What's the difference between a tantrum and a meltdown?

[adrianna22]

DS has been throwing tantrums a lot these days. Simply because he does not get what he wants, this is mainly treats and toys.

He there a huge, huge tantrum the other day, all because I did not buy him an ice-cream.

I thought DS's outbursts were because he was having a meltdown, but when looking online about the differences between a tantrum and a meltdown, DS seems to fit in more with the tantrum, only because he always looks out for my attention. Seriously, if I ignore his wailing, he would literally grab my face towards his and cries. Also, DS seems to be aware that people are watching and may seem embarrassed and of course as soon as he gets what he wants, the tantrum stops, like magic.

Is this a meltdown?

Also I feel like DS has started to lie to me or is trying to manipulate me. His four and has a severe language delay. When I put him to bed, he would tell me..well not tell me he will hold himself and point to where the toilet is, anyway when he does this and I allow him to get out of bed. He immediately will past the toilet and goes upstairs and put's the TV on, he has done this lying in many other situations.

The manipulation is when I would tell him to sit down and he obviously does not want to sit down. He would sit down anyway and would just throw whatever in his hands, on the floor as he knows that I will tell him to pick it up, when I tell him to pick it up as I was oblivious to what he was doing, he would pick up whatever is on the floor and ran away.

I have never found the distinction between “tantrum” and “meltdown” anything like as clear-cut as some people say, and in my experience these things get mixed up and so I prefer to use “tantrum” for everything.

The fact that my DS stopped his tantrum as soon as he got what he wanted did not mean it was deliberate or manipulative or under his control. Like your DS, as soon as the source of the frustration stopped so the kicking and screaming stopped. But if he got the ice cream and felt satisfied then why should he carry on? And if my DS's attention focused on something else he would also instantly stop the tantrum, only to go back to it when he remembered what was bothering him. Again, that wasn’t deliberate.

On the other hand my DS was very unselfconscious and didn’t try to control himself in front of other people until he was much older. And sometimes his tantrums were simply because he lacked other ways to express what he wanted and why – for a long time his only persuasion strategies were scream, scream louder, kick, kick harder. Other kids could reason or beg or wheedle or whine or charm. He couldn’t. And that added to his sense of frustration, especially when I didn’t give in to kicking and screaming. So, is that a tantrum or a meltdown? Another complication is that what starts out as pure frustration can gradually turn into learned behaviour (which is why I preferred to give in before the tantrum, so DS would not learn that tantrums got him what he wanted).

For me at least it’s never been as simple as “tantrum versus meltdown”.

Thanks guys for the replies. I realised that a tantrum and a melt down is not clear cut at all.

I thought he was having these behaviours because of his ASD and its very frustrating as I when I explained his behaviours to doctors, they immediately jump to stereotypical symptoms of autism. Like one doctor told me, that it could be a sensory thing and that he does not like the bright lights in the shop. I actually had to persuade the doctor that this was not the case.

I agree it's not my necessarily completely clear cut but I find this description helpful to explain my ds" meltdowns to myself and others.

excellent article jackster - explains things far better than I could. DS has both, the tantrums are generally more short-lived and usually have a specific cause, the meltdowns can appear from nowhere, go on for hours and often have no audience at all as he will shut himself in a room and carry on until he is exhausted its not in my nature to 'leave him to it' but often any interaction or 'help' from me just makes it worse. I've also noticed that before/at the start of a meltdown his face goes really noticeably red. I think a lot of the time it's caused by a fight or flight response to something, often if something is different to how he imagined it would go or sometimes it appears to be nothing but I believe it is a build up of overstimulation/difficult experience that something very minor can tip over the edge.

from what you've described it sounds like your DS is having tantrums, but that doesn't mean he's able to stop acting in that way (imo a tantrum is a loss of control of emotion) - I imagine a lot is stemming from frustration. do you use makaton or similar with him?
is he under SALT for the language delay? if he can find other ways to communicate maybe he will feel more in control. it's really hard when your child is having tantrums - a lot of my friends say ignore but I think they just need help managing their feelings sometimes

I have a beautiful marker for 'meltdowns' that I use when dealing with DS.

A tantrum is something he is fully aware of and is a means to an end, so if he gets his own way it is over instantly.

A meltdown is completely different. Our point of reference is 'The Great Meadowhall Meltdown of 2013'

He completely lost it when we tried to exit a bookshop containing a spinning bookcase of Mr Men books (Mr Men = special interest, and spinning thing = hours of twisy turny fun!)

He was so very very past tantrumming, he was totally untouchable both physically and emotionally and it went on for what felt like hours.

DH had to pick him up, shoppers were diving for cover, eventually got out of the shop where he then proceeded to bang his head repeatedly off the hard marble like floor of the mall. People stopped to stare at the spectacle that was DS screaming like a banshee, dripping with sweat and us trying to coax him down. Happy days.

He suddenly flopped when I offered him the baby's pushchair. He crawled in and pulled the hood down, sobbing in the featal position.

So yeah, we use that little experience to differentiate between a tantrum and a meltdown. You live and learn! NEVER NEVER will we be going back to Meadowhall ( they would probably stop us at the door and refuse entry anyway )

That article is very interesting.

My dd2, who is nt (but does seem to suffer from anxiety) has what I would describe as meltdowns - she seems to disappear when she has them, and is unreachable, when it happens I can see the terror in her eyes, she is completely overwhelmed by her panic.

Ds has tantrums (where he wants something he can't have, throws himself on the floor and wails and will stop -eventually -when he is ignored) but he also has very distinct 'meltdowns' where it often seems completely out of the blue, and there is no reasoning, he couldn't be ignored as he will bang his head or hurt himself, but he will lash out and afterwards he is a sweaty exhausted mess. So to me there are very distinct differences.