Do you feel hurt by stuff your dc say & how do you stop it?

[lougle]

I find myself getting really hurt by DD2's reactions. One part of me is rational and tells me that she doesn't mean to hurt me and she can't help how she sees things. The other part of me feels hurt and sad and reminds me that its only me/my family that thinks she has any SN and that actually she could just hate me.

tonight, I said to her, warmly/affectionately "I'm on your team, DD2."

I thought she'd be pleased/happy, but instead she said "no you're not!"

I said "I am, dd2..."

She turned her back on me then snapped "no you're not!! I know you're not because there isn't anyone against us and you can't be on a team unless you have enemies" (she meant opponents).

One part of me knew that she was just using her knowledge of what a team was, etc. The other part was hurt. Really hurt. I suppose it felt like she was rejecting me.

I know she probably thought I was lying to her. That I was perhaps teasing her. I was just loving her.

I am on the porky side. Ds said yesterday that I didn't need the Internet, I was world wide enough

I hate it that the DC walk off into school without saying goodbye or having a kiss, and come out in a strop, unhappy to see me and not physically affectionate at all. It must look so uncaring to anyone watching. I don't ask for a cuddle now, there's no point in being rejected. And I can't always tell when I can grab a cheeky hug without being punched off.

I think what makes it (feel) worse is that I know if someone else said it to her, she'd have given them one of her best beams. I know, deep down, that she'd do it because she didn't understand and didn't want to say so and I know, deep down that she trusts me enough. It still hurts.

My DS blames me for things that aren’t my fault, including things that can’t possibly be anything to do with me as well as things that might! The child-psych said that there was a “bubble” round DS and everything had to be perfect inside the bubble and if anything went wrong the quickest way to push it outside the bubble was to blame it on me! But even though I understand why he does it, emotionally I react very badly to being blamed, it upsets me and grinds me down.

I was seeing a counsellor for a while so I took the problem to her and she suggesting using visualisations. So I came up with my own visualisation – seeing “the blame” as a big sticky ball heading my way, and a net that I could catch “the blame” in before it hit me and harmed me. When my DS blamed me I’d imagine catching the sticky ball in the net and dumping it safely on the ground where it could grow flowers! And (however whacky it sounds!) it helps me stay calm and feel protected.

As for hugs.... For years DS never asked for hugs and never seemed to want them. I thought he just didn't like hugs. Until I found out that DS used to ask for loads of hugs from his teachers. Just never from me. sigh!

Thanks guys. You all get it. [Thanks]

I think you do have to build up a defensive shield to protect yourself from this. ds2 in particular will say some pretty unforgivable things to me and his father but if you step back you will see it comes out when he is anxious about doing something. So we get the daily swearing when the school taxi arrives - a goodbye kiss and cuddle is the thing of fantasy in our household more likely would be a not so friendly kick. I am glad I do not do the school run anymore as at least there are not many witnesses to it.

ds1 is slightly easier because just occasionally he will say something very complimentary and the genuineness of this makes up for an awful lot of the unintentional insults.

He has also made marked improvements since being at his current school because they do an awful lot of work on picking out the positives about things. For example, they have to read out their work sometimes and the class make comments. When he first started his default was to say his classmates work was "rubbish" but now his teacher says she can see him open his mouth as if to say something, then pause as he realises that perhaps this would not be polite and finally come out with something reasonably O.K. They have done specific pragmatic sessions with him but I think the most effective has been the approach embedded throughout the school day. He is in a class of only six with a teacher and a TA so it is much easier for them to do this than in mainstream.