What to do about DD

[Tommorrowisthedayaftertoday]

My DD is in year 3. She's bright, quite academic, great at sport, highly competitive and can be wonderful company. However, she struggles socially and always has done. Her friends are mainly boys, she's a big footballer, although she plays very well one on one with girls. She has play dates which she enjoys, mainly initiated by me but she does get invited out and people seem quite happy to accept invitations. I think that they like her but the ins and out of girl relationships go completely over her head. She spent a long time saying that she wished she was a boy and wanting 'boy things' although she has moved on a little from this and says she is quite happy being a girl who likes boy stuff and has had her ears pierced and loves going to Claire's and likes choosing her clothes although prefers plain jeans / converse / tshirts to anything more feminine, which is totally fine.

She's in an excellent prep school and is doing very well. They manage her behaviour well in general and she benefits hugely from being in a small class with a FT teacher and TA. Unlike many private schools they have an excellent SEN department and she is part of a social skills group as well as doing speech and drama which really helps her.

Generally, she gets on well with the children in her class but struggles when there is any kind of conflict, losing her temper, telling them that she hates them and feeling that responding and reacting to every situation is the answer. I should point out that 90% of her behaviour in school is good, she is a diligent enthusiastic student who plays a full part in the class but struggles with playground politics. Although I am very happy with how school handle it I am concerned that she is starting to get upset about playground difficulties and doesn't know how to handle them.

At home her behaviour is ok. Most of the time she's well behaved but can lose her temper quickly especially if she isn't prepared for what is happening. For example I will tell her dinner is in 15 mins, then 10 mins, I will tell her that after dinner she needs to get her pj's on and then do homework. At bedtime I will tell her she's going to bed at 8 and give her 10 minute / 5 minute warnings. This works well and when this is in place we have few problems. DH doesn't do this even though I have discussed it with him and is then surprised when she has a meltdown.

She's also finding it hard to get to sleep at night. I have been a bit slack and her bed time has moved to 8pm which means that by the time she has faffed about she isn't asleep till 9.30/9.45 which is too late. I have told her that she is going to bed earlier from now on and I think it may help some of her behaviour.

All this points to me feeling that she is showing traits of aspergers in girls. I have spoken to school and to an independent consultant who both felt we should give it another 6-12 months before doing anything.

I would just love to know I am not alone. She's lovely, but she's definitely different and it breaks my heart that she struggles so much socially.

She sounds like a great kid and you sound like you already have a lot of effective strategies in place.

You could read the the explosive child by Stanley green which helps with lagging emotional and coping skills

Also Tony Atwood has written books about aspergers in girls and is worth a look.

Sounds like you have a good balance of giving her opportunities to socialize but without making too big a deal of it. She has friends and it doesn't really matter if they are mainly boys.

It doesn't matter if she is different so long as it isn't getting in the way of her having a happy productive life. If you think the social delays are a problem for her then yes it is time to seek a diagnosis but be aware that a diagnosis in itself doesn't necessarily open the door to more support. But as she gets older she may find it helpful to understand herself.

You are doing all the right things! You are not alone, there are plenty of people on here who can relate to what you are feeling: the social difficulties that our kids encounter are so so difficult to cope with as parents and we worry that they'll get hurt or will be singled out. I have come to think that this worrying bit is part of our kids's ASD. I have a diagnosis of ASD and the living proof (like many people diagnosed as adults) that it is possible to go through school/studying getting qualifications and finding happiness in relationships as well as personal interest, without any ASD specific support. However it has been really tough! The difference nowadays is that kids can get the support they need earlier in life so it won't have to be so hard! Your DD is having so much support already even before a diagnosis that she could well grow up without needing one or as obstacles explains very well, she might need one later in life but whatever will happen and whenever it might happen, it seems to me that you are doing a really good job.Keep posting/lurking on here, a lot of us can relate.

Hi tomorrow, I agree with the others to a degree and I have one diagnosed Dd and one not but with many traits of Aspergers/Asd.

The reason I pushed for Dd3 to be diagnosed was because her Asd impacts on her life daily. I tried to get Dd1 a dx butthis was 15 years ago and most Proffs didnt seem to beleive that girls could even have Asd then.

I have family members who have really struggled through life and who have not been able to access mainstream society due to their needs not being recognised. I didnt want my Dd's to fall into this.

I would probably be diagnosed if I went for assessment myself but I fall into the catagory of "Can cope with being quirky, most of the time!"

Sorry if I havent been much help but I wanted to give you another view.

Good luck whatever you decide, you sound like a great mum and I am sure you will make the right decision

Thank you. I think I am concerned as she is struggling a bit in the playground at the moment. She has an ongoing love hate relationship with a boy in her class and it is currently hate. They are winding each other up. It was 50.50 but now it is more her she seems to be unable to understand that she needs to leave him alone and not respond to everything aggressively such as putting her tongue out when he does something she doesn't like and having to have the last word. She's quite upset about it and says he won't leave her alone although the teacher days she won't leave him alone. I have talked to her about what she would like to do about it and have asked school if she can do a couple more lunch time clubs so that she's in a structured environment as playtime seems to be a real trigger for their arguing. I have also discussed with the teacher that she gets a house point for every good day she has which appeals to her competitive nature. It just breaks my heart that she is so upset by this and can't deal with the situation.

I feel that this is something which is going to be an issue in various guises throughout school as she simply doesn't have the empathy to understand the impact her behaviour has on other people.