One week into MS and DS is out of his depth and I can't stop crying

[paperchaser]

DS -ASD - started MS Reception last Wednesday. Have been assured by teacher that he's "fine" at school and he seemed happy enough when we collected him. Was turned down for a statement at nursery and haven't wanted to pursue it really due to burying my head in the sand. It's been obvious to me that he hasn't a clue what he's doing when I drop him off in the morning. All the other kids are lining up and DS is just standing there looking vacant so I try and encourage him and tell him what to do - everyday. All the other kids walk single file into the classroom but DS just stands there looking vacant again till I tell him to follow. Have been trying to stay positive - telling myself that he'll be ok but knowing that I'm just kidding myself.

He came home today and thinking back he did seem a bit sad. I'm going through a seperation with his dad but we're still living together and I've been preocupied with my feelings. Bathing him tonight he screamed when I washed his hair and I found a massive bruise on his head. It's circular and about 2 inces in diametre and bright red. I don't know if I'm making any sense here but it's one of those bruises where you can see little specs of blood under the skin but it's not bleeding because the skin hasn't broke.

I asked him about it and he told me that one boy grabbed him round the neck and another pushed him to the ground (and presumably DS smashed his head on the ground). I asked him what the boys names were and he said they were called 'bubbblegum', 'micky' and 'mouse'. His nan is a cook at the school and she told me that he'd spent lunch time with a boy from year 2 who's known for bullying. I don't know what the hell has gone on there today but i'm gutted and soooo angry with the school for not looking out for him. The playground is huge and they know that he won't approach an adult if he's hurt or scared. I want to believe that it was just an accident but I feel like I've let him down by leaving him in that environment. I'm so upset that he wasn't able to tell me that his head was hurting and that he didn't have anyone to comfort him today when this happened. I don't know whether I'm coming or going at the moment. I look at the other 4 year olds and they can speak properly and have awareness. DS is just so unaware. I know that tomorrow he'll be excited about going to school again and I feel so sad that he's so oblivious. I don't know whether these boys were taking the piss out of him by giving these ridiculous names or whether he didn't understand what I meant when I asked him what thier names were.

I don't know what to do about tomorrow. I don't want to think of him in the playground. I know I need to speak to his teacher about what happened today - even if it was just an accident i'm so upset that he didn't tell anyone what had happened - but I know I'm going to wake up with big swollen eyes and then start crying in front of everyone if I try and say it. P has suggested taking him in at luchtime when we can go together and explain together how worried we are about him not being supervised in the playground. I feel like I'm letting DS down. I want to be strong and go and speak to his teacher tomorrow morning and speak clearly without bloody crying all the time. I feel so bloody useless and selfish. I should be in bed now but I'm just gutted and feel bloody hopeless.

I'm sorry if this message is all over the place. I'm so tired but can't sleep. I feel like I'm 20 years older than I really am. Oh btw I used to Lillypond but haven't posted on SN for ages.

So sorry to hear about this paperchaser

You are not useless or selfish at all - I can imagine how upset you must feel abotu this, and your partner's suggestion sounds sensible to me: give the school a call in the morning and make an appointment to speak to the head (or if not the head, then the most appropriate contact at the school) at some point tomorrow. Try - I know it's hard - but try not to worry about crying ... if you burst into tears, it won't be the end of the world. The main thing is to get to the school and talk it through with them: find out what happened, and why there was no-one around to protect your ds. Have you found the school helpful so far in your dealings with them? How was ds tonight? Do you think he will not want to go to school tomorrow because of what has happened?

Hi, I don't have any experience of ASD - but do have a dd with sn, and a ds at school - and I'm up and didn't want you to feel alone.
Talk to the teacher tomorrow - don't worry about crying - it happens - I cried last week when I was explaining my daughters difficulties to her sn classroom assistant last week - dd had been in tears at home and it just spilled out of me. I assume he is on the sn register - can the school ask for hi to be reconsiderd for a statement? Sorry I have no more practical advice to give you - am here and happy to listen if you want to chat more.

hiya!! I hope you dont mind me posting here.

I just wanted to let you know someone has read your post. I think P's idea is great, go in tomo with him and have a chat about what's gone on. You will only worry about it if you dont.

dont worry about your emotions comming out, it only stands to reason that you should be upset.

Has the school got "playground buddy's" or anything like that? where children befriend other children who may be scared in the big playground?

How is ds feeling about it now? I hope his head gets better soon xxx

Sorry, just reading through your message again, I can see that you feel you should have pushed for the statement - is it too late to do that now?

paperchaser/lillypond, I remember chatting with you before. I am so, so sorry to read about this. I agree with the others that you should go in and talk to someone about this. You and your ds need to feel that he is safe at school. Put on your Mama Lion coat and go in with the confidence that you know what is best for your son.

Thinking of you,
jabber

Paperchaser,

Sweet, hard as it is you're going to have to get your head out of the sand. Your son needs and is entitled to a Statement.

Speak to his teacher asap and if you have no joy go to the Headteacher. Also request a meeting with the SENCO.

The request for same needs to come from you as the parent: do not rely on school to do it as they may not actually do so and more importantly school do not have the right of appeal if the request for a Statement is declined.

There is nothing to stop you writing to the LEA today requesting an assessment. It is never too late to apply for one (if successful he will be helped in class and perhaps even at lunchtime). School should hopefully be supportive of your efforts.

