When people can't grasp your child is disabled.

[WireCat]

I am so frustrated. I could scream. I have cried today.
I have a friend. She doesn't realise her flippant comments hurt.
My son has ASD, GDD and hypermobility.

He's like. 2 year old, despite the fact he's 5. He's been like this since he was 2. He's hardly come on at all.

He has official diagnosis as well. I'm currently fighting to get him into an SN school.

Friend cannot grasp that he is disabled.

I'm afraid I may lose it with her one of these days. She truly can't understand. I don't understand either why she can't.

Thanks for reading x

I hear you and I really do get it.
I have the same problem with all 3 of my kids.
Sympathies

Same here and .

Since DS has been diagnosed i have lost a lot of friends due to them being unsympathetic and unhelpful. Sometimes people are very blinkered in their perception of disability. You can try and inform them but sometimes it just doesn't go in.
I have met new and understanding friends at an ASD support group. These people definitely understand!
I know how frustrating it is but try not to dwell on her ignorance, you have a diagnosis, there is a problem. It's not your fault that she can't see it.

Thank you both. I feel like shit today. xxx

Since the threads at the weekend, I am getting astounded at peoples' lack of empathy.
Not sure if the problem is getting worse tbh.

Not even sure that they are purposely being unkind. Just incredibly emotionally thick for some reason.

I don't think it helps when you get papers like the Daily Fail that report things like ADHD, Dyslexia, ASD etc do not exist and/or are caused by mothers doing the wrong thing in pregnancy or bad parenting. Also reporting that most serial killers are autistic

I now avoid "friends" like this. DS is nearly 10 and my patience ran out quite a while ago. I'm being deliberately nasty, I just don't always have the energy after yet another sleepless night to educate those that really don't want to be educated iyswim. My finite energy store is just better spent on DS right now. I'll make like a fictional Hollywood Hero and single handedly take on and change the whole world some other time.

What makes it worse! it's my oldest & best friend. I'm certainly. She doesn't mean it, I'm sure she doesn't mean to be insensitive.

When she met him recently she said he seemed ok & she couldn't see what was wrong with him.

Excuse random punctuation, my iPad likes to taunt me when I'm on mn!

I think you need to tell her how it makes you feel wirecat!

She might be trying to make you feel better and might be horrified if she thinks its making you feel bad.

At the end of the day she is not doing much of a job as a friend at the moment so what have you got to lose?

I am not the really the best person to give advice though! I only have a few friends and most have children with SN's

Be kind to yourself

I have a three strikes rule. I correct 3 x then I start distancing myself. If she's a close friend you could try telling her how you feel and that what she says mmakes you feel worse not better. I told one friend an oldie and goodie that me calling her disabled isn't what makes dd disabled it's me accurately describing what's going on and me changing my lang wouldn't change what's happening. She took a deep breath and... Fell in line. She's now a solid cheerleader who gets it

Oh I get this too!

were becoming more and more isolated because of peoples prejudice/ignorance/lack of understanding/tutting/judgy comments/etc etc.

makes me livid.

even a friend with a disabled DC judges us. well, former so called friend.

why don't people make more effort to understand? in this day and age with so much more info out there?

I knew this would be you from the title 3) We've all been there. And I know I'm going to be there this weekend when we have a friend staying - one of my oldest and formerly bestest friends; who felt we were wrong to pursue a diagnosis, and when we visit seems to go out of her way to put DS in challenging situations and then smirk when he doesn't kick off in her presence. What she doesn't see is him losing it afterwards

There are so many people who I no longer see, due to his challenging behaviour pre-Dx, and I often day dream about announcing the Dx and them all flocking back with apologies

Your friend though - you have to say something. Perhaps she's trying to be "nice" and/or supportive; perhaps she's being clumsy, trying to reassure you that he'll always be just DS2 to you, that's why it's one of his 'things'. Or she's being a tosspot in which case you need to know sooner rather than later.

OMG Mono we get that too, they 'test' our DCs, thinking were making it all up don't they?

and then WE are left to deal with the aftermath afterwards, them STILL thinking were making it all up.

FFS disability is not a badge of honour!

OP do you find that too?

What I mean by badge of honour, is that in our case anyway, they think that its an excuse Im making for DC and proud to have that excuse!

Oh goodness, it sucks doesn't it.

My dad used to do the 'well he seems fine' thing with me. Sometimes he would even reach for 'well he doesn't do x behaviour with me'
It's awful because it forces you to actively explain and that often means you have to be negative about your child.

I did realise though that dad, misguidedly, thought he was comforting me. He thought he was being positive.
Maybe your friend thinks that too?

Monopolice, I could have written that post!
Especially about putting him in challenging situations - how crap that people would do that!

I get phonecalls from close family telling me that he's fine, he gives eye contact, he happily takes hugs, but they don't see how he is at home.

I had a pep talk from someone this weekend telling me that ds just needed a firm hand, and that dh and I were letting him down and labelling him because we're too lazy to man up and discipline him
And this is from someone who is adamant they understand.

Think I'll do what firsttimer suggests - three strikes and you're out. At least there'd be a bit less stress! I would say something though, clearly explain why it's unhelpful to say things like that. At least she's then got a chance to apologise and put things right. If she doesn't, well, she's not really a friend is she.

My dad is constantly telling me my DS looks absolutely normal. I think he thinks he's going to get better.

I just nod and smile.

I don't have anyone who is really obnoxious in his life thankfully. I think my dad is doing it from a good place - he just can't deal with the reality of DS's difficulties sadly

Thank you all

I'm calmer this evening I've eaten my own weight in shite carbs

I "think" because my friend hasn't really witnessed him (we don't live near each other) so I think she might minimise it.

He doesn't look disabled. He doesn't show his autistic traits constantly.

I'm sure people think he will get better. Especially his global developmental delay. So did I at one time.

His hyper mobility may worsen over the years. Physio mentioned wheelchair last time I saw her, but I'm in denial about that right now.