Dont know what to do with development

[OnAshes]

I was in charge and so knew what I was going to do with DD3 (start tutoring) and handled all very calmly at school, but now after the day at home and running out of handkerchiefs I am not clear on anything except that I need another handkerchief.

There is a strong background of ASD in the family. All concerned are very bright and doing well, some with a Statement etc. DD3 seems to not have it and I thought she would sail through school without any issue. Now she finished Year 2. Since Reception she was struggling and I explained it by her being one of the youngest with a birthday in August, having learned to speak English only at 3, although she wasn't fluent in any other language by that age either. I hoped with a good friendly teacher she would make progress and she did. However the message from the school is that nothing is wrong with her, she just is not "academic" in a "very academic class"/school. I know I should count my blessings, but can I just disagree and say I don't believe that? She wouldn't be so eager and motivated and enthusiastic if she really were "not academic". But there is something. The teacher says she needs additional explaining.

I blame myself for failing her development. I am a little AS and not very talkative. Maybe, well definitely, she didn't get enough language stimulation in early years? She learned to speak very late. I hate fiddly arts and crafts and didn't do much of those with her- does it affect her ability to think, finish her work / projects at school. Maybe she didn't get enough of something that develops focus and concentration, maybe even independent thinking. When I try reading with her it all goes wrong. The teacher says she is listening but needs repeating things. I didn't do anything different with elder DC, except they were at a better nursery, and they came OK academically, although with ADHD, ASD etc, one with a Statement. I thought DD3 seems so bright and eager; she'll be all right...

She comes home and shares her worries that "today nobody played with me" and that the usual suspects teased and bullied her a bit. But the next day she would come and say that such and such is her best friend. Today she came out of the class crying. One of her "best friends" didn't invite her to her birthday party, which was today. Maybe it's the mother with whom I am not particularly close. The school say she has good empathy, very caring, is well integrated in a small circle of friends. She is not ASD then. Or maybe just masking it? Does she really get who her friends are? Can she use her empathy to control other people (isn't this what empathy really is)?

Sometimes she reacts to sudden change of plans with such emotion and anxiety that I don't see from the statement DS. She was so looking forward to dancing at the summer fair and when it was time to dance had a huge anxiety attack, eventually danced a few circles and then came to me asking whether, please, could she not dance anymore...? The teacher say it was because of unusual setting and because I was there. The teacher says she doesn’t have anxiety in class. But then she says DD3 is reluctant to speak in front of the class or even in a small group, need more confidence, while she readily puts her hand up to participate in class discussion. DD says she is shy. At home I don't see her as shy; she could talk for England to tease her brother. The teacher also said DD3 does show some anxiety in class if she feels she is running out of time to finish her work. DS1 and 2 struggled finishing their work. Occasionally she arranges things in rows. Nobody at home ever does it, not even the statemented DS. DD3 found a box with old alarm clocks and put them all 5 of them in a strait line. When we were at the CAMS with DS2, she sat quietly with a box of toys and arranged all the animal figures in neat rows - 5 elephants, 6 tigers, etc until the box was empty.

Maybe she is ASD, but if she isn't what could I do? What should I do to "catch up" or "correct" her development. Is it language? Completing tasks? Why could she struggle to grasp new concepts in maths, putting "non academicness" aside for the sake of argument? What skill should I try to develop and through which activities?

What is the developmental problem that the thing like "pupils premium trys to solve? What is the developmental / educational issue there?

Sorry it's long.

DD had a few sessions of speech therapy just before starting Reception and there were some area for development, but overall they judged she was in normal range. She had sensory assessment and they found some quirky things, like sensory seeking behaviours and being sensitive to clothes, but again in absense of other ASD diagnosis they said it's not severe and need to wait and see. DD had a psychology assessment for the primary place appeal, although by a clinical, not an educational psychologist. She observed some quirky behaviours in her clinic and I shared a few observations about sensory seeking behaviours. Her observation was that DD was socialising in nursery, so she comcluded that DD is fine, but her behaviour is affected by seeing ASD behaviours in the family. Since that report the school always tell me DD is socialising and is empathetic, so she is fine... My statemented DS also was socialising and certainly could show care and concern for his "friends", not having any insight into peoples's motives and thouths what so ever. Both DS were diagnosed at the age of 8 - 9 in Y4-5. I just can't book EP and SALT privately for the moment. Need to wait and see whether school would do anything.

But basically that psychology report and the school seem to say that DD is affected by the ASD environment at home, ASD mother and brothers are her problem... So how can I help it? Surely there are things I could and should be doing.

So please share some thoughts on the development of language, thinking, focus, I don't know...

I am sorry if I offended anyone with the pupils premium. I didn't mean to. The government when itroducing pupils premium was says it helps some problem, so I just want to understand what is it, so maybe DD has it too and then I would know what problem I am trying to help and get some ideas how I could do it. If you say there is no point in pupil premium, I would be glad to lean that. Just please share some thoughts...That's all.

Well I think she is on the spectrum, a little bit, on the high functioning end. And it is all well hiddeen and masked as she is a girl. Some traits must be there, otherwise why this resistance and anxiety to change, why this difficulty to find clothes that don't "tickle". She plays mostly with boys, although they bully her. She plays with an imaginary friend and takes cuddly toys to school. There is a continuous anxiety that this or that girl doesn’t want to play with her. There is some passive aggressive, manipulative behaviour at home. I do think she is mimicking social and empathetic behaviours, but maybe not.

But the school is saying she has friends, she is empathetic and fine.

The fact that she is struggling with learning tells something. I feel if she were low ability, she wouldn't be so enthusiastic and inquisitive. There is something with her about getting the job done, which is a major problem for me and ASD DSs. There is some problem with getting the new concepts from the teacher, which is totally new to me, I don't know what to do. Could it be something to do with language or executive function, or hidden anxiety ?

My question for Pupil Premium was not about the money. The websites says that it aims "to raise the attainment of disadvantaged pupils and close the gap between them and their peers". So I want to understand what is the developmental reason for this gap in attainment, as it may apply to DD.

Yes, I am familiar with Tony Attwood and other literature about girls with AS. Girls are much more difficult to diagnose. I already tried and now the school is using that Psychology report to dismiss my concerns. I am just pushy mother that thinks everything is ASD and wouldn't accept that her DD is non academic. The school just says she is not academic, deal with it. So how do I deal with helping DD?

I didn't do any more activities with DSs, except they were full time in a better nursery and my mother was much more around to chat and stimulate them. DD was at home with me in early years, so maybe I didn't stimulate DD so she grew up non academic.

I just need to identify something in my immediate control that I could do to help, that does not involve assessment for ASD, as it is not in my control for the moment.

I do get a wibe from you, Polter, that I should push for the assessment and diagnosis. But I think in that case it should be a very sharp professional experienced with diagnosing "well hidden" high functioning girls. Any advice?

Thanks Polter.

Could anyone tell me more about Language for Thinking and Headsprout... DD started to read, is Headsprout still appropriate?

Any more ideas, perspectives?

Not had time to look at Polter's links so I could well be repeating what she's said.

The fact that she is struggling with learning tells something. I feel if she were low ability, she wouldn't be so enthusiastic and inquisitive. There is something with her about getting the job done, which is a major problem for me and ASD DSs. There is some problem with getting the new concepts from the teacher, which is totally new to me, I don't know what to do. Could it be something to do with language or executive function, or hidden anxiety ?