Parent that doesn't get that our child is "different"

[sbm78]

I need help advise on what to do here. Its causing problems between me and my partner.

I've been with my partner for nearly 3 years, when I met him I had been through a difficult marriage and he was perfect, he got on with my children and all was fine. It was him that supported me when I 1st approached CAMHS about my DS. He actually has a son under the Autistic spectrum himself so that kind of helped with me knowing that my son was different.

My problem is he doesn't seem to understand the way I am with DS he says he's 8 years old and should do as he is told. I have my own way of dealing with him as I'm sure many mums do, I have to break things down and make things clear what I want him to do. I know that shouting doesn't work and he doesn't understand the "I'll do it in a minute" he wants things done now. He doesn't get why my DS kicks and hits things (nor do I) but I know that he is different and have just learnt to live with it. I've tried to explain all this to my partner and he seems like he understands but then the next time my DS does something he kicks off again. I'm not saying that my DS always makes the right choices with my strategies because he doesn't but I know what he reacts too and what winds him up :(

I feel like I am banging my head against a brick wall. My partner is not great with his son either. He argues with him about it because he says he's 12 and not a baby anymore. GGRRRRRRR

Anyone been here??

Perhaps OH doesn't understand you when you try to communicate. I certainly had that problem.

and he doesn't understand the "I'll do it in a minute" he wants things done now. He doesn't get why my DS kicks and hits things (nor do I) but I know that he is different and have just learnt to live with it."

Are you working on those things, though, because it's possible that your DP is worried for your DS's future?

It's great that you understand your DS and accept him, but he is growing up in a world that won't do everything immediately for him and won't tolerate him kicking and hitting things. If the hitting/kicking isn't dealt with soon, he'll be a strapping teenager who will get himself in a LOT of trouble.

I agree with Lougle. Yes you need to sympathise and support your son but at the end of the day he needs to function in the real world and to learn what is appropriate and not.

Kicking and hitting things is usually due to one of three things: stress and anxiety; sensory overload; or frustration. Not having things straight away is a mix of anxiety/stress and frustration. Many kids with autism genuinely do not understand the idea of waiting for something, and being forced to wait does not teach them what waiting means, it just means they go through a huge tantrum and then they may or may not get what they want afterwards. Other kids with autism find it hard to communicate what they want, perhaps because they feel that you should already know, so by the time you have got the idea they are already boiling with frustration and anxiety and they just can’t bear to wait any longer. And that was the problem I had with my DS. Trying to make him wait just led to more and bigger tantrums. What worked for him was that I gave him exactly what he wanted as soon as I knew he wanted it, if I possibly could. After a few months of that he was able to accept me asking him, “do you need it right now or can you wait five minutes while I finish this email?” and he was able to have a little think and answer “five minutes Mum”.

PS also, your DS may simply not understand what "in a minute" means, many kids with ASCs are very literal minded and they need to be told exactly. He may need to be told "you can have it after I have finished the washing up" or "you can have it in five minutes" if he can tell the time, or you might need to set a timer with a bell or use a visual timer.

I do agree with lougle that he needs to learn how to wait, but that means learning lot of different skills and just forcing him to wait isn't enough by itself to teach him those skills.

Thank you Kleinzeit for your very helpful advise.

"Other kids with autism find it hard to communicate what they want, perhaps because they feel that you should already know, so by the time you have got the idea they are already boiling with frustration and anxiety and they just can’t bear to wait any longer"

This applies to my DS... we haven't had a "diagnosis" but I am pretty certain that he is on the spectrum somewhere. He has auditory processing disorder so often gets confused with instructions.

I need to sit down with my partner and go through all this again because I think we have a conversation and then it's forgotten! I find it difficult sometimes remembering how I am to act with him, differently to the other 2 children too.

As for the anger part of it, quite rightly as mentioned he shouldn't be kicking/hitting things I know this and we are working at it to help him defuse his anger other ways. We have CAMHS and behaviour support in place to help us and at school. I really hope that as he gets over and matures he will grow out of this. OR we have things in place that will over come this.

Lots to learn

Maturity has been a big help for my DS, he has far fewer aggressive outbursts and much better self control now he’s 15 than he did aged 8. Your DS is still very young. And getting the diagnosis was a big help.

Have you read Explosive Child by the way? It gives really good explanations for why some kids can’t help kicking off and some very good strategies for dealing with it. Might help your partner to read it too.