How did you cope when you found out your child had a disability?

[Hedger]

My DS is 18 months old and over the last few months I have become 99% sure that he has ASD. We are currently seeing various doctors to get a diagnosis - whilst the paediatricians we have seen say it's too soon to say for sure, they do admit that he has many red flags.

I haven't coped at all well with it unfortunately - I had a nervous breakdown a few months ago and had to be signed off work for a month and put on anti-depressants. I felt better for a while, came off the anti-depressants (shouldn't have really but really hoped I was OK) but unfortunately the depression and anxiety about it all is back.

I just don't know how to cope with it - I love him so much and I just can't bear to think of him struggling for the rest of his life and being lonely.

I just wanted to ask how you coped emotionally when you found out that your child had autism (or any other disability)? I've found a couple of friends and family members (on my DH's side) have been really unsympathetic about the fact I haven't been coping well and seem to think it is just some kind of indulgence on my part, so I am trying not to show I am struggling again but it's very hard to keep a brave face.

If any of you found anything helped you to cope or have any words of wisdom, it would be really great to hear from you.

I fell apart. I started to suffer panic attacks and have a very vivid memory of stopping in the street feeling like I couldn't breathe. It was v scary and I told no one. I just carried on, going to work and pretending i was fine when I wasn't. For years I found it hard to discuss and still felt tearful talking about ds with professionals. this makes me sound quite pathetic but I am a very together person generally and I struggled massively. It is still hard but in a different way. My advice would be to seek out parents going through same thing. I met another mum at an assessment appointment. We hit it off and thirteen years later she is still my biggest source of support as well as being great fun. I am not going to tell you all will be well and lovely because it is bloody hard, but you do adapt and I am still the same person, just a bit more battle scarred.

I cried alot, still do from time to time, and like others I definitely grieved for the life he wouldn't have, and that he would find some things so much more challenging. I'd also put a brave face on it and barely mentioned it to anyone for a long time.

That's changed over time to more of an acceptance of the extra help DS needs, but I'm now also starting to really cherish the wonderful things he can do that others can't - his adhd might mean some things are much trickier but he has a wonderful insight into things, has boundless energy that just needs pointing in the right direction and has an insatiable interest in the world around him.

Things that helped me cope - close friendships with parents from school who are in similar situations and understand what I'm talking about and how it affects me (and being able to support them in return), an acceptance that not all existing friends and family will be sympathetic, understanding or know the right things to say,
knowing I'm not alone, and having support from teachers who really get DS and work to do the best for him.
And chocolate. An obscene quantity of chocolate.