How to support ds with social communication difficulties

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First of all I have to say that it don't know where ds problems are coming from or if he has done SN as such but her certainly has big issues talking to people, making friends and generally communicating.

He has never been to another child house and never had anyone coming over. I told him numerous times that maybe he should ask X or Y to come over for a play but he never does. He has had hopes a number if times that he would go to X all that to realise on the day, when I'm picking him and his db up that no there is and has never been any play date organised.
Yesterday was one of those days and my heart broke for him again. :(
I'm not sure what to do about it. Should I leave it to him as I've done in the past? Or try and push/organise something for him? Is there any ways I can help him make friends?
He is in Y4, 9yo and tbh by now, they all organise themselves with parents only involved to check it's ok.

My first port of call would be school to see if they can get extra help for him. It is worth him being seen by a SALT to see if there are any specific social communication problems and school can refer you for this. There are things school could be doing to help e.g. social skills groups. Do they also report issues. Does he do any out of school activities - my two coped with cubs for a while - which gave the illusion of some social contact in a controlled setting.

As well as social communication are there any other issues such as sensory, rigidity of thought, tantrums etc etc. If so it might be worth going the GP route and asking for your son to be seen by a community paediatrician.

The gap between my sons social skills and their peers really widened at nine. They are now diagnosed with AS but there were a lot of other issues as well as the social communication difficulties.

Not in my house! I wish. Just spent the morning, looking at how to organise everything and everyone.

Sit with him. Make a list of the people he would like to spend time with and what he would like to do. Summer is here: picnics, park, the beach - if you are taking an extra child, the invite coming from you will sound fine.

Maybe try it one-to-one (this is why I have been juggling today) so, just him and potential friend, with you in background?

Prep him for conversations: get him to think what the other person is interested in, would like to talk about, do, things they have in common. DS2 has autism and I have recently come across Joel Shaul - his stuff/books are amazing. There is quite a lot of free resources.

We all need help with relationships.

I'm not wanting to be negative but we've tried all that.
SALT said his pattern would be congruent with AS, CAMHS says no AS at all. He is absolutely fine. And school can't see any issue at all :(:(
Unfortunately what we have left is what we can do at home to support him.

I would love a diagnosis so we can be more efficient in supporting him but haven't a clue now where to start again.

Sorry x post there!

Until recently he wasn't saying much, even with friends and because he never said to me 'oh yes having someone over would be great' I have been worried that I would be pushing him to do something he is terribly uncomfortable about.
I mean he is still incapable to tell you what his 'friends' like doing, apart from the very very obvious, like X likes to play tennis when they do tournaments together!

I'll have a look at these books too. Thanks!

I just put social communications checklist into google - the one used to diagnose isn't there but the ones that come up ask the right questions: have a look - they might help you work out why you are so concerned. As far as I remember - I filled one checklist out and so did the school - it is common there is a difference. Different environments leading to different behaviours.

Organisations can and do stonewall. Have you tried the paediatrician route? Have you rung NAS and asked their advice? Our local branch were amazing during our last crisis - they understood, they knew the local dynamic - CAMHS help? Ha! - and they rang me back a couple of days later to see how I was.

Social relationships are immensely complex and prerequire so much thought, knowledge and skills that it is only when it doesn't work, you realise what is actually involved. Try doing it the other way: choose an activity you know DS will like: say the cinema and then, go through all the people at school, in your family circle, that he might like to go with - so, all he has to say is "yes" or "no" to each 'candidate'.

Join your local NAS group - you don't need a diagnosis. They have activities - for me, it has been lovely being around other people who understand but no, DS didn't make any friends, which was the real reason for going. So this summer, I will try out some new activities, plus the just him playdates. Will let you know if we have any breakthroughs.

What could you do to help a 13 year old girls to improve social skills? She has only two friends who she meets occasionally. She wants to see them more regularly but they are busy with their friends. They both have made a lot of friends at secondary school while she doesn't have a single friend at school. I suggested she goes to a summer camp for teens but she doesn't want to go on her own and non of her two occasional friends are interesting in going. She is very keen to make new friends and it's making her very unhappy that she doesn't have enough friends. Any ideas what i could do to help her meet new friends. She already does two activities outside school. She recently met one friend at one of the activities who was texting her a lot but my DD told me yesterday that her new friend hasn't replied to her text message from two days. Any ideas for the summer? We will be going on holidays for two weeks in August but I want to keep her busy the rest of the summer. Are there any girls in North London who are in the same situation and want to meet during the summer holidays? Thanks

Does she make friends when put in a group sharing an interest? Mine don't; but one-to-one works. I was thinking drama groups, trampolining, ice-skating- something where not initially knowing anyone isn't a problem.

Start with a list of things she likes doing, things she would like to try - trawl the local listings of activities for groups, new activities, things for free/cheap: library, swimming pool, parks.

Could she volunteer somewhere? Get a small job in a caf, babysit for neighbours? As a teenager, I lived at my local riding stables for two summers - very time consuming, enjoyable and much cheaper than buying a pony!

Don't forget to plan chill-time: catch up on films, box sets, a little xbox action, garden, paint, have nails and hair done. If she and you can come up with a "programme" for the summer, it might make her feel better and she will know, she has your support.

safe thank you so much for all these recommendations. I had an interesting look at what Joel Shaul is doing yesterday and came back with a few possibilities.

The idea of playing on interests is a good one too. It is sort of working for ds2 now (before he would just stay silent) but I think he will probably do better with some one to one with some of these kids too. Otherwise it stays so much at the surface that they never get to 'know him' if that makes sense.

