hi my son refused to go to school today

[suedenley]

Hello everyone
My ds has as and despises school ,i have however managed to get him there until now. I have been on the phone all morning to head ,social worker ,educational welfare, and ed phyc.All advice is conflicting but i feel he has there attention now,but the fact remains he needs his education any advice on how to get him there please. He sites bullying as the reason for not wanting to go and whilst this is a contributing factor there are more underlying factors such as his struggle with change and the length of the school day, new teacher etc. Ive offered rewards ,appealed to his better nature but nothing is working anymore. Please help

First thing you need to do is take him to see the GP and get him signed off - to cover your own back.

Then ask for a referral to see a child psych if thats what you feel he needs, we have gone through this with our DS although are much further down the line.

Please feel free to ask any questions as i am popping on and off the net today.

HTH

suedenley-I have had the same problem today with my ds who is 5 and has selective mutism.
He says he does'nt like school and he also said this morning the day is too long.
I identify with your post when you say your ds struggles with change and has a new teacher,factors that my ds struggles with also.

How old is your ds?

What is the heads reaction to this?
I just had my ds's head on the phone telling me i need to get him there tomorrrow as he will quickly learn if i let him stay at home one day he will be able to get round me to do it again.Not sure it is that black and white.
He had terrible anxiety about going this morning and was dificult to know what to do.

I sympathise with you as I said to the head apart from dragging him there I was'nt sure what to do.

Did your ds always dislike school or is it because of a new teacher,change etc

Hi again
Sorry just had meeting with the school ds came too and had his say.He says until all things are resolved he wont go back, on the bullying issue head said no one backed my sons story as to what happened yesterday, ds says he was punched in the head and pushed into table where the table pencil sharpener went into his stomach ,she offered to change classes but ds suffers bullying from whole year group ,i presume because he is easy to wind up and that makes for good entertainment for some children .She said he could change school, which is the easy option for them, but ds is 10 and in year 6 and off to high school in 12 months so a move now would be another change to many for him. I rang the ed psych who is going into school to assess him on wed and to get cids shifted we have been waiting for an appointment since they cancelled on us in march. Yes ds has always hated school but ive battled on to get him there by all means available to me even though thats ment at times letting him take his gameboy to play at school and buying him gifts but today he had enough and nothing would shift him.ive spoken to educational welfare officer so am not going to be fined as ive done all i can to get him to school and followed the correct proceedure when that proved fruitless.I mentioned my concerns over his threats to leave the premises during school and was informed she wouldnt have him as a pupil at the school should he do that (which raises more questions about schools and inclusion and do they know what they are on about or what problems they are dealing with but thats probably another thread)every day is such a battle to help our kids on days like today i just dont have the energy to deal with the school too ,thanks for listening to me moan on and please keep your fingers crossed for me for monday.Head has agreed on monday for him to come back not sure ds is so happy with that though.

Sounds very tough, suedenley. Hope the ed psych has some good ideas. I think you have done really well to seek help and not just lie back and say "sod it" which must be v tempting. Good luck for Monday.

hi tiptoes
Sorry to hear youve been suffering to, its so hard especially that we always arrive late and dishevelled and all the other mums look so calm and the children so neat and fully equiped for the day it makes you feel kind of alone, and although i wouldnt wish my mornings on anyone its good to know its not just happening in my house and its not me or my fault. Have another ds who also copies brothers behaviour and that just adds to the stress of the day. i soo hate mornings cant wait til they leave school lol

hi jenk1
Thanks for the advice. Does your ds hate school too, is he coping better now he has imput of the ed psych or are you still battling ?

Hi scrummymummy
Yes some days i just want to roll over and go back to sleep and pretend its not happening but because we love our kids none of us can do it can we though tonight im going to have a lovely long soak in the bath with a chilled glass of wine and dh can watch kids bliss cant wait he better not be late home or ill do nasty things to his tea

suedenley-.
Sounds like the head was trying to take the easy option by suggesting he change schools.

