Totally overwhelmed

[HamAlive]

A few months ago I posted about concerns I had for DS1 (3.6) and was given some really kind support and suggestions. I'm sorry I didn't come back to the thread, I was really struggling. I went to the HV and GP who agreed that something wasn't right and he was referred to a paediatrician for an assessment. The paed thinks that DS1 has ASD. It was such a relief to know I wasn't imagining things and I wasn't a terrible parent. We have some good support in place now, the SENCo at nursery has taken over as his key worker, a SALT is going to be supporting him with his social interaction in nursery and we've had a nursery nurse over for play sessions. The HV is brilliant and I have catch up sessions with her.

But day to day I am just feeling so overwhelmed and sad. DS seems to be really struggling with life in general at the moment. I just want him to be happy but he never seems happy. We go places with friends and it just highlights the differences between him and his peers. I see other children out and about enjoying themselves or playing nicely and I feel so sad.

It feels like we are on a negative spiral at the moment and I don't know how to break out of it. He won't accept cuddles or talks about how he's feeling. It feels like be hates me some days. He's been even more controlling than usual lately too.

Sorry long post, no need to reply just needed to get it out. Is it normal to feel like this? I really need to snap out of it.

Thank you both, much appreciated.

I think you've hit the nail on the head with the control thing and about expectations. He is term time only while I'm on maternity leave, and I found it quite difficult to explain why he had 6 weeks off and then had to go back. Lots of the children have gone off up to school, new children have moved up to the preschool room. Plus we walked in on the first day back and everything was changed around, my heart sank, I could see DS looking very confused. So drop offs have been difficult last week.

Also, he started swimming lessons on Thursday. I'd signed him up months ago because he loves it so much. However he completely shut down for the lesson, went dead weight and expressionless. The instructors were unphased, they have observed him when we take him and told me not to worry and give it a few weeks but I'm worried it's too much for him.

So yes now that you point it out he has lost control of his routine, which explains why we are having so many meltdowns over seemingly small things.

I am finding it hard to lower my expectations of what he "should" enjoy. Although yesterday he took part in something I thought he wouldn't. I cried At the moment he likes reenacting our holiday over and over and over.

On the plus side he has coped so well with having a baby brother. He genuinely seems to adore him! They beam at each other, DS2 thinks DS1 is the funniest person ever and DS2 can put a smile on DS1's face when no one else can!

My DS is the same sort of age as yours and I too suspect ASD. what I'm finding overwhelming is that nobody seems to believe me and although we are still waiting for the report back from his multidisciplinary assessment, from what they said on the day it seems he masks so well that they'll say there's nothing wrong.. DH and I know very differently so it feels like our fight has just begun.

I think this is a really tough age anyway, watching other DC I know at this age (NT) and chatting to their mums they are often grumpy/bossy/wilful and the endless "why??"s...A lot of it is typical at this age..Most of them aren't happy souls all the time!

but of course we know we probably have much more of a job on our hands, I have a younger DD and it's heartbreaking to watch her hit milestones before him. I often feel I have no clue what causes his meltdowns and upset and yet spend 99% of my life trying to micromanage our lives to minimise the chances of him becoming overwhelmed.

It sounds like you're getting some support in place but do you have any time to yourself? I don't get much but the odd 30 mins to an hour I can grab make so much difference to my mood and outlook and my patience levels. .I really recommend you try and grab a little 'me' time if at all possible, it can shed new light on things sometimes

do you think perhaps he struggles with the words for his feelings and that's why he won't talk? DS has a huge vocabulary but when upset he says (or rather screams) "I've lost my words" and he cannot articulate how he feels - I try and talk about my feelings a lot and read books with him and talk about how characters feel and why. .I don't know how much it helps but anything is worth a go.

If he won't accept cuddles can you try a hand squeeze? perhaps tell him it means "I love you and I'm here whenever you need me" - that's what I do. Unfortunately DS and I seem to want cuddles at conflicting times but a hand squeeze is less intrusive if one of us is feeling overwhelmed (I strongly suspect I'm on the spectrum too)

these boards are fab for support so you're right to post here. Don't underestimate how much you're doing for your DS, it's hard work even with a NT toddler, you're doing a grand job and should be very proud. I hope things get easier soon

Oh poor you, I know exactly how you feel and, yes, it is absolutely normal. It's all still very recent and raw and it takes years and years to really come to terms with I think. My DS is 21 months and got diagnosed a few months ago (although I've known for about six months). I have times when I am very, very down about it, although the more time passes, the less frequent those times are and I am slowly accepting it.

I know exactly what you mean about just wanting your DS to be happy - but one of the posters above made a very good point that most NT children don't seem happy much of the time at this age either!

I also used to think my DS didn't love me and I posted about it once. Some very kind people replied that he does love me, he just doesn't know how to show it - and I can see that now. He doesn't like hugs either but very occasionally he will rest his head on my shoulder or come to me when he has hurt himself and I just try to remember those moments when he pushes me away.

Is there a way to spend time with other children and families dealing with ASD? It might help to share your feelings with others who are going through the same thing and avoids the painful comparisons as to development that are only natural when you see other NT children.

If you're really struggling please go and see your GP and come back and chat some more here - feel free to send me a PM if ever you want. Sounds like we're going through similar things .