Expected answers to asked questions

[Babieseverywhere]

The class teacher admitted that she sees this particular behaviour in school, like we do at home. She says she has stopped asking 5.10yo DS questions in class as he seems stressed about what the right answer is iyswim.

Wonder if it worth noting in behaviour diary and if so what as ?

For example. If you ask him does he like school and have lots of friends, he would give the expected answer of yes to the teachers.

Even though he is very clear that he hates school, when it comes to walking to school.

He seldom says what he thinks, feels. I find it very difficult to find out how he is feeling or what happens at school.

The only thing he is clear about is that he loves the family and hates school. Everything else gets numbers if we are lucky.

Is this something SALT might pick up on ?

Sorry, I wasn't very clear.

When you ask DS a question, he will give you the response, that he thinks you want which is often at complete odds to how he actually feels. So it is remarkably difficult to find put how he is really feeling or what he really wants.

The problem here is that language is difficult. It isn't so much that he wants to please as he wants the stressful interrogation to stop.

He learns which answers get people to leave him alone the fastest.

If someone asks him if he is happy and he says 'yes'. It's over.

If he says no, they'll punish him with the worst imaginable punishment for someone with language difficulties, another, more complex question for which he has to try and figure out the answer that will get rid of them. Worse still the question will be abstract and next to impossible to get right, unlike the yes/no ones.

For example: 'why are you not happy?' Or 'what has happened?'

Also, he won't have the relationship that NT children have with each other and teachers and them asking if he is happy would be like you or a I going to a multi professional meeting and being asked in general terms if we are happy. We'll not understand their motives or why that question was appropriate or what they could do about it. We'd certainly not want to show vulnerability.

Yes. I do agree it is communication avoidance.

He came out of school on Friday and I was concerned that he didn't do his normal mad run in an arch behind me, concluding in a grab/hug at my back. Instead he walked direct to me, so it was clear to me that he was stressed.

I can't get him to tell me what was wrong. All I have got is :-
Nothing
It does not matter
Can't Remember
You know

which is not helpful to me, trying to help him cope betterwith school.

If I ask the school, I doubt they will remember or notice thathe was stressed as he "looks fine" and says yes and smiles to practically every question, sigh.

That is exactly what Dd3 does babies, she learned very quickly after starting school that the best way to get adults to leave her alone was to put a smile on her face and answer OK to any questions that might be asking how she feels about anything.

She gets called Shy and lacking in confidence at school but that is so not her personality, School does that to her!!

We were lucky in that she was seen by a really good salt in the complex communication clinic and her difficulties with complex language and lack of ability to put names to emotions was picked up.

School still dont get it though! Having said that I bet most of them havent even read the report

Keep sloggin away babies, you will get there

Thanks :)

That's a great answer from Star - sums it up perfectly.

When ds was in school (he's HEd now) it would take me hours to get to the bottom of events that had happened in the day that had clearly upset him. We used a Yes/No technique whereby I'd ask him questions and his answers could be Yes, No, I don't know, or if possible he could tell me more detail. As Star says, the pressure to answer a direct but complicated question can be overwhelming but this gentle approach helped ds to feel secure and give the information I needed to help sort out whatever problem he was having at school.

Can you ask about emotional literacy input for him, either in school or out? Or do something yourself? Ds is 15 now and still has difficulty with describing his own feelings, though he's become far more adept at understanding other people's. We used a lot of tv to consider character's feelings, motives, thoughts etc and that can be a useful tool to develop emotional understanding.

I am hopeing that our SALT appointment might help in this area. Will look up emotional literacy and see what I can do with DS in this area.

In my ds (ASD with a PDA profile) I see this kind of response as partly a demand avoidance strategy, ie avoid the demand (question) by shutting it down with whatever answer you think is most likely to make it go away (usually "fine"/"yes"/"I don't know"/"can't remember". Questions about how he's feeling or whether he likes things are particularly anxiety-inducing as he struggles to understand his own emotions. Plus he is terrified of being told off which adds to the likelihood he will want give the "right" answer.

Also, agree with how Starlight and streaky describe it.