Enjoy your bath and glass of wine and keep us updated on developments,I hope things work out for you and your ds.

well so much for my long soak and glass of wine dh came in went out again so now thinking evil things to do to his tea lol any ideas

Ed psych? Whats one of those?
DS has been out of school since Nov 05.
In April this year he was given 4 hours a week 2 hours a week home tuition which was upped to 4 hours a couple of months later, the LEA wont let the Ed psych assess him as they dont agree that he has special needs this is despite his AS dx and back up from 2 psychologists.
we go to tribunal on 26th of this month to try to get him assessed, we are not sending him back into school until they offer support, they refuse to do so so it wont be resolved until we are offered a statement.
If your DS wont go into school please make sure that you get a letter from your GP signing him off sick because the EWO and the LEA play good cop bad cop and while they are saying that they wont fine you etc if the situation continues then they will start holding you responsible.
I dont want to frighten you but ive been through this myself and i know of others that have also.
If your GP signs your DS as unfit for school due to anxiety etc then when he has been out of school for 15 days they are legally obligated to provide home tuition for your DS while you wait for the Ed Psych to assess.
Please feel free to CAT me if you would like.

Yes some days i just want to roll over and go back to sleep and pretend its not happening but because we love our kids none of us can do it can we

Kids don't have to go to school - education is compulsory school is not.

My eldest son with AS had a total breakdown aged 11 because he could no longer cope with school. He had been refusing and I had been forcing him to go. He was hit by a car when highly stressed because I had once again made him go to school - he never got back - not going back was the best thing that ever happened to him and us.

I decided not to send him back and educated him myself. He has never looked back and socially he has found his wings
Oracle

I agree with Oracle. It sounds as hough it might be worth considering Home Ed for ds. There are several online groups who can offer more specific advice about AS and HE to help you decide if it's the right option for you.

It always annoys the hell out of me when the response to cmplaints about bullying is "Well no-one saw anything!" Of course they didn't! Bullies tend to avoid giving a public demonstration.

Oracle - It's only just occurred to me that I 'know' you from elsewhere. I hope everything's going well for you.

hi jenk1
Ok im going to ring doctor now didnt want to cos he is and always has been the most useless waste of space but will give it a go.Not feeling to good about anything this morning feel ive been white washed by the school AGAIN after thinking about everything and sleeping on it.
I do think that educating ds1 at home would be good for him but worry how it will affect ds2 who would still be at school

hi oracle

im sorry to hear about your ds and fear my son too is on the edge he told the head what had happened to him again and she said that although she didnt disbelieve him noone else backed his story so she felt he just was seeing the situation differently to everyone else,everyday im scared im making the wrong choices and descisions for him.What if im not bright enough to teach him myself but if he stays he will run out of school as he has said and they have said if he does he will be excluded anyway, which again is to do with his AS and how uncomfortable and stressful he finds the school situation and not because he is naughty so how can exclusion be the answer

Sorry moaning on again

hello oracle, we have spoke before on another forum, hope everything is going ok for your son

Sue i think that this is the norm the way that head teachers/ewo,s treat our children when it comes to bullying, we are still getting the "well he didnt come and tell us so how can we do anything about it?" even with NHS backing us up re his AS they still refuse to cooperate.

I agree with oracle when she said that home ed was the best for her son, my DS has come on really well since we home edded him.

Dont know if this will help you but when we took our DS to see our GP last year, we explained what was going on and how DS was reacting and that the school werent believing us, our GP is a bit of a buffoon too but he wrote a letter straightaway to the school, is your DS under CAMHS or a child psych, if you can ask for a referral for one then that will help you in any argument that you have with the LEA/school.

Please continue posting as i have been where you are now and know how stressful it can get.

Love Jen

Hi again jenk
thanks its just so hard isnt it i try and be strong and find out all i can to help ds but am lacking in confidence and know that sometimes i handle the situation wrong because these proffessionals make me so angry with there ...well im not sure if its lack of understanding or compassion or both.

Ive been told too that he doesnt talk to them about these problems so he cant be that upset about it as hes been given every oppourtunity

that and this is classic...that my child with AS doesnt choose his friends well !!!!!!

and one teacher told my ds not to listen to me as she knew more about him than i did

yes ds has ed psych and he was very helpful yesterday and arranged to go in to school this coming wednesday to assess ds and give the school some advice which i thought was pretty quick cos everyone else seems to drag there feet and have me convinced they are just wasting time so that he passes through the system with no support... but then i think im just being paranoid
id love to wake up and find he was at a school that said you know actually your son is struggling with A B and C and we are going to give him this support and this place to go when is stressed and of course its fine for him to eat his lunch away from the other children as he finds it stressful in the hall and no we wont take him out of the school play because he fidgets and does repetative actions he cant help that and of course he can bring his own food to the residential and not be excluded from these activities
does inclusion mean accepting children in to mainsteam and making allowances for them or does it mean we will accept them make them conform to a stereotypical role rake in the extra cash our children bring then exclude them when it doesnt work out ...... im fearing the latter.

