Dealing with NT 'friends'

[ThatsNotAKnifeThatsASpoon]

DD is 4.3. She displays some symptoms of autism but we have been told it may be 'just' social anxiety and have been advised to delay a full autism assessment until she has received some psychological and speech and language therapy (which we're trying to access currently) to address her anxiety in social situations. She is in a wonderful pre-school (mainstream, but small class size) where we plan to keep her for another year (not in UK). We have been told she should be ok in mainstream school with some additional resource hours, so she will attend when she's 5.

Thanks for reading so far!

At times she really struggles in social situations. If she's not comfortable/familiar with the kids/adults around her she doesn't talk at all. She also struggles at times with sharing/taking turns (not sure if this is outside normal range of behaviour for a 4 year old though?)

Anyway we have another 4 year girl next door. Their relationship is a bit tenuous. At times DD will joyfully ask to go out and play with her if she sees her outside but then won't talk to her when she sees her. Things often go downhill if the other little girl starts looking for turns of DD's bike/scooter (she does this a lot, to be fair to DD) and then DD clams up if she gets annoyed. The other little girl is starting to get on my nerves, to be honest, and I'm wondering how best to deal with her.

Today she started asking me why DD screams 'every day' (an exaggeration I think). DD does make 'screamy' kind of sounds sometimes when she's uphappy in such situations rather than verbalizing her discomfort. I do try to minimize this but it's difficult. Other times she asks me why DD doesn't share (as I said this girl always pesters my DD for turns on her stuff even though she has her own bike and scooter). She rarely speaks to DD herself and addresses all questions about DD to me directly, which I'm stumped how to answer.

I know I am probably being overly-defensive about my DD but I do find this girl a bit of a tell-tale (she pointed out to me that my younger DD had gotten dirty in a puddle today also - so what?). I don't know how to respond to her about my DD's behaviour. I would prefer it if she would talk to DD directly (it might encourage DD to speak, rather than hearing herself spoken about) but I know she doesn't do this because DD won't always respond to direct questions. I'd rather not get into a discussion about the details of DD's problems with this girl's parents.

Any advice? DD gets on ok in pre-school socially (now that she is used to her classmates and lovely teacher) but that's probably with a fair bit of intervention from the teacher. Generally she gets on well with children a year or so younger than her, probably because they're more on her levelly verbally.

PS sorry this is so long

Is DD your only child? My eldest ds asked me why ds doesn't talk - but he's my son as well so I did tell him. "Were all different, some people are not so good at x but great at y" etc. But as it was family we later had the chat about the route cause as its not going away ever and my eldest has to live with that, your neighbours girl doesn't so she would only needs to have minimal info.

How about "She is upset and needs you to be kind about sharing and taking turns" or something like that.

I'm very open with other parents about my ds but I couldn't care less really and I would rather there was no questions behind my back. You don't have to tell anyone anything, only if you think it will help your dd.

Hi 2boysnamedR, thanks for your reply. I have one younger DD who is 1 and a half so obviously she's not questioning anything (yet) but I realize she too will eventually question my older DD's behaviour and I'll have to deal with it then.

I have had other kids sometimes query DD's behaviour - one was a cousin one year older who she doesn't see very often, he asked why she doesn't talk. I don't think explaining her problems to either his or the neighbouring child's parents would help anyway really as they're rarely around when these questions arise, plus given we don't understand as yet the exact nature of the problems I wouldn't know what precisely to say. You're right though, I don't give a toss what people make of her issues but if I think it will help her then I should say something.

I will try the 'she doesn't like x but how about doing y instead' explanation next time, DD is very stubborn though and it can be hard to shift her out of a bad mood if things have gone sour. I would really like to resolve these issues with this child as it does DD no favours in the long run avoiding social situations like this, plus I know I won't be around to help her when this stuff arises at primary school :-(

Thanks again for the reply though.

I hope some one else can give more advice. As my ds gets older I find his quirky ways are more the 'norm' for us and all round him. Everyone is used to him now (but he's very compliant!) How about if your involved with the playing and can model how to share? "Its her turn now, I think you've had yout go - time to share etc" then maybe both th girls will see they need to have turns. If it turns sour you could then be dd voice - "I don't think she wants to do that anymore - do you dd?" and distract onto something else.

Its exhausting I know. DS lets people walk over him - I often have to step in "do you really want to do that ds? You can say no if hes annoying you" then hope someone gets the hint

2boys my DD sounds quite similar to your DS. She is very compliant but I am so used to her ways I sometimes forget that her behaviour can seem odd to others. As she's my eldest I also don't always have anything to compare to to know if her behaviour is 'odd' or not - and sometimes get a shock if I observe other kids her age acting differently which highlights a problem in her behaviour that I wasn't aware was a problem, iykwim... Yes it's tough isn't it. Thanks for all the tips,think I need to involve myself more actively in play to be DD's voice, as you say. The constant questions from this kid really grate on me though!

I had this conversation with DS2 today. He is physically disabled and there is a girl in his class who has ASD. He was saying "X is naughty". I explained that he has a disability because he uses a wheelchair as he can't walk very well. This isn't naughty but if DS1 refused to walk that would be naughty as he can walk fine. X's disability is different from DS2's because she can walk but finds being friends and talking difficult. So when she gets upset because other children in the class are making a noise then she's not being naughty.

Hope that makes sense. Haven't had much sleep!

Zzzzz thanks for your reply. I think I have tried in the past to be direct with her and say, for example, that DD has shared with her but needs a bit longer on her turn of the bike (or whatever). She is very persistent though but I will try to perhaps be more clear and firm with her. I think there's a fine line there though - I'd be nervous of maybe appearing too stern with her and/or criticizing her own behaviour - I could see her telling her parents about it and them not being too happy with me and might see that as not being my place. Thanks though, I think your post validates (for me at least) my annoyance with this girl.

Elliejjtiny, I think that's a very good way to explain a disability such as ASD to an NT child. How old is your DS2? I think I need to talk to DD's pre-school teacher as I think she may have talked to the other children at pre-school about DD and I wonder how she phrased it to them.

I didn't realise that about chronological age, zzzzz, that's interesting. Socially anyway it two thirds sounds about right for DD. She gets on very well with one of her cousins who is 3.

As I alluded to in my first post, we are kind of in limbo with a diagnosis for DD (could be ASD, could be 'just' anxiety) so I do find it hard to know what we should be looking out for (i.e. didn't know the chronological age ASD thing). At times I am hopeful that it is anxiety rather than ASD but then we notice something about her behaviour that points more to ASD than anything and I feel very sad for my DD... I know that's silly of me. She is who she and and that is a wonderful, funny, imaginative and artistic child, who may happen to have ASD. When it's just us at home I often don't notice anything or think about it but it's those little interactions like today outside the home that bring me down. I'm sure many people on this board can relate. I know I need to shake it off though and get on with things for her sake.