advice needed from parents of autistic children regarding other children's understanding

[sunglasses]

This is a genuine request for advice as I feel mortified and sad about something that happened today. My children were laughing at something an autistic child was doing without any understanding that the reason for her behaviour was because she was autistic. They thought she was being a bit cheeky or naughty or not listening properly.
It happened while they were waiting to swim in a very small private pool. The child was having a lesson and didn't do what the teacher asked but something else instead. The teacher made a little joke about it for her benefit but my children laughed and then tried to re enact the scene for me. All this was in ear shot of the mother who didn't appear to be paying much attention to it ( or so I thought).
I didn't want to tell them off as they genuinely didn't think they were doing anything wrong but I asked them to move away from the poolside to let the girl enjoy her lesson and to not distract her, The subject was changed and i made a mental note to discuss it with them later.
However when my children started their lesson around 15 minutes later the mother approached me clearly shaking with emotion and told me that I should speak to my daughters about laughing at people that are different. I of course assured her that it was always my intention to do so but she was clearly really cross. She said I had no idea what she has to put up with everyday and that the only reason she wasn't shouting at me was because she was boiling( not sure temperature or rage). I again assured her that I would speak to them, that they really didn't mean any harm and that I had only not spoken to them earlier as I didn't think it appropriate to discuss her child's autism in front of the childs mother when I didn't know her. This would have felt awkward and wrong.
So my question is- what should I have done?
I did speak to them after and they genuinely had no idea that the child was any different to them. They didn't really understand the gravity of the situation but my older child cried when she saw I was upset.
I feel awful and like I have not parented my children properly so any advice gratefully received

How old are your children?
Perhaps you should have dealt with it at the time, rather than making a mental note to speak to them later, because to the other parent it looked as if you didn't give a toss about your children mocking, laughing and imitating her child's behaviour.
So yes, I think you do need to consider how your children respond to those who are different, especially if either of them is over the age of 4.

Ok
So 'dealt with' in what way? Should I have said to them not to laugh as the girls isn't being naughty she is autistic. They would have said 'what does that mean and apologies but I would have felt unqualified to explain this within ear shot of the parent who may have thought my explanation to be insensitive or incorrect.
Just to clarify they were laughing at a child who they thought no different to them who appeared to them to be messing about in her swimming lesson.
in terms of "I need to consider how my children respond to this who are different' I would have thought this post was indication that I am doing just that.
I really wanted some clear advice so thank you if that was your intention and please elaborate if you would like

To be honest. Whether the child was autistic or not. If I see my child imitating someone and laughing, I would tell him off then an there.

Yes I see your point about telling them off regardless. I suppose that I was feeling embarrassed and didn't know what to do for the best.
I didn't believe they were laughing in a cruel way and they had felt included in a little joke as the swimming teacher had actually made a jokey comment to them as they were watching at the side.
He said to the girl- push off with your legs, she giggled and floated off gently through the water laughing and he pulled a silly face and then said 'thats not pushing is it?' to my girls who then wanted to share the joke with me. At that point it seemed inappropriate to turn what was lighthearted into a serious telling off.
But I didn't really want this to be me defending myself against criticism -it was genuinely to find the right words and approach should I ever be in this situation again.

Well you did what you thought was best at the time. So don't beat yourself up about it.

But if I was in your exact same position, I most probably would of told them to stop etc, and then to explain further when you get home.

I don't think the mum was angry at you personally, like she said she had a hard day and I guess by the fact that your kids were laughing at her DS, just made it even worse. She most probably knew that your children just meant it in a harmless way. But then again, would of expected you to tell them off or something.

You didn't have to give them a dramatic bollocking but a simple statement 'It isn't kind to make fun of people' woukd have done the trick all round.

Disability isn't an 'elephant in a room' . It doesn't have to be denied, ignored in public and only spoken about in private.

I thank God that it is now estimated to be around 1 in 68 with ASD and increasing. People need to embrace it, accept it and expect it now. One day ASD will be the norm and they'll all be arranging therapy for US and our complicated, socially manipulative ways!!!

Yup, you didn't need to go into details at that time.

A simple "it is unacceptable to laugh at people. You wouldn't like it if people were laughing at you. Stop it right now" would have done. Because the most important thing was not exactly what condition the girl had - it's that you had children who saw fit to laugh and mimic. That is never acceptable.

You could have done the rest later. But certainly the instant not acceptable stop it message was important.

I think it would have been better to just remind them that it's not nice to laugh at other people (whether there are SNs involved or not).

Having been through the 'joy' of swimming lessons for a child with ASD, I can understand why it was the final straw for the mother. Add half-term holidays into the mix and I can see why she was feeling stressed.

I can understand though why it felt like such a minefield. Hopefully you and the other family will have a better day tomorrow.

Oh dear! I think it's good that you are worried about what happened.

One of the problems (if you will) with autism is that you can't see it. My ds3 is autistic and I sometimes wish it was more visually obvious that he has a disability.
I think having a family member with a disability like autism has made me a lot more tolerant of people behaving unusually; my mind makes that leap to the thought that they could have a disability, whereas yours didn't.

I'm not sure how helpful that is.

Thanks for all the comments
I would definitely have told them not to laugh at other people if I had thought in any way they were mimicking or being cruel. I have done this in the past. I know they thought they were in on a joke with the swimming teacher and what they saw as a young child messing about and therefore being 'entertaining' for want of a better word.
Part of my mortification is of course because I felt so awful for the mother who clearly finds it hard on a daily basis. There was never any intention from me to make her feel worse than she already did.
I think one of the reasons she was cross with me is that the way she has dealt with both of her children all week is to shout impatiently at them telling them "stop it. stop it repeatedly- even her daughter with autism who was clearly distressed in the water. She got up and shouted at her to stop messing around which actually made me question wether her child did have special needs or was being naughty.
Anyway a lesson learnt there and obviously I have head a big chat with the children about all of your good points.
still standing I am sorry but I don't really understand your comment. I knew she had a disability whereas my children didn't as they are only children and don't seek to find differences.

