Feeling VERY uncomfortable with this, advice please

[claw2]

I emailed ds's class teacher etc, after he wasn't able to attend last week after the first day back, as he was so distressed when he returned from school and didn't sleep at all night.

I told them from what ds was saying, he seems to be struggling with his understanding, particularly with the more abstract subjects ie not knowing what he is suppose to be doing in science/RE/languages, not understanding the questions, not understanding the explanations and feeling very confused by it all. Also struggling with social situations and unstructured times ie playtimes and PE and feeling bullied, 'unfair' due to him struggling with social understanding, unwritten rules, changes etc.

Class teacher has replied "It is interesting that he does not present the same anxieties when he is in school and, generally, manages the times that you have described very well indeed. Playtimes in particular often appear to be a strength. His perception once he is at home appears altered from the reality

Ds has autism ffs, I think what he describes is fairly common with children with autism. They seem to be implying that he doesn't have these difficulties and cannot distinguish reality.

I feel very, very uncomfortable with this, as rather than helping him with the things he is struggling with, they will be treating him as if he is making it all up.

How do I reply to this email? I am really losing patience.

We have exactly the same with our ds. Crying at home saying he can't cope, and when we mention this to school they say he is fine, always looks happy. He struggles at playtimes but like your ds school don't seem to understand that he can't cope with rowdy behaviour and feels bullied . Our ds also has autism and is in an indie special school so you would think they would understand.!!

This is a special school isn't it? So they should have a passing insight into asd thought processes.

Honestly I think you should have a quiet word with an autism charity before responding. Tony Attwood has some great quotes on this topic but unfortunately my relevant books are in storage so I can't reference them for you.

There are some real downsides to homeschooling kids prone to anxiety - I'm so lonely some days it isn't funny, & would kill for one hour a week to meet a mate for a natter in a coffee shop but overall i have found it so much easier not having to constantly teach the teachers iykwim. My energy levels are far higher than they were towards the end of DS's school career. You can only smash your head against a brick wall for so long.

Sorry but that guy is RUDE

how dare he dismiss your concerns like that "it is interesting" the pompous arse!

I would request a meeting with Head and SENCo present (have been around this particular block a few times)

I believe you. It sounds as though the class teacher isn't terribly perceptive or understanding of his difficulties.

DS2 likes school and at the moment is coping really well, but there are a few areas he finds challenging:

In Science, he is gifted at the subject itself (achieving level 6A in Y7) but cannot interpret SATs style questions, nor read the mind of the person who wrote the mark scheme.

In RS, he can't do any of the interpretive stuff to any high level.

In English, he is great at spelling, punctuation & grammar, but cannot really 'do' English literature. He loves reading, but when it comes to the analysis, he just doesn't interpret texts in the same way as neurotypical teachers or examiners.

PE/Games: he cannot throw or catch a ball or hit a ball with any sort of stick/bat/racquet. Terrible coordination & balance.

Playtime/lunchtime: we have found a solution to this! He buys a sandwich/baguette/salad at morning break to avoid the queues, then puts it in his locker till lunchtime. eats his lunch with his small group of friends or in the Learning Support department, then goes to a club of some sort every lunchtime.

Thanks Scottish and Boc.

No it isn't a special school, its an indi MS with specialist provision on site. However the specialist provision is as good as useless, if school are saying he doesn't struggle with anything, as they then will not make any recommendations!

Counsellor for example is listening to school's version and not ds's version of how he feels etc. How to treat a kid who isn't struggling is just to reinforce that he doesn't feel that way, which is making ds worse as he feels no one listens to him when he tells them he is struggling.

A few weeks ago, ds was getting extremely distressed in school and I had to be called to go and pick him on 2 occasions as they couldn't calm him down. Then counsellor told everyone to 'challenge' his negative thinking by repeating 'you can do it' or 'no you dont feel sick' when he displays physical signs of anxiety, until he complies. It is 'working' as ds is complying, however he has started to self harm and not be able to sleep again at home.

So we are back to square one, with school claiming excellent 'progress' and me left to deal the fall out. Then it will be 'oh, mum is reinforcing his behaviour' shit again. I am going in circles.

I would also add I stand no chance of getting him into a special school, if school are claiming, he is doing fine.

about 6 articles down on this page is a very good letter that may help (Is it possible for children to display different behaviours at home compared to school?) - unfortunately I think this is very common, DS has only just started nursery and at the moment has no dx but I have forewarned his keyworker. I'm sure they'll think I'm mad with my 2 sides of A4 'concerns' but we know our own DC and obviously in your case you have a dx, I think it's important they realise that even if no 'symptoms' are present at school, they still need to be on side to lesson confusion, anxiety and distress, there's so much they could be doing to help other than basically saying "not our problem" !

This sounds so familiar! Only our ds is still in primary. He comes home and tells us what is bothering him. We communicate it to school and they say we have had a chat and he denies it all. Of course they don't realise he agrees with them because a ) it stops him getting in trouble and b) he feels they don't believe him anyway! He got punched yesterday but didn't tell the teacher as he said he wouldn't be believed. :(

Oh and we are still on the waiting list for our dx. We 'only' have an ADHD dx ATM.

It was my failure to get even the new LA to accept that mainstream is not for DS that finalised my decision to home ed permanently Claw2.

I just wasn't prepared to watch as a fourth placement broke down in order to get them to listen to reason. There's only so many times you can pick a child up and rebuild their self-esteem before the cumulative damage becomes beyond repair. I would have liked to have achieved more academically with DS this year, but he needed to heal first.

