Ds has been eating in school and happier!! however....

[claw2]

when I asked ds what has changed he said he has lunch at a different time, so he can find a table and sits on his own and get away from others.

Playtime the other children are still mean, but he has a bigger playground and can get away from them now and be on his own.

Also he says he is no good at talking and others ignore him when he does and this makes him sad, so he just doesn't bother anymore.

OT is saying she has seen a different child this term and I have too at home. However it seems this is due to ds isolating himself.

Do I keep banging on to school about working on his social skills etc or just accept that ds is happier when he doesn't have to bother interacting?

I read it that ds does not appear anxious around other dc at unstructured times. He talks to other dc and they understand him and he does not appear anxious in groups per se. But there are times when ds cannot be persuaded to engage in group work.

I would want to know what 'environments' he doesn't feel comfortable with. Why? What is happening? What does not feeling comfortable look like? What do they do when ds can't be encouraged to engage?

I don't think they are commenting on his social skills with peers.

On another note, I think that as dc become older they have to learn coping mechanisms that work for them. Even if needs are perfectly met dc still need to learn coping mechanisms. The aim of adequate or even good provision (as I see it) is learning for life not for passing exams. Our dc need to learn coping mechanisms that do not lead to further problems later in life. There can be a fine line between 'avoidance' and being able to maintain engagement through withdrawing to recharge batteries even if the actual behaviour looks the same iyswim. When DS1 was out of school, I just noted his avoidance and didn't try and force him or even give anything but the lightest encouragement. The whole year was pretty much a 'duvet day' for him and he couldn't cope with anymore. Up until then I hadn't really accepted that he was going to have to board at ss because there was no alternative.

It doesn't really matter what the school think - do you think that he is withdrawing to recharge or do you think he is now avoiding other dc because he expects them to exclude him? Is he choosing to be alone because it feels better or is he feeling sad and lonely?

That's the thing Keep, I think threatening to stab other children, curling up in a ball, running away from TA or just screaming for hours on end, so I have to go pick him up IS appearing anxious, he couldn't make it any clearer. He couldn't manage a day without an emotional outburst of some kind or feeling persecuted by others several times a day. Which is why I am puzzled as to what was written for AR.

He is avoiding other dc's because he feels persecuted/bullied by them, sometimes this is the case, sometimes it isn't. Not many other children will play with him. They tell him to 'go away, you are annoying' or 'cry baby' etc. This makes him very sad.

I asked him last night if he was happier spending time alone., He told me he feels lonely, but not sad. He said when he feels sad, he self harms and he would rather feel lonely than sad. Its the lesser of two evils for him.

Oh dear, I explained what ds had told me yesterday and told OT that ds had been very happy, eating etc and i was seeing a different child at home too after OT emailed asked for my opinion, as to why ds was happier.

Ds has just got home and I asked how was his day. Apparently today while sitting alone at lunch time, his class teacher went and got 2 other children who were sitting elsewhere and 'forced' them to sit next to ds. Ds said that he liked sitting alone but she told him no you cant sit alone! I asked ds are these 2 boys who you like and get along with, he replied no. Ds also says the children in his class know that he likes sitting alone and they are 'fine with it', so why did the teacher do that.

I know they mean well, but...

I asked ds given the choice would he like to have loads of friends, he said 'nooooooooo' not unless they were never mean to anyone. I asked is there a child in his school who is never mean to anyone, he said no. The problem is what ds regards as 'mean' (sometimes very trivial things) and he is very unforgiving.

I asked him does he have any friends and he said no.

I asked him how does it make him feel, he said 'it makes me feel great, not having to worry about friends'

This is what I am thinking in my head - I will be short as I am at work but the teacher deciding what is right seems to be more to make herself feel better than what is actually best for the child - I am guilty of this myself at times and I too have to take a step back and decide if my decision it to appease my bad feeling/guilt or is actually to make a situation better.

Very true Seayork, her idea of happy, is not ds's idea of happy. He is happy to sit alone and eat, he prefers it. He said the teacher 'forcing' children to sit next to him, made him feel worse, as he knew they didn't want to sit with him and he didn't want them to either.

Although I am sure deep down ds does want friends. He wants friends to be how he wants them to be and they never meet his expectations. Other kids quickly find him 'annoying' too.

He has struggled for years to try to 'fit in' and its caused him much anguish, often feeling persecuted by others. Seems he is much happier and less anxious when he doesn't try.

My Ds has just started yr 4 he's 8. He plays every break and lunch with yr 2's. He loves to play with anyone these yr 2's are a much better fit emotional for him, and he worked it out himself. They greet him in the mornings laugh and joke on his line of thought whereas his peers/ class with the exception of a few kind girls ignore him. When he wishes them hello, call him an idiot and a loser.
He started playing with them last term in the summer and for once couldn't wait to return to school. I can see 'issues' with it but for now just enjoying the calm.

My Ds has just started yr 4 he's 8. He plays every break and lunch with yr 2's. He loves to play with anyone these yr 2's are a much better fit emotional for him, and he worked it out himself. They greet him in the mornings laugh and joke on his line of thought whereas his peers/ class with the exception of a few kind girls ignore him. When he wishes them hello, call him an idiot and a loser.
He started playing with them last term in the summer and for once couldn't wait to return to school. I can see 'issues' with it but for now just enjoying the calm.