I remember spending lots of time doing a special Sport and helping out when I was a teenager too, just like you did with riding.

Will try and remember some of the things ds1's school are working with him.

1. To interact in a pair. ds1's previous school complained he couldn't do group work but never realised that until he gained the skills to interact with his peers on a one-to-one basis that group work was never going to go smoothly.
2. Invite classmates home one at a time - could ask teacher for ideas of who he talks/plays with (might highlight whether there are issues at school too if they can't come up with anyone).
3. Think of outside clubs that are organised but foster a bit of social skills. ds1 does climbing which is good as it does involve collaboration with a partner but is not overwhelming due to small group size.
4. Ask around to see what interests his class mates have and try and foster an interest in these - the dreaded minecraft might be one or football (my two have stubbornly resisted the latter).
5. Play board games etc with him to foster skills of turn taking and losing gracefully.
6. Teach him to pay compliments. ds1 has an IEP with target to say something nice once a day (his default is to be very negative) and has definitely improved.
7. Teach him to read body language. Turn sound off TV and see if he can guess the emotions of the characters.
8. Teach him to greet / say goodbye to people appropriately. The ds's default is to growl especially at adults. I have to confess I have bribed ds1 to do this at times (never did have the heart to disillusion his exHT that he was saying good morning to her out of love of chocolate) but he has become better.
9. Teach him some of the more common idioms.

Can't remember anything else for now but I know there is lots more he has done either at school or in a SALT group.

Hi Safeinourbubble, thanks very much for the very useful tips. She does ice skating. She gets on well with some girls as they share the same interest but she doesn't know how to move those relationships to the next level. I asked her to exchange phone numbers with one of the girls and they have been texting each other and whenever i suggest to my D to do something with the new friend i.e. cinema, pizza..etc she tells me that it is still early stage and it's not time yet to do go out with her outside of the ice rink. They meet there nearly every week but my DD hasn't been for the last 2 weeks. She had a birthday pasty one weekend and we were invited to a barbecue the following week. This new friend used to text her a lot till my DD was fed up with her. She things she is too clingy and I told her it's better to be with a clingy friend than with someone who ignores you. This friend has stopped texting for the last two days. I hope she is still interested. my DD loves animals and would be exited to work with horses. I will call few equestrian centres in the area. did you get paid to do it or were you doing voluntary work there? Thanks

Solly, slave labour in exchange for rides but we were exceptionally lucky - the Scottish family that ran the stables were very fair and also fed us all the time. It was a very good experience and you never felt lonely.

thanks. Will check it but not sure they will take a 13 year old. I am so desperate to help my DD meet new people but the problem is that she doesn't keep friends. She has just lost "her best Friend". She has been ignoring her . She doesn't answer her text messages so my DD called her and the friend told her that she was on a train and that she would call her when she got home but she never did. I am not sure what to do. I don't want her to loose this friend. I know the mum but I am not sure what to tell her. She doesn't know about my daughter's problems. My D is in bed today saying she is not well and refusing to go to school. This is affecting her a lot and I feel helpless and not sure what to do. Any idea or tips on what to do about the best friend or whether to speak to the mum. Thanks very much for your support

Spent part of the day setting up out of school meetings with other parents. But all our kids go to the same special school, so the starting point for conversations is different. I have taken to a more frank policy of asking some one to meet, but saying I would rather they ask their child and if he/she doesn't want to, that it isn't a problem. My kids both reject some of their schoolmates and our wonderful therapist pointed out the obvious: you don't have to like everyone i.e. this is normal.

Solly, I would try and build her a summer full of things she likes to do - with you, with members of your family that she likes - don't underestimate the power of interested adults who care -, anyone she has identified an interest in if they reciprocate, and then, new experiences and send someone along with her - it could be you, a friend, I sometimes use our babysitter.

Acknowledge how hard it is - building relationships is hard. I think girls are harder still - the gap between peers can turn into an abyss. Does she like crafts? Blooming loom bands? What bands/singers does she like? Can you get to a concert? - that may well attract her best friend into tagging along! There are activity days built around horses and riding - entire weeks in fact - maybe one of those, with you sitting outside until she is comfortable and told you to go home. Does any of this help?

Hi Safeinourbubble
Thanks very much for the advice. My DD is very sociable and likes to go out but she prefers to do it with a friend not with adults. She thinks going out with me is boring. Unfortunately I don't have many family members close by. I have just one sister who is busy with her two small boys. My DD doesn't like to meet them. She thinks they are annoying. Her favorite band is the Vumps. She would love to go to their concert but not with me and non of the 2 friends she has outside school are interested. The sad thing is that she had a very good friend who she enjoyed going out with, going to her house for sleep over...etc but that friend has become a bit distant. She replies to her text messages 2 or 3 days later, doesn't see her that much...etc. My DD is very disappointed, she really likes this friend. She has known her for two years and she is one year younger, mine will be 14 in Aug and the other girl has just turner 13. This girl and her mum were always asking my daughter to go shopping with them, to come to their house...etc. She even went with them to Centre Parcs for 3 days but since this girl has established good friendships in her secondary school she started ignoring my D. My D bought her a very nice birthday present but wasn't invited to the party. this girl had a sleep over party with around 6 of her friends from school. I don't want her to loose this friend but at the same time I am not happy how she and her mum are behaving (I am sure the mum knows about what's going on). A friend of mine told me to speak to the mum to find out why her daughter has been distant but I am not sure how to approach it. Any advice please. Many thanks