How can I help dd1 with playdates?

[booglywoogler]

Hi there,
Posting this in the SN section, although we don't yet have a diagnosis (flagged up that 5year old dd may have an ASD, but on looong waiting list for assessment, so don't know. Most people who have had a lot of contact with her -teachers, nursery staff, me(!), seem to conclude that she is a bit "odd" in ways that are hard to define). Anyway, its taken her a long time to show an interest in other children but over the last few months this has started to emerge. However, now her interests tend to be a bit "obsessional" - she "fixates" on some children and talks about them all the time, wants to see them all the time etc (this is not necessarily reciprocated at the same level, and though it breaks my heart to say it, I don't think she is particularly popular at school). Anyway, I have persevered with organising playdates, in the hopes that it will be helpful for her.
Twice now on playdates she has done this odd thing, copying the other child even though they really don't like it and are asking her to stop. When I try to gently intervene, and explain that the other child doesn't like it, she gets angry and defiant and it makes no difference.
Also, she repeatedly does the same thing at the end of a playdate saying "no, the playdate isn't finished, you are staying for a sleepover" - grabbing the other child sometimes, telling them "lets run away from our mummies". She does this even if the other child is uncomfortable with it. The last few times this has happened I have ended up physically holding her while she struggles (which feels awful), while the other family "escape".
Today I had a chat with her about the fact that the other children don't like it, that it won't work and mean that she gets a sleepover, and that I will have to start removing priveledges like TV etc if she does it again. I have yet to see if that will work.
I would really appreciate any advice on this, or if anyone has been through anything similar.
Also more generally any advice on helping her with her empathy/social skills if that's possible. I think she really wants friends, its just that she is focussed on herself and her own needs/wants and always has to be in control (when she plays with me she likes to dictate the game etc and gets upset if she can't).

Thank you so much. Everything you have said there feels worth a go. Its made me think that perhaps the whole experience - although she wants it - is actually a but anxiety provoking for her and she needs help to manage that.

My dd i

We have always found playdates very difficult!

Dd3 couldnt really manage sharing her stuff and she used to get very upset if she couldnt lead the play all of the time.

We opted for meeting people in parks and at the dreaded soft play [early in the morning], this has worked well over the years and has allowed Dd3 to have some social stuff in the holidays but not put pressure on her.

Good luck

Thanks for your reply, patience. And the good luck wishes . I have started to wonder if half the battle at the moment is being in the possible-but-not-yet-diagnosed zone. I don't really know how to understand her, or how (or if I even should be) explaining her behaviour to others. I just know that other parents and children (and me...) experience her as "odd" (controlling/obsessive). Part of me wants to "explain" her behaviour, so that people don't think its her "fault" and can try and be understanding. But I don't know if I'd be jumping the gun, or actually how it would be recieved.

not sure I can help but I have seen most of those types of behaviour demonstrated at times by different friends of both my daughters at around this age. some of them are quite obsessional about one particular child for quite some time, others can't end a playdate at all, some can't cope with more than half an hour of a friend over to play, some are obsessed with inviting a child they aren't particularly friends with to come for a sleepover even though they aren't really invited but the child likes the idea of it. Some of this behaviour really is completely normal at that age so I wouldn't worry about explaining it to other parents if you don't want to. You could just say something like 'oh we are trying to explain to DD that this isn't how she should behave' and then move on to something else.

Before a playdate I would try and explain to her very clearly that you will tell her half an hour before her friend will be going home, then when you do say it is time to go then you will go home. explain that they have to go home because of x y or z (perhaps have something lined up you can tell her is for dinner and that you have to start making it) to try and avoid a sleepover question. To explain this to another parent you could tell them that she gets so excited about having friends over she then gets a bit carried away and doesn't yet know how to deal with people having to go home so this is what you are going to do.

any of that sound useful?

oh and we are in a 'ASD or not' whilst waiting for appointment with our 6year old so I do understand.

nonickname, that is really helpful. The whole "ASD or not" thing is really affecting my perpsective I think, so its really helpful to reflect that a lot of what goes on could actually be "normal" (whatever that is...). Sadly, a lot of the "sleepover" nonsense seems to be tied up with being defiant and deliberately not doing what I say, so if I say "there's half an hour to go" it encourages her to start plotting (telling the other child to hide etc) and winding herself up for the big finale. Good news today was that she coped pretty well leaving a playdate in the park! So I'm wondering if the chat about other people not liking it has "sunk in" to some extent...we shall see!

You are in the worst possible place at the moment, not knowing is really hard.

We were advised by a practitioner at CAMHS to treat Dd3 as though she did have Asd as she certainly showed lots of traits (prediagnosis). She suggested trying some strategies that can work with children with Asd as they might help and they certainly cant do any harm.

We use lots of visuals including a red and yellow card (like footballers) to help Dd3 to understand when her behaviour is becoming unacceptable.

Have a read of "The explosive child" by Ross Greene too, if you have a spare 30 seconds!!

Thanks, I will definately use my next spare minute to give that book a go - I have heard it recommended before!