being near me - plus the child doesn't dare act if he thinks he will get caught.

I've also started making inroads into getting to know other families.