Um, do you think this was ok? Suggestion of Aspergers.

[RightSideOfWatford]

DD is 12, in Year 8 of grammar school. Has always been a little eccentric. I have often wondered about Aspergers/ADD but she copes fine, so not felt the need to pursue anything. She is finding the teen years harder especially friendships, but is fairly content with herself.

School suggested she have some counselling following some bullying/feelings of being excluded. This has been going on fine - DD has been enjoying the sessions, although not saying much about them.

She came home a few weeks ago saying her counsellor has suggested she might have Aspergers, and that 'they' could test her for it if she wanted.
I've not heard anything from the school though and it has been a few weeks now.

So, a couple of questions - would you have expected school to have got in touch by now if they were going to do anything, and should the counsellor have introduced this idea to DD just like that, with no contact with us before or since or action plan for DD?

Would welcome your views.

I think it was entirely inappropriate for the counsellor to have raised a suggestion of a diagnosis with your daughter. Sorry. I would have been very angry if that had happened to a child of mine at that age. I would be writing an angry letter to the school asking them to justify their actions and to request a copy of their qualifications in this area and their code of practice that suggests this is an okay thing to do.

However, are you CERTAIN that the counsellor raised it, or could your DD have explored the issue herself and then used the counsellor as an excuse to raise it with you?

And, now that it has been done, how is your DD about it?

Hmm. Yes, I am slightly concerned about it myself.

DD is fine about it - said it 'came up' when she was talking about not understanding why the girls in her class loved JLS/Jacob Maynard/fashion/shrieking a lot lol! The counsellor then said that they had been thinking for a while that DD might have AS, and that she felt DD felt different to others her age.

DD does agree with this, as do I, but I am still a bit about such a potentially big thing just being brought up and then seemingly dropped.

DD is wanting to find out more about AS now, which again is fine - she loves finding out about all manner of things - but I don't want her to think she has AS without proper cause/investigation.

The school counsellor is from a separate organisation brought in by the school. Not sure if or who to speak to about it.

Hi rightside I agree with star you need to know what qualifications this person has!

There is no way she should be suggesting this to your Dd without at least speaking to you first.

Good on your Dd for doing some research for herself though and I guess if she does feel that she fits the profile for Aspergers then you could start the journey to possible formal diagnosis together.

There is a great new round extra on you tube I think its called "My autism and me" it is narated by a girl who is about the same age as your Dd so she might like to watch that.

I have a Dd who is 11 and has Asd, she is academically able and in mainstream school. she was diagnosed when she was 9 and is very comfortable with who she is and embraces her differences. she does really struggle with school though and we are worried about her transition to a very large secondary school.

We attend a support group just for girls with Asd/Aspergers and the paediatricin who started it says that many of our girls really struggle at secondary, especially when the social stuff gets so much more complicated as it does with teenage girls.

Good luck

My poor DD experiencing real social struggles at the moment (just turned 12, has AS, mainstream girls school). Best friend has 'turned' on her recently and has a few other girls who are now being rather nasty.

Bless her...although her self esteem is currently not suffering through the situation, she is so confused and hurt by it all and doesn't quite know how to handle it.

Sorry...have hijacked thread!

OP - Definitely strange for counsellor to suggest AS and then not have any follow up from school at all. Can you contact form tutor or head of year to find out any more?

Thanks all. You have confirmed my instinct that the counsellor, whatever her intentions, has not handled this well. I will make contact with DD's form tutor and see what she says.
My DD sounds a lot like the DD's you are describing, smart with good self esteem but struggling socially. I am not sure where being 'her own person' with a few definite quirks, turns into AS though, or whether she would benefit from a diagnosis.
It might give her cause 'not to bother' trying to improve her social skills rather than helping her understand why she find it hard?
Anyway, thanks very much from your voices of experience - much appreciated!

If a child is having difficulties with peers then anything that even hints of "blame the victim" really, really annoys me, especially amongst tween/teen girls where bullying can be so insidious and subtle that adult eyes often miss some real cruel behavior. What matters is protecting/improving the child's self-esteem and giving that child the practical tools to cope in a positive way.

I'm not sure this professional is quite managing to do that, rather there is a danger she/he is reinforcing any feelings of isolation from the child's peer group. I have real issues with any adult that increases a young person's sense of alienation from their peer group as I think it's a dangerous place for a youngster to be on many levels.

The diagnostic process for a 12 year old could be quite emotionally challenging and for this reason even suggesting it without first informing the parents seems wrong to me.

I'm rather doubtful of this professional's skills tbh, and in your shoes would be wanting a chat before he/she met with my child again.

I feel a bit borderline about what the counsellor said to your DD. It’s partly a question of age – a couple of years younger and I’d have definitely thought it was unprofessional, as things are I can see it either way. But it can't be undone, and given that the counsellor has said it, I think the most important question now is what your DD wants to do. It’s possible that the reason you haven’t heard is because the counsellor is waiting for your DD to make her own decision whether she wants to pursue a diagnosis or not. Has she told the counsellor she wants to go ahead? If she has, then it's likely that things are just moving very very slowly (a snail's pace is normal!) and a letter to you is in the pipeline. But if she hasn't, it's quite possible that nothing more will happen.

The person you really need to talk to first is your DD. Now that the idea has been suggested to her she may want to find out for sure, one way or the other. Or she may not. What does she want?

Also - your DD may not be ready for the form tutor to know that she might have an ASC. She might be glad the counsellor didn’t hurry her into an action plan and is giving her time to explore her feelings and make her own decisions first. She’s still very young and of course you only want to protect her, but when your DD tells you something she might want you to support her in deciding things for herself, rather than taking it out of her hands. How you handle things now will be a factor in her self-esteem too.

Err ...what Kleinzeit said essentially.

My 12yr old daughter is AS, diagnosed when 7/8ish.
If you look for info please make sure you look specifically at girls with AS as they present differently to boys as they have higher social skills. Prof Attwood (from memory?) has done a lot of research into how girls present and you would be able to find his work on the web, I think he also has a book about girls with AS. I found his info incredibly useful.
I remember feeling as if my world spun around when I found out but it is really not scary, please try not to worry. She obviously has a good mum looking out for her and a school that wants to help too.