How do you get a normal (ish) family life when you have a dc with sn?

[Hedgyhoggy]

Just returned from a really hard holiday and I'm feeling sorry for myself, dh and other dc. Ds has gdd (5 yrs old) he's lovely if he is doing what he wants to do. Can't go out for meals because he doesn't sit down. He's Great if you are in a large space where he can do what he wants but try and get him to go where you want him to go and it usually results in meltdowns. He is very defiant and can be quite aggressive and annoying to older ds and younger dd. all our family time seems to be centred around him, what he will/ will not do. Try not to but get stressy with eldest ds but I'm constantly worn out by the daily battles and feel like I'm missing out on quality time with my other dc. Minimal help from family, mainly taken up by looking after siblings during hospital/salt appointments etc. I know it could be a lot worse but I'm in need of suggestions as to how to balance my family life so that we have a life. When I think about it I can do very little with my other kids without ds wrecking it. Can't even do a jigsaw or play with Lego without it being thrown around.

How do you cope? X

It gets slightly better in time. At 5, DD1 was like a hyperactive 2 year old. At almost 9, she's like a hyperactive 4 year old.

I think the truth is that you start to let go of your image of a normal family life and accept that life is different for you. Any other way spells a life of disappointment, until life has passed you by, wasted.

Hi total empathy here everything revolves around dd2 who is 4 and has autism

you get a new kind of normal, who wants to be average anyway ;)
It does get better, your other children get a better understanding of their brothers needs as they get older, I have found that has helped enormously.
Have you looked at getting some respite, someone to look after your son so that you can spend time with your other children.
Dividing yourself into so many pieces is hard and there are never enough hours in the day but I bet it bothers you more than your children.
Don't give yourself a hard time, you are human not superhuman.
Don't forget to look after yourself too!

We tend to split into two groups, one parent with the harder-work dc and one with the others. Or else one parent focussing on the dc who's feeling most neglected.

You start not caring about what's "normal".

With my family I'm worried about my other Dcs they need more of my time

I agree with Meir. When you are both there split into 2 groups so that the other DCs get some quality time and attention. Make sure that sometimes they are the centre of attention and ignore (as much as possible) the behaviour of the SN child. Show them that they are just as important.

My DN is practically NC with her parents because her whole childhood revolved around the needs of her autistic sister and she never felt valued or important. When they were teens she was expected to share the responsibility of her sister and missed out on a lot of normal teen activities because of this.

Every birthday party she had and Christmas became about her sister and, over time, she began to resent this and actively disliked her sister.

It didn't have to be that way. We have other friends with children with additional needs who also made sure that their other children had times when the world revolved around them, although it was difficult at times.

Normal? This is our normal, it's just a relatively odd type of normal with added mess.

It does get a little calmer, as they grow up - if I see videos of DS1, pre-school I wonder how on Earth I coped with him. He's currently calmly C&Ping pictures of coins and has managed to stay calm, despite DS2 using his new found speech to goad him.

We have just come back from a week away. We have NT DS who is nearly 8 and DD with SN and she is nearly 6. Like you eating out can be hard and she is much better when there is no pressure to be a certain way in situations that are hard for her.

We went abroad and she is used to the flight, airport etc so that went relatively OK. She had Ipad and watched films/programmes all the way. Lots of snacks etc.

We had a holiday house rather than hotel and we also had a pool. DD LOVES swimming so she had armbands and played in pool with her brother whilst we read books. The DC played together which was pretty rare.

we had one not great lunch out. A day out that turned a bit fractious, but all in all it was a good holiday.

We felt 'normal' because we were just us for most of it. I only really feel 'abnormal' when I see what other families are doing. I will admit it does look a lot easier for them

In addition to above, I have learnt that the more 'normal' things I do, the more my daughter learns. I sometimes tend to overdo it and then regret. So keeping a happy balance while keeping her needs in mind helps

DS has adapted as he's got older (now 7). He can now (thanks largely to iPad) cope with meals out etc. He can walk further. He can ride a tagalong and do a reasonable length bike ride. He has fewer tantrums etc.
But we def choose different holidays and activities.
We always get a cottage etc with a locked door. We tried camping for 2 days last year and although DS loved it was just too exhausting having to watch him every second (not to mention dirty looks when he legged it across everyone else's pitch…I didn't think about all the pitches having numbers, sigh).
We always go somewhere quiet e.g. beach or country or village.
We always make sure the garden is enclosed.
We always try and get somewhere with wifi (which I feel bad about but makes it bearable)
Until DS was 6 we always took a buggy.
We never go sightseeing or anywhere super busy, its just not worth it.
We know holidays are not a holiday but harder work than home so don't expect much.
We do split parenting and take the children to do separate things.
We have now reached the point where we are considering separate holidays - we will still do a week somewhere as a family but one of us will take the other children somewhere else alone so they get to do what they want for a few days
This year we are setting off separately I am going a few days early with DS's brothers and doing some sightseeing on way, then DH and DS are flying out for a week where we plan to do nothing but walk on the beach and sit in the garden.
Back home we get 3 hours a week direct payments from social care so pay someone to take DS out on a weekend and we do something with other 2. Its good for DS as he gets used to having carers that are not us and good for the other 2 to have time with us which is just for them.
We are helped by our other 2 being close in age and now able to play more independently / go to park on own / with friends etc.
Sometimes taking along a friend for other children on days out actually means less hassle as they are happy with their friend and don't want our attention so don't mind that DS is getting it all.
Grandparents sometimes have the other two overnight too and do more of the typical holiday activities with them.
DH and I both try and go away for a few days at other times through the year leaving the other one holding the fort so we actually get a break ourselves with no children - we go during school week as its easier for one of us to cope by ourselves when DCs are all in school.

So really we have given up on the idea that going anywhere with DS means a rest!