Sounds like he just can't be bothered and is one of those arrogant jobs worth teachers to me.
Especially if you've been called in due to take hhim home due to these problems!

it may be that most of the time your ds is fine at the time and the anxiety is the worst problem but it still needs to be addressed.

I would write something equally condescending back, something along the lines of, it's interesting that you feel ds is not struggling with x y and z considering I have been called to pick him up from school several times recently due to this issue...

Hmm, sounds familiar. This 'fine at school' thing seems to happen so often that I really think a lot of teachers just think that as long as it's not causing them any problems they can pretend it's not happening.

I emailed my DS's teacher this from the NAS. The relevant bit is on page 3, under the heading 'He behaves ok at school but at home he is a nightmare'.

Thanks for your replies. It seems to me that ds's 'anxiety' is being confused with his other difficulties too.

Kind of like ok, he managed not to get anxious when he struggled in science. Great! but he still struggled in science. He then reflects on his struggling in science at home and says he doesn't understand what is being said, whats expected of him etc, etc.

The fact that he may not have got anxious, doesn't mean he isn't struggling. ARGH!

Im going to go out, relax a bit and deal with this later this evening.

Bork am I sent that to my school and they sent it back to me saying that I shouldn't believe everything I read on the Internet!

Borka, sorry!

That's terrible . Because of course the NAS doesn't know anything about autism.

Claw, I am sorry you are having these difficulties ('tis s i l v e r f r o g btw)

I have just been emailed, along with dd2's dx report, an extremely useful set of notes for school re: behaviours, class practice, homework etc (haven't yet shared with the school, as only just received, so who knows whether they will take note or not...). I am happy to share these with you if you want.

I have similar discussions and thoughts re: teachers' behaviour. dd2's teacher told her off yesterday morning for not having her reading book. dd2 didn't have a reading book. teacher looked mystified, and asked why not. Answer: didn't get given one. Teacher asks why, then, didn't dd2 speak up on Friday, dd2 looks bewildered. Turns out teacher asked everyone in the class to hold up their reading book on Friday, so she could check each child had one. dd2 bursts out 'but I didn't put my hand up!" at this point. teacher then asks why dd2 didn't say anything when she failed ot notice that dd2 didn't have her hand up. I was, by this point thinking 'because she's not a flipping mind reader!', but mildly pointed out that dd2 had, in fact, done as asked. teacher continued to look confused...

Borka, I think the exact reasoning was that it was 'general' and the pead hadn't told them about it for specifically ds, so therefore it didn't apply. Cos obviously generalisations spring from nowhere....

I can't wait until we get the dx!

How does this sound as a start in reply to CT email.

I am little confused, perhaps I have not explained myself very well.

I thought we had already established that ds has difficulties with social understanding, understanding the intentions and motivations of others, his understanding and use of language etc, etc.
I thought this was evident in school prior to half term when he became very distressed in school on several occasions. When he accused his TA of 'abusing him' and 'blackmailing' him when she spoke to him and tried various strategies to try to calm him down. Ds also told his peers 'he would bring a knife into school and stab them' when he misinterpreted their kind pats on the back as threatening.

Ds was asked not to return to school on the Monday, so we could have a planning meeting. At this meeting it was agreed that SALT and OT would be asked for suggestions and I emailed them prior to half term.

Ds inability to think logically, is linked the above difficulties which is why I asked for suggestions from counsellor, SALT, OT.

You're much braver than me Claw - I've stepped back from the fight for DD2: She's HE from today. She's delighted

I am getting to that point Lougle, I always thought how on earth would I help ds with his difficulties such as sensory, language etc. Im not trained. I have always thought ds needs 'specialist' input and anyone who HE's is the brave one!

I am beginning to think this bunch of spanners, could not organise a piss up in a brewery and are not 'specialist' at all.

Its really not rocket science, yes ds's logic is very skewed, due his difficulties. I am asking for help from OT, SALT etc to deal with his difficulties so that his logic isn't quite as skewed. I feel I am speaking a different language!

So pleased to hear your dd is delighted

I don't ultimately think I can ever match genuine evidence based, specialist provision at home, however DS was never offered that iyswim!

Common sense, and kindness goes such a long way though. At least I can provide a safe learning environment for DS at home where he doesn't have to run the daily gauntlet of blame, disbelief and ridicule from adults for things beyond his control. It took his entire day yesterday to type a dozen simple sentences - but instead of being made to feel small because he struggled, he went to bed with a sense of well deserved achievement as he had got there by himself in the end.

www.thepdaresource.com/files/Dr_Luke_Beardon.pdf
If I've pasted this link properly, it's also a useful rebuttal to the 'fine at school' chestnut.

Damn it it didn't work but maybe you can copy and paste...

I am beginning to feel I have fought for 4 years for nothing Boc, if this is the level of understanding and provision available to ds.

I am sure there are plenty of professionals out there worth their weight in gold, but the ones I am encountering seem gormless.

To me when I hear of a situation in school, such as ds accusing his TA of 'telling lies' he actually does think she is telling lies, because he hasnt understood the language used, he hasn't understood her actions or her intentions. He really does feel persecuted/bullied/unfair etc. Not because he has no grasp on reality or is lying. Its fairly easy to use direct language, visual, explain any changes beforehand etc, rather than telling him off for his actions and making him feel even more persecuted.

I HATE it when they try to blame to him for their shortcomings. Its bloody dangerous too. Having no grasp on reality is the stuff sections are made of