feeling guilty for not noticing ds asd traits sooner :(

[babyinarms]

Ds just diagnosed with aspergers at aged 9. It's been a long road. 3 years ago the school alerted us to him not following instructions in class. We followed up on it and he was diagnosed with a moderate language delay.
Then 1 1/2 years ago a speech and language therapist felt it was more of a processing disorder. That lead us down the path of an autism assessment. We now have a diagnosis but I feel so guilty for not picking up on his traits myself!
He was always a very passive quiet child and never a pronlem. His speech developed normally enough up to the age of 3 but it never progressed to descriptive or conversational.
He never did imaginery play. He disliked hugs. He spoke continuously about cars and nothing else. He takes everything literally.
I could go on !!
How did I miss all this. While doing the DISCO aspect of the assessment I had an overwhelming sense of guilt !
He was our first baby. If he had been our 3 rd I'd have been v worried. ....cos I see how my other 2 have developed !
Just wish I had been more clued in and the intervention would have happened sooner

Thanks Mary! I have follow up visit tomorrow from social worker so a bit nervous about that also!
At times I used to get cross with him for not playing with his toys . Or I would get annoyed if he didn't get excited over something big like Christmas....I used to think he came across as being spoilec cos nothing seemed to excite him and I used to constantly say ...look at granny when you're talking to her...!
Poor child couldn't help any of that. I just wish I'd known sooner and maybe he wouldn't have had to cope so much on his own.....

Well, telling you not to feel guilty (despite having nothing to feel guilty about!) would be a bit pointless as we all seem wired to feel guilt for everything! A three year lead time from initial concerns being voiced to a firm diagnosis is pretty standard. You've done everything a loving, responsive parent can do. Try not to look back, it doesn't help your DS.

Thanks again Mary and thanks Sweary! I know I have to stop this. I can't even tell Dh cos he'd be annoyed at me for feeling this way.
I suppose just hearing myself and dh talk about his infancy and younger days made me realise he's always been like this . He was never a tantrumous kid but very cautious. We put everthing down to shyness and I made as many play dates as possible but ds only ever showed interest just as we were about to finish up. That could be 2 hours later. It did improve as he got older but it was hard work hen he was younger.
I know I need to be strong for him. Just having a weepy day

Be kind to yourself baby, what you are feeling is hardly surprising. I had to fight to get Dd3 assessed and a diagnosis and yet I still felt sick and guilty when the psychiatrist actually said the words.

Take care

I sympathise too. Please don't feel guilty (even though it is hard). Remember as well that passive cautious dc who are no problem are often the last to be picked up. My dd is exactly the same and I too have got upset or even angry at her about her lack of excitement or engagement on certain things.

Also, we have always had so many family and friends telling us not to worry and that dd is fine so then I feel guilty about worrying and thinking she is not!

It is true that it does no good to look back but its fine to have a weepy day evry so often. Im sure that you will soon be feeling "onward and upwards" and continuing to do everything possible to help your ds.

Thanks ineed and mumsuz feeling more positive today! All I can do now is my best for ds and work on getting to understand him and help more. Thanks a million again :)

Very similar here. Consultant actually complimented us on the way we had brought up DS as he is very high functioning and coping well in mainstream. He was diagnosed at almost 9.

I have just started reading Tony Attwood's Complete Guide and in it he says most diagnoses come are made at age 8-11. So you and us are both spot on. As DH said - that's one of the few things DS has been on target for!

You are also right in that as he is your eldest you didn't know what to look for.

The key thing is you have a diagnosis and can now get the support your DSL - and you - need.

Thanks Essex. ...I readcthst also so it's reassuring to know that others are diagnosed at his age also. I'm starting my first post diagnostic course tonight.....not looking forward to it at all....as dh away and I have to go on my own.
Wish me luck:)
Thanks again x

Why would you recognise them. No one gives us a manual. I am a trained health professional and didn't notice them in my daughter attributing everything to confidence and shyness and being busy with her youner brothers. I think you have done an amazing job getting it recognised at the age he is. It sounds to me like you've been a loving, caring parent (arranging playdates etc) who has done the very best for your child xx

Thanks Laura....at the parent group tonight a lot of their kids were around the samw age as ds and they have all received a diagnosis in the last 6 months so not feeling as bad!
Thank you so much