dd2, sleepover at school, WWYD?

[AlarmOnSnooze]

dd2 is 7, and has a recent dx of AS. She is not dry at night (getting there, but not reliable at all).

Next week, she has a possible sleepover at school. SHe is, unexpectedly, hugely looking forward to it (I thought she'd not want to, and she may yet change her mind).

I have spoken to the school, and they are happy for her to stay, and will help her out if need be (she won't really need it, she is independent enough, and as long as she knows where she can get changed etc, she is fine).

My plan is to get her 2 pairs of identical pyjamas, so if she needs to change then it won't be noticeable, obv pull ups (standard for her anyway) and her teacher will try to ensure she beds down on the edge of the group so she can slip off quietly if need be. So far, so good. HOWEVER.

dd2 obv sees not being dry at night as completely normal. dd1 isn't reliable either, and we don't have overnight stays/sleepovers with other children enough for her to see it as odd that she isn't. I tried to have a chat with her earlier about the need to be discreet about this (last thign I want is her being teased for something she cannot help), and she just doesn't get it. She freaked out at the thought of getting changed in the loos for eg, as she doesn't at home.

I have no idea how to get her to understand the need for privacy over this, without makin her feel like she is the one in the wrong.

I was talking to a neighbour about it the other day, and she will be keeping her ds away from the sleepover because he to is not dry, and she doesn't want him to be teased. THis has made me wonder if I am doing the right thing by lettign dd2 go. SHe has no notion of teasing people for being different - how could she, when she has been taught all her life that it si ok if people take longer to do XYZ, or have difficulty learning ABC. Sadly, I know there are one or two childrne in her year who would take delight in seizing on somehting like this and suign it against her (dd2 is your typical goody-goody, always doign the right thing, practically teachers pet etc).

So, WWYD? Let her go, knowng that almost certainly she won't be discreet, or keep her home from something she really wants to try (which would be a massive step for her as she has never stayed away from home)?

It is fab, isn't it? She is so excited by the thought (partly, I think, because it is something 'normal' - although she still doesn't officially know she is on the spectrum - that all her friends do,and so she wants to do it too)

I was all for it, after all they are only 6, and I am absolutely certain she won't be the only one still using pull ups at night time. I had a quiet word with her teacher, so they were aware, and thought with careful handling etc, it would all be fine.

Then I spoke to my neighbour, who is keeping her equally excited ds away because he is already finding it tough to fit in (he started this year, into a cohort which has mostly been together since pre-school), is a little quirky and young for his age (erm, that'll be just like dd2 then!), and she doesn't want there to be any reason for him to be teased. ANd that got me thinking.

I have no way of knowing whether all the children who still wear pull ups will be going or not (there won't be that many, I know, but I do know of at least 2 others who were having night wetting issues not that long ago), so don't know whether dd2 will end up being the only one who does go.

I got to the bottom of not wanting to get changed in the loos - apparently they are always wet on the floor. So will have a word with her teacher about that, and come up with a plan.

She had a wobble about teeth cleaning, as she doesn't usually put the toothpaste on her toothbrush, but is practising hard so she is ready.

oh, I'm still undecided.

I was, yes. I was still a bit worried, but I think I was I denial a bit over how tough she finds it socially. Talking to my neighbour made me think 'hang on, that's dd2 you're describing' and see it from a different perspective.

Dd2 has been there since preschool. She has one good friend (who is a lot like her) and a lot of other people she describes as friends, but it's really just a list of people she knows. She is reasonably popular, in that she can get on with most people, but I know she is beginning to struggle to keep up, socially, and that she is beginning to stand out a bit in independence/maturity terms.

I think I was erring on the edge of her (and everyone) being young enough to get away with it all before I spoke to my neighbour, and now I'm seeing it more in terms of tem all being (just) old enough for it to matter, iyswim?

