My head is scrambled,could do with some perspective.

[AnotherMonkey]

Hi, I'm wondering if anyone could help. I'm so tired.

As DS gets older, I'm becoming increasingly concerned that things aren't quite as they should be. I've posted once before, and there are many issues such as language, toilet training, hitting, the way he uses imaginative play, which have concerned me over the last few years. He will be 5 soon.

My main concern at the moment is that for part of the time, things seem completely normal. He can be polite, loving, helpful, and generally exactly as I would expect at this age. But then something happens, it's like flicking a switch, he has this strange laugh which I know means we're in for a rough ride, and he's like a different child. Rude, unresponsive, hyper, or his temper kicks in. At these times, it's incredibly difficult to get through to him, he avoids eye contact, laughs or screams if I try to talk to him.

I'm trying really hard to identify triggers, which is proving difficult as the switch happens in a flash. One thing which is consistent is that any attempt on my part to deal with his behaviour, no matter how calm, results in the switch. This is wearing me down because 4 year olds do daft stuff, but his reaction to any attempt to calm these things down is pretty extreme. Increasingly, I suspect that strong positive emotions result in the out-of-control hyper behaviour.

If anyone can relate to any of this I would love to hear it, because at the moment I feel completely adrift.

Also, I have not spoken to anyone in RL about this. I worry about talking about these worries in front of him to someone else and about the whole diagnosis process generally, particularly if, as I sometimes think is the case, he is just very stubborn and proud. I wondered if anyone had any advice on this side of it.

TIA

Also, he is completely rubbish at doing what he's been asked to do.

He has resisted all traditional reward based tactics.

Occasionally, I think of a cunning plan which works brilliantly for about a day. Then we're back to square one. Sitting still without a screen (assembly, dinner table) and getting dressed (morning more than evening) are two main sticking points.

^^ +1.

Polter offers good advice

Thanks for your replies. I'm going to download the book this evening and have been reading my through info on the PDA site.

One thing for sure is that I need some strategies. The frustration is absolutely immense at times and I snap too often out of complete exhaustion. No matter how well I've done for the rest of the day, I hate myself for this. I love him so much. It can be very hard though at times.

I may write out my list of concerns as part of the process of deciding whether to go to my GP with them. It might help to create some order in my mind, if nothing else!

Definitely get things on paper.
Keep a diary for a month and note all the "little" things you do to accomodate him- they become invisible to you. You do them to stop him kicking off until he finds the one thing that you didnt consider.
Then go to your GP.

Sitting still can be very demanding at this age: we dont realise the physical, mental and sensory challenges.
But one thing that often works is to give the child lots of "big" movement before you need them to sit still e.g. having a run around the garden before dinner, doing some bouncing/trampolines before sitting for homework, having to carry a heavy load on the walk to school so they can sit through assembly.

Mornings can be hard, not only for the dressing part but also the transition from sleep to wake. Have you tried having breakfast in PJ's or conversely having a shower before making any other demands?

Note all the 'little' things - this is such good advice, you sort of forget!

You do them to stop him kicking off until he finds the one thing that you didnt consider. this is so true I almost cried. Yes, it can be just like that.

I'm going to think about how I can make use of the big movement strategy, that makes sense.

We've always had to do breakfast first and more recently, I hate to admit, it's breakfast in front of the TV so that at least one part of getting ready is pain free. It's true that this does give us the best chance.

I'm glad it struck a chord, it can be such a relief when someone gets how carefully we tread around our children trying not to let them get to the tantrum stage.

I feel you probably have enough to go to your GP to ask for a Paediatrician's assessment. I imagine that if you do diary everything that you do to accomodate your DS, you may be surprised how much of your family life revolves around his needs.

I read back over your OP again and this stood out:
"I suspect that strong positive emotions result in the out-of-control hyper behaviour"

Sensory processing difficulties can be associated with difficulty processing emotions. So a child can be excited, happy, giddy but they seem to have no internal "brake" on themselves so the excitement easily tips over into tantrum territory.

As before, heavy work can help to calm us down; be it rough housing on the sofa, jumping on a trampoline, climbing (eg up and down dunes at the beach), carrying a load (wet laundry, bag of books, rolling a partly filled roller-suitcase as part of playtime, wearing a back pack filled with the family's bottles of water when going for a walk) using large body movement (like washing the car- let him at it!, "painting" the patio with a paintbrush and water on a dry day, swimming) .
If you hear him getting to the tipping point of going over the top into tantrum territory, get in there and give him a squishy hug. Have a large cushion just for this and squeeze him in a sandwich with you (not to the point of hurting or obstructing breath). Listen to his reaction and step back when he starts to calm.

The lack of internal brake really rings true as well.

Again, I'm reading your list of heavy work and thinking yep, that's when he's at his best. I've always known that I need to get him out of the house early and doing something big and physical if he's going to stay out of trouble. I've really noticed a drop in his fitness since he started school because until then he'd be out burning energy all day. When I think about it like that, it must be pretty hard for him at school. And it must be part of the reason things have been worse since DD as we've not been able to keep up quite the same scale of activity.

I'm going to be using the squishy cushion sandwich trick too if I can get in fast enough!

Thank you so much for the strategies, it's refreshing just to feel I've got something new to try.