Dear mrs teacher

Thanks for nothing for doing so well this year with ds & eating, it's been amazing that your organising being able to eat peacefully on a really clean table. It has made such a difference.

Could we do the important work you've kindly started (on social interaction) at another time of day? He finds it really difficult, and if he starts to struggle at the lunch table, all your hard work on eating will go kerputt.

Hugs
Mrs claw

Chess club might work for 'friendships'. If there was a bit of background music, the only interaction is moving their pieces...

And though their moves are a surprise, there's no other novelty

Meir the school OT actually emailed me, saying she was no longer recommending the sensory integration therapy at a specialist clinic, that she was keen to recommend last term due to his high level of anxiety.

She said, so far this term she is seeing a different child (3 days into this term) She anticipates some of this is due to the break from school and his levels may rise as school progresses. There seems to be evidence that he is self regulating.

Then says for me to please let me know if you have any further observations to contribute.

I replied stating I totally agree, I have seen a different child at home too. He is coming home happy and cheerful and has been eating all of his lunch etc. which prompted me to ask ds what had changed in school and for him to tell me, why he feels he is happy and quoted what ds had told me.

Then said if being alone is what it takes and is enabling him to function and be happy and eat, then this is progress and an achievement.

I then asked for her views on that................and no reply. Then class teacher forces other kids to sit with ds at lunchtime, as if ds sitting alone is some kind of slur on them.

Ds has signed up for various lunch clubs most days, but never remembers to go.

I have written in the front of his planner which club, i remind him in the mornings which club and to check his planner but he still doesn't go.

Claw can you get him a pager, or an alarm to remind him?

Or even a cheap phone perhaps?

I could try.

Not sure he actually wants to go, its a bit like having friends, he likes the idea of friends, just not the reality.

Today he was getting really stressed at doing homework, really want to do it and do well, just couldn't and ended up stressed out, despite my best efforts.

He told me 'its all too much, homework and clubs to remember'

Well if he isn't that bothered about friends but has had years of being told he should be making them, and having interventions to 'help him make friends' or 'interact' then surely he has internalised by now the idea that not having any is somehow his failure. And would like to no longer be a failure, - of course this would be best if he didn't actually have to make friends at all.

But I guess the purpose of the clubs is to let him of the hook somewhat at playtimes as structured activities can provide respite from abstract socialisation which is even harder.

And why does he have to remember the lunch clubs.
Would it kill the lunch lady or teacher to say, "Miniclaw, it's 1pm Tuesday, time for you to go to the computer suite for minecraft club"

I'm becoming a right mean old cow. If they can't to something so simple, there's the equalities act to consider. And I'd now be ringing the office at 12.50 to remind them to tell teacher to remind him. And then phoning back at 1.10pm to see if it's happened.

LOL. Yes I'd probably do that too, except, there are already 101 things that Claw needs to ensure the school are doing.

It's just exhausting reading about it, though Claw your ds does sound SO much better than a few years ago.

I know that it isn't good enough, and shouldn't be all you expect, but it IS something small to hold onto. Even though it was your back that did it.

Homework grr. Educationally pointless, and often counterproductive for ASD dc. If they want it, why not homework club or (given he hates lunchtime) let him crack on with it in the library.

Will he let you write in the communication book?- sorry not done, conditions don't permit- reasonable disability adjustment.

Just do his homework yourself. Check his understanding of what you have done either then or at the weekend when all is calmer.

Sorry claw, don't mean to overload you. At least this lot aren't quite as bad as the last crew. Useless rather than abusive. Which is a big achievement & all based on your hard work.

Shame we can't do staff iep

Teacher x will remind Miniclaw 10 min before each lunchtime club.
By- half term. To be achieved on 90% of occasions.
Resources- sticker chart, parent time for praise, box of choc if achieved

Could OT defer decision on the SI ref for a couple of weeks until there's a bit more evidence that improvement will be sustained?

Inner cynic telling me their criteria will forbid any OT input at secondary age.

Star a few years ago ds desperately wanted friends, in fact wanted to be friends with everyone, its the thing that caused him the most anguish. Its like something has just suddenly clicked with ds and he has reached the conclusion friends are not everything, in fact he feels better off without them, trying to maintain friendships is too much hard work, too much worry and his life is far easier and he is happier if he just doesn't bother.

He wont let me do his homework, he would freak at that, its against the 'rules'. He had English, maths, French and spellings. We managed 4 lines of English, even with breaks and lots of encouragement. He was sat constantly humming, fidgeting, tapping his face, flapping his hands. Then another meltdown when I said well done that's enough, as he hadn't finished it and would 'get into trouble'. (I recorded this and sent to OT for 'suggestions')

Meir Last week I chased up ds's amendments to his statement (I included OT recommendations as her report was for AR) This week OT has had a change of heart, due to the great progress ds has made in 3 days. Despite a year of severe anxiety.

Can you threaten OT with getting a private second opinion?

They might agree to do as planned lest you get a recommendation for more that you appeal in tribunal.

I am still waiting on her reply, seems I might have rattled some cages. I will see what she comes back with. But I am betting the LA have been in contact prior to sending proposed statement. I included her recommendation of external therapy as educational needs in my proposed statement. Seems she is now withdrawing that recommendation, surprise, surprise.

I could mention to OT (once I receive proposed) that I am planning on appealing and getting private OT report.