My gp just rang back said he never has signed a child off from school and wont sign ds from school told me to contact ds's consultant so he was as helpful as usual,said perhaps it was time ds was medicated despite the fact that consultant said ds not suitable for meds as gets too depressed and meds may make him too low......Aghhhhhhhhhhhhh head bashing against brick wall feeling again

((((((((((((((((((suedenley))))))))))))))))))))))

Try and speak to your consultant although it depends of which way they lean too. I was lucky and got a sick note which lasted for four years until I took the plunge a de-reged. In the meantime we sat here totally un-supported and un-believed for two of those years.

Re home edding it all depends on what you want to teach your son and what you aspire to for him and what he wants for himself - which he probably can't answer at the moment.(Ive been told too that he doesnt talk to them about these problems so he cant be that upset about it as hes been given every oppourtunity)
I would love to come and have a word with your sons teachers at this moment because my son is only now able to tell me what he wants and is thinking, and he is still unable to do this with others whom he does not know or feels intimidated by. It's part of the condition. Are they aware that the condition is a triad one part of which affects his communication skills and another socalisation

Above everything else I wanted my son to be happy. We live in a life long learning environment and can learn at any age or stage of our lives. If we have crushed the will to learn then they will never want to return as it will be too painful. Home Ed is not for everyone but nor is a system that is scrwing our kids up.

I taught my son to care for himself and that in turn has allowed him to care for others - something he never did. We discovered his emotions and in doing that enabled him to understand himself and enabled me to understand him.

Don't medicate because it's what 'they' want you to do. But do medicate if you think it would truly help your son. Just taking the word school off the menu did it for my son although it was a long road to travel.

We are ( thank guys but I don't recognise the names?) doing OK. He just about got his head round his autism and then was diagnosed with something called Keracotonus and could be losing his sight but he has taken this in his stride so far because he has transformed from being a nervous bundle of anxiety into a pretty well rounded guy

Now I have to do it all again with youngest who is also being home edded but is a totally different kettle of fish to his brother bless LOL

Oracle

Sue, can you see another GP?
My GP said exactly the same that he had never had to sign a child off sick from school so when i explained to him that he was suffering from depression and anxiety and this was why he wasnt attending school he just wrote something along the lines of:

Dear....

DS is not attending school because of severe anxiety and depression, he has been referred to CAMHS and is awaiting an appointment.

That did the trick, or you could bypass your GP and speak to the consultant, we had to get a letter from the consultant to say that DS was suffering long term from anxiety/depression, that was after he had been out for 4 months.

A consultants letter carries more weight with the LEA/school and should get them off your back.

HTH

Thankyou oracle
It sounds like you had such a tough time, i really cant understand a school that offers inclusion and has a wide range of kids on the autistic spectrum but seem to know so little about asd, thats what drives me nuts the most as obviously they have seen situations like mine and yours time and again yet they act as though they have never come across it before WHY ??
They want to interfere in areas such as ds diet when that would be detremental to him and ive repeatedly asked them not to do so yet when i require assistance with his education they do nothing.
Im glad that home ed has worked for you and that your ds is now happy, i do think it will be the route i take in the near future as he is so happy when here with me , far less meltdowns and aggression, even a few hugs and winks thrown in for good measure
Ds consultant is very good as long as i word it carefully if i start whingeing on about crap school services etc he comes down on there side with oh so reasonable reasons for there behaviour/attitude
The negative me says thats cos everything is gouvenment guidelines and about money.
But hey maybe he likes to keep neutral what do i know .

Hi Jenk
Im awiting the consultant getting back to me hopefully he will be more helpful gp said all he was prepared to do was speak to school on the phone should they call him for info.
i didnt expect anything from him really after i had repeatedly taken ds to see him over 7 years he looked at ds for 5 mins said theres nothing remotely autistic about your child he just requires more disapline and you should take parent craft classes.
I was angry when got ds dx as gp is supposedly a paedatrician.
i think ds2 has problems too but am going to go straight to consultant this time as cant go through it with gp again .
thanks jenk you have helped a lot as has oracle
xxx

Excellent consultant fitted us in for tuesday afternoon next week lets hope he can do something positive for my DS1
Just picked ds2 up from school and a boy in ds1 class said to him your brother is a gay freak he didnt know i was there so much for school investigating and deciding ds1 was getting wrong end of stick
will keep ds1 home til after meeting with consultant then go back to the school and sort this out once and for all
so fingers crossed
x