IPSEA are very good in this regard and they can help. There are also model letters that parents can use to draft their request to the LEA.

Not surprised unfortunately but appalled to see that a previous request was declined at nursery. He should have had the Statement then.

Not a long term solution by any means but is there any way you can take DS home for lunch?. At least he will not be subjected to the mercies of the playground then.

www.ipsea.org.uk is the website in question re the Statement. Apply for it!!. It will do you a power of good to be doing something else positive for your son apart from going into school.

my son who is eight has just got a panel? for ASD so he can have extr funding to help him and it has taken thi long to get it He gets bullied at shool they call him gay and chase him a lot he trips up etc ut I know how upsetting this is and how much you want to do but dont know what to do for he best I suppose all I wanted to say was your not alone I am thinking of you and I hope you get it sorted for your little boy to be honest sometimes I would love my DS to give these people a taste of there own medicine but he just isnt like that take care x

Lillypond / Paperchaser

So sorry to hear this - I have been thinking about you from time to time and wondering how you are getting on. If your Ds is not 5 yet he doesn't have to go to school. Could you consider keeping him away until you have sorted something out. Does he have any support at school at all. I am so sorry you are separating with your Dh as well - things are pretty hard at the moment. I wish I was nearer so I could come and help you. Do you have any help?

Thank you everyone. Feeling much less emotional today - no tears left probably

P has been great today. He came hom from work at 8.30 to take DS to school and I stayed here. I know I should have gone but I couldn't face it and I was so tired and my eyes are hurting. He explained it all to DS's teacher and told her that we're worried about him being left in the playground today and mixing with older children when he really struggles to keep up with his peers. She promised that she would keep re-inforcing with DS today about reporting things to an adult and she would make sure he was being watched at lunch time. She seems very nice and she phoned me at lunch time today to say that he was playing with 2 kids in his class and was being supervised. She's also setting up a meeting with the SENCO but did stress that DS is happy and is joining in with class activities and is getting quite a lot of support from the TA.

I do feel that it's time to get a statement in place now and we'll speak to the SENCO about it at the meeting. Attila - thanks for advice on IPSEA. I'll look into them before the meeting

sniff - so sorry to read your post. My DS can be very aggressive at times, but never in retalliation. He just lashes out at anyone for seemingly no reason. I know how you must be feeling.

JW and Saker - thanks for your lovely posts. Hope you and your boys are well Saker. How is DS2 getting on now at his school. I often think of you too as you and Blossom always pick me up when I come on here feeling down. My seperation with P is a good thing really and has been in the pipeline for a few years, but delayed because of DS's DX and all the stres and worry that we've gone through. It's a joint decision and I know that we'll stay friends after he moves out and he's a great dad. He wants to do as much as he can to help DS so I know he won't miss out on having his dad around. Thanks for thinking of me

so glad ds had a much better day.xxx

Get thee a statement NOW. A simple letter to the LEA is all it takes. I have heard so many people rely on the schools to do this when it is much easier to just make a parental request.

God, i feel for you! Your reality right now with DS is what my nightmares are made of. My boy is just starting nursery and enters real school next year. The thing is it dosent HAVE to be like this. There is support for those who fight for it, and as you rightly say, you will have to get cracking for your wee fella. If the teachers at your son's school were at all clued in, they would have been coming to you and telling you the problems, instead of you having to find out things arent right via your son's bumpy head! Absolutely appalling! but so common, at least from what i have read. Teeth getting smashed in, kids being pinned to the ground and beaten... jeez the list is endless. If i found the little beggars who did this I would have great difficulty not using corporal punishment on them. Maybe this is a very rude wake up call to you to get the finger out for your guy. Get the statement, at least get the ball rolling. It takes ages so please take advice here, and get going with it now.

If you start the statement process, beware, people lie!! document EVERYTHING ON PAPER, including this awful incident. Keep notes of all phone calls, comments from teachers and LEA's etc. You are going to have a huge file at the end of this process. The wrangling we had to do to get our boy statemented was immense. It also took over a year.

Your dont need to be concerned with that now, though. Just send the letter to the LEA. Dont wait for the school, and dont let them badger you into thinking only they can do it for you. Its your son's right to have one. You are your son's greatest advocate, sometimes the only one!

Almost forgot. sometimes crying is very useful. When teachers see parents visibly upset, they take notice. It works better than verbally bashing them sometimes. Stiff upper lips dont help our kids.

Thanks champs

mmddww - thanks for advice. DS was pushed over again in the playground on Wednesday but this time it was seen by a memeber of staff. It was the boy that MIL saw him with on Monday which worries me no end as it feels like DS is being targetted. He was awake most of Wednesday night and was too tired for school on Thursday morning, so I phoned the school and said that I think he's distressed and worried about this boy and it's interfering with his sleep and that I'd be keeping him home for the day. Probably not the best thing to do in hindsight but I couldn't face getting him ready and walking to school with him so tired - it's exhausting at the best of times as he won't help with dressing, hates his teeth being brushed, screams when I wash his face and needs constant encouragement to walk the 10 minute journey to school. P is home tomorrow though so he'll be going back in. Will speak to teacher tomorrow about the meeting with SENCO next week and I'll let her know that we'll be applying for a statement. Hope your DS is doing well with his statement