School are not yet officially aware of her AS dx (have only had draft report, and not full advice) but obviously know I think there are issues. I think they will be surprised but he AS dx. But even without that, they will handle this ok, I think, in term of supporting her etc. it's the other children and the ongoing playground tittle tattle tha I am more concerned about.

I remain convinced she will bail out on te night, btw. I think right at te last minute she will want to come home (all fine, an perfectly possible, and she won't be the only one). School ran the same thing last year, and dd2's teacher's dc was on the trip/sleepover last year so teacher knows the full run down.

I think at the time to bed down dd2 will have a wobble about not being in er own bed. If we even get that far, with me having major wobbles now.

Oh this is a tricky one. My ds is 7 and also not embarassed about being in pull ups. I think it would really depend on how much faith I had in the teaching staff to manage the situation. If you think they will totally handle it then I would let her go I think. I don't actually think many children at that age would really think much of it but having a couple who might ause trouble is a bit different

I mean without them, I wouldn't hesitate really

thanks, Levantine.

I am still wobbling.

dd2 is probably going to combust with excitement before Friday

I spoke to her teacher today re: dd2 not wanting to get changed in the loos, and that is easily sorted out. I am no convinced, however, that dd2 is taking on board the need for privacy and I can see why it is difficult for her to do so - her class all get changed in their classroom for PE. they are separated out (boys/girls) to get changed for swimming, but even then, there is no thought to modesty from the majority of the children (all fine, imo). So why would this be any different, for dd2?

If I could be sure that there would be nothing longterm from this, I ouwld be as excited for her as she is. Hopefully the majority won't think anything of it, so even if one or two do try to start teasing, it won't take off.

We had a little girl at one of our rainbow sleepovers who wore pull-ups at night - the only one out of around 30 girls. I guess we were fortunate perhaps in that the girl was concerned herself what others might think, so one leader was assigned to buddy up with her and take her off to the disabled toilets to get changed into pjs and pull-ups, then join the rest of the girls for teeth cleaning. In the chaos of 30 girls changing, no one noticed she wasn't there with them - girls were back and forth to the toilet, chatting while they got changed and so on. Same again in the morning, she found her leader and went to the toilet. Pull-ups removed and disposed of, rejoined the other girls to get dressed.

It may also have helped that children going off to the toilet accompanied by an adult is the usual occurrence with our rainbow groups - we stand by the door to the bathroom while they are in the cubicle - as they are away from the main hall.

Equally, it wouldn't be tolerated if anyone teased for something which was beyond their control and we spend a lot of time with the girls learning about how people are different in a whole manner of ways, from simply wearing glasses to speaking another language.

once I was taking dsd (10 with asd) to the eurology clinic after school so she had to miss her club, she was explaining to a friend she couldn't go because she was going to the bedwetting clinic.
I did struggle to explain to her that she shouldn't speak to her friends about this without making her feel it's a babyish thing or a bad thing.

In the end I said that it's a very personal thing and that it's private for family members, In the same way that wouldn't do a poo in front of your friends. She sort of understood our think.

So maybe if she already has an understanding of privacy, tell her that it's a private thing that you don't tell friends?

Well, it's been and gone, and......

She did it! One overtired but happy girl currently curled up on the sofa. She managed the lot - full day trip out of school, back to school for tea/games/campfire, and then the sleepover.

She tells me she changed in private (we had a few wobbles over the week about why she had to keep it 'secret' -which I corrected to 'private', but I could see she didn't really buy it! - and after all the angst, she was dry anyway!

She managed all the new things - cleaning teeth all on her own, nt having the last bedtime story we have had all her life (dd1's routine!) - I told her if she missed it she could recite it to her teddy as he would be missing it too, which was an idea she liked. She sorted out her kit and clothes, and nothing is missing.

And her verdict? 'I didn't really have time to miss you, as I was too busy. Sorry'

Have to add, dd1 was also a star - settled to bed really well on her own (they share a room) and took it all in her stride.

Thank you everyone for your help and support. It meant loads, and let me give dd2 enough space to try this

Yay well done minisnooze