Help please- aspergers, ADHD and gone off the rails again

[BiddyPop]

Not quite at crisis, but I am feeling it's very hard to cope and dd is showing lots of signs if stress, as is DH.

Dd has ADHD and aspergers Dx. Mainstream school. Pretty high functioning. Loves sports. But rules the roost and can be obnoxious. Only child.

DH is similar, although not as obvious, things like putting on a show for work stuff and being extrovert but then retreating into a shell, needs routine and control....and no, it's not an abuse or LTB situation. But he is pretty stressed work wise at the moment (as well as 2 weeks out of 4 in South Africa for work, and working FT when here, he's about to start another project in the Middle East - he raves solo and I know it's hard for me here but also for him there).

I work FT, deal with home management, diary management, forward planning, am the one who has done the courses for dd, and have to deal with whatever she presents when I get in from work on a daily basis. I'm always first, and have to sort dinner and homework as soon as I get in as well as the moods. And deal with a stranger , living in my home constantly as we got an au pair once DH started travelling. While I still deal with plenty of hip, back shoulder and neck pain from 2 whiplashes 11 and 23 months ago (mainly muscular tension now but still PAIN).

Sorry for the offload, trying to show a picture.

Anyway, dd has her first communion coming up this weekend. She's doing emotional literacy in the clinic at the moment (5 weeks structured play/learning group). Did I say she's 8? She's having a hard time at school. Being excluded from athletics club for bad behaviour (which I absolutely accept, I want to change behaviour but she's threatening to not go back and sees it as others fault when teacher has seen incidents that are fefinitely her fault, black can be white in her mind).

Twice in the past 2 weeks she's woken up screaming, but not actually been awake. Her sleep is really bad anyway at the moment and she's finding it hard to drop off but also waking during the night and early mornings. She's doing too much but won't stop any. If we are not out and about, charging round, at the weekend, she's "bored". If she's not charging around, she wants to play mine raft or just watch TV for hours and hours, and refuses mot engage with family life, chores, even come to meals. Her appetite is crap anyway from meds and fussiness combined.

I hurt at the moment. I am putting on weight, not losing the 3 stone I need to. Work is manic and very uncertain too. I have some serious staffing issues. DH is stressed out and has taken to shouting a lot at home as he can't deal with dd at the moment. But shouting and loud TV etc all ramp up the issues. (I will still have a job but it's crap at the minute and it could get worse, I can't reduce hours either).

What the hell can I do to improve it?
Sorry for the brain dump.

Wow, BiddyPop. I've no idea what you can do to improve things, and I don't want to sound patronising, but something has to give, doesn't it?

How good is the AP with your DD. Does the timing of your DD's behavioural decline coincide with being in her care, at all, or does it pre-date that? I wonder how useful she would be in helping you to timetable in the screen time as down time that your DD needs, while enforcing reasonable boundaries.

I'm also wondering how well supported your DD is at school. Behaviour is communication and her behaviour at athletics is probably a message that she's mentally exhausted from holding it all together all day and can't carry it on any longer.

The explosive child is well worth reading and might help you to set boundaries with your DD in a way that helps her to feel in control. It might also give you some pointers with your DH, as well. Mine doesn't have an AS diagnosis, but has a lot of traits and has been stressed at work recently - his ability to think on his feet and be patient with the boys is seriously depleted. It doesn't do a lot to maintain calm.

Thank you both. I'm only back sitting again now, but it was at least calmer.

Explosive child is on my list to read, I think it needs to be got and read sooner than others.

No OT involvement at all, not on offer here. But I know she has some sensory issues around noise and light and we work on minimising that (whenDH is not selfish about wanting TV on during the manic time, or DDAD insisting).

I was spotting stuff, and noting it, but my brain melt recently means I haven't been paying attention. And my notebook is somewhere safe (aka temporarily lost). But I will start again.

Her meds are going to be reviewed, we had a very last minute appointment for ADHD clinic yest, which DH took her to and new Dr (ours on leave at moment) wants to try something different (DH thought strattera or another similar one, that will have to build up in her system).

I you may be right I need to stop the train aand jump off for a day or 2. I have a busy week, although I have fit in hairdresser on Friday lunchbreak. I will take a day to myself next week.

We spent time over the weekend booking summercamps, including ones dd wants to go to and a few that are shorter days to give her the break she needs and a week in PILs with no camp or commitment. I have a break one of those weeks. But I need to do something now too.

DS1 takes strattera - it can be very good for a child with a dual diagnosis and anxiety as the crashes don't happen that you can get with methylphenidate, even if the overall therapeutic effect might not be as helpful. DS1 went straight onto that without any faff because of our various concerns about potential methylphenidate side effects (which replicated difficulties he already had without it) and it's improved his quality of life immensely.

And I don't know how much responsibility you take for staffing, but maybe a few days' mental health break now (you're tired and coming down with everything, you know, and don't want to pass D&V on to anyone else - 48 hr rule if you're in an environment that expects you to be heroic) could go a long way to prevent you from completely floundering and ending up needing to take a much longer break, in the not so distant future.

Thanks ouryve, that helps to know that about meds, and. Wise words on work.

P s I hate the autocorrect in iPads!!! half my typing goes funny

If I need to type properly, I always open up my laptop! Or my phone - at least that has predictive text.