It's a positive thing that you care and took your time to write a post and ask for advice.

But what's done is done, you can only learn from it.

Well it's done now, but in future you could remind them that it isn't nice to laugh at people or tease them. When you're alone you can explain any SN too.

Well I almost felt sorry for you until you criticised her parenting and pitied her hard life. Maybe she has sensed your disapproval of her parenting throughout the week, you obviously haven't engaged in much conversation with her despite being stuck in a confined space for a week, perhaps your kids being rude was the final straw. Maybe next time you should be friendly to the mum and the disabled child and show your kids how to behave by example? I can't really understand why you would even mention her shouting at her kids, how is that even relevant to your question. Don't judge someones parenting until you have walked a mile in their shoes. TBH I tend to be pretty rude when I come across people who judge me or pity without knowing me. Your last post has made me pretty cross.

Sorry OP but I've got to ask- why do you think you know that she has dealt with her children 'all week' by shouting at them?

I think you should have said something at the time because to her it looks like you think its ok for your kids to laugh at a child with SN. I know they weren't to know that the child has ASD but look at it from her perspective.
How would you feel if someone was laughing at your kids?
When people have laughed at my DS before i have shouted them down, it makes me furious.

And sometimes kids with special needs are naughty and they do get shouted at. It doesn't make her a bad parent, it makes her human.

What hecate said, exactly.

And what agnes said, exactly.

My dd is 4yo, and my ds (asd) 7yo. If I have ever once seen either of them laughing at/imitating/staring at/pointing out anyone with any differences that I could recognise, whether or not they realised, I would immediately tell them to stop it at once. I would do the same if either of them were behaving like that to any child, not just those with SN.

The fact that you realised this girl had autism yet still didn't say anything to your dc makes it even worse - even if they're too young to understand, you're not, and it's pretty easy to find a way of talking to them about this in a way they'd understand.

And I agree with agnes that you seem to be somehow "forgiving" the mother for being upset as she must have just had a bad day, as if that was the reason she was upset, rather than her witnessing your dc laughing at hers and you failing to do anything about it.

"She got up and shouted at her to stop messing around which actually made me question wether her child did have special needs or was being naughty."

Why would telling her to stop messing around mean that she might not have SN?

copper it must be because us saintly parents of children with sn are born as therapists rather than parents. And because children with autism aren't able to learn any behavioural skills so we just let them be naughty

Victim blaming, possibly because the responses here have not been reassuring and nurturing for the OP. No recognition of her mortification and sadness at the possibility that she may have been judged for her parenting.
No answer either as to how old the children are, because if they are in school, they will hopefully be learning how to treat other children with respect, with clear guidance from their teachers about what is acceptable, and when to apologise.

Ah well it didn't take long to be totally misunderstood.
I think you should read my initial post again just to satisfy yourselves that I genuinely wanted advice not a telling off or to be 'judged' by others who don't know me or anything about me.
Its absolutely classic mums net though to be immediately derided and have a thorough character analysis by the very people who at the same time are advising me not to judge or to make assumptions about other people. And to actually have a conversation about me to other posters as if I am not here. Well done everyone for moving these sorts of issues along in a positive way that may be helpful to those genuinely seeking advice!
And if I had wanted sympathy and reassurance I would have posted somewhere else and not in a section where I imagined people might only put there fingers on the keyboard if they had some genuine good advice.
Adrianna22 thanks for taking time to write something simple and kind.
And to others who will leave here assuming my children are cruel monsters who point and laugh at others and that I sit sanctimoniously pitying those around me hear this
I have spoken to the mum briefly and I often don't engage in conversation with others as I am shy and a little socially awkward. My observation about her shouting was that she was doing it at a time her daughter was clearly distressed and I found that quite shocking to be honest. She did say she also wanted to' shout' at me which I just found strange. You don't have to shout at others to make a point and my children were not being cruel- I would never allow them to laugh at anyone in a mean way, they were simply misreading what was going on and I knew this but didn't know how to tell them whilst the mother may have been in earshot and felt patronised. it was what words to use at that point that I wanted advice with. I know how to speak to my children if they have behaved badly and didn't ask for advice regarding that.
Any how today is another day and there will be another poster along in a minute to shoot down in flames
Enjoy

I don't think your children are cruel or unkind, I think they are thoughtless and need to be educated as to how to respond when they see someone doing something weird or silly in their eyes.
You knew the child had autism, your children didn't. In the same way that they may laugh if they see someone of restricted growth, or with Downs. Unless it's dealt with at the time, the person being laughed at or their carer may feel that you lack awareness. She didn't shout at your children, she blamed you for allowing them to be insensitive without any attempt to stop them.

My problem was with you feeling the need to criticise her parenting. I have children with and without disabilities and know kids (and their parents) don't always get it right in these situations, I was sympathetic until the point you criticised her and felt sorry for her. I felt that was unnecessary, irrelevant and rather unkind.

No flaming here. My question was a genuine one.

'Well done everyone for moving these sorts of issues along in a positive way that may be helpful to those genuinely seeking advice!
And if I had wanted sympathy and reassurance I would have posted somewhere else and not in a section where I imagined people might only put there fingers on the keyboard if they had some genuine good advice.'

What on earth did you find wrong with the advice? If you were genuinely seeking it, why aren't you genuinely accepting it, because I assure you, the advice given was most certainly 'genuine'!