Concerned about 3yo

[HamAlive]

Hi, I posted this in behaviour and was advised to repost here, hope that's ok? I'm sorry if I'm worrying over nothing.

As time goes on I am more and more convinced that something isn't quite right with DS1 (3.2). The main thing is his reaction to going to new places and to people. A few examples from recent weeks:

• I took him to a play café. It had a nice big play space - not soft play but toy kitchen, dressing up, big fire engine to sit in etc. We got in the door and he froze, stuck to me, wouldn't play or leave my side. Then he slowly walked over to toy kitchen and stood there with his head down, wouldn't look at anyone. A baby toddled near him and he pushed her away/over. I don't know how but he ended up having what I describe as a meltdown - the noise he nakes is indescribable, there is no reaching him. I managed to get us and newborn DS2 out of there but the meltdown continued. I tried to pick him up and he went even more frantic. He is freakishly strong and I struggled to hold onto him writhing. As soon as we got hom he was fine.

• We stayed in a hotel this weekend. Upon arrival in the car park he promptly refused to get out of the car, refused to look at us or talk to us, wouldn't respond, then lashed out when we took him out of the car. He had a meltdown on the floor, again there was no reaching him. DH had to pick him up which was met with more unholy screaming and writhing. We got to our room and the meltdown continued.

• I have to do lots of "prep" with him before we do anything new. I had to get his passport photo done and this involved showing him various people's passports, talking about what would happen and what he would have to do. Same for a wedding we went to. If I don't, he will melt down.

• At a relative's house he shut himself in the bathroom screaming and crying and wouldn't calm down. When I tried to talk to him he hit me and smacked me round the face. Still wouldn't calm down. Had to strap him into his car seat to contain him. Possibly not the way to deal with it but feeling a bit lost.

He hates people getting close to him and will push them away. He has very set ideas about how things should go, so if we are playing, he will tell me exactly what to say/do and if I don't, he will get angry. Changes to his routine do not go down well.

He is constantly on the move and rarely stays still, always making noises/faces and moving various limbs. He climbs absolutely everything. He doesn't respond well, even if we are right in front of him and prodding him, he seems to be in his own world. If people (even ones he knows well) talk to him he will look away and refuse to look at them or respond. He freaks out if he gets stuff on his hands.

He hates singing. He will put his hands over my mouth if I sing. If I take him to a group that does singing at the end he will hide his face, cover my mouth and cry.

People keep telling me it's normal 3yo behaviour but the strength of his reactions worries me on a daily basis. He seems to be getting worse and I'm exhausted and clueless. Is this normal? Family say he's just shy/all toddlers have tantrums. He does have strops but those are very different from his meltdowns. I have a video (not pointing at him, sound only) of one that was triggered by putting a coat on, the noise is indescribable. Getting dressed is often a trigger.

Sorry for the waffle, there's a lot going round in my head at the moment.

I would ask your GP to refer your son to a developmental paediatrician for further evaluation asap.

Keep the film evidence to show the paediatrician and in the meantime document his behaviours. Note what he does re playing with toys too, does he do only parallel play or actual imaginative play (e.g using a banana as a phone etc). What's he like with clothes, his speech, eating, family relations?. Note it all down.

I cannot of course diagnose but have you considered that your son could be somewhere on the autistic spectrum?. That was my initial thought on reading your post here.

you've come to the right place, you'll get some great advice here! I saw your post in behaviour and thought "this doesn't sound like a behavioural issue, I wonder what they'd say on the SN board"! - the things you're mentioning sound very familiar, I have a DS who is also 3.2 and I have also had concerns for a while. I've done a lot of reading here and online and it's really helped me build a picture in my head of what's going on for him. I know I can't diagnose him and I'm not trying to but I've found that by doing some research I have an idea of why he acts the way he does (my theory is 'if he's giving us a hard time, he's having a hard time' so I'm then helping him try and deal with it instead of getting cross) and have some idea of how to handle it (I'm starting to use techniques that are used for children with the issues I suspect he may have, so I feel I'm at least doing something)

from what you've posted it sounds to me like sensory issues (the messy hands could be tactile, the meltdowns in busy places could be auditory) - I strongly recommend this book, it's really helped me have that AHA! moment with my DS and start to understand what might be the reasons for my DS's behaviour.

I'll tell you what I've done in case it can help you

1. started keeping a diary of his behaviour
2. videoed meltdowns (where possible) & photographed odd behaviour (lining up toys for example)
3. used various internet sources to write down lists of 'symptoms'/odd behaviours
4. started categorizing them into the triad of impairments (this is because from reading lots I am fairly convinced DS is on the autistic spectrum, this may not ring true for you but is worth a look)

after posting here myself a couple of weeks back I discovered that whilst DS has near-perfect speech a lot of his language is repeated and his social and non-verbal communication skills are lacking, I took him to a SALT (speech and language therapy) drop-in and he has been referred for a multidisciplinary assessment with a pediatrician, an OT (occupational therapist who deals with sensory issues), a physiotherapist and a SALT. it may take months to get this but he's on the radar which is a step in the right direction

you could take him to your GP and ask for a referral to a developmental pediatrician, but it might be worthwhile doing some reading and making some notes beforehand or I suspect you'll be told to see your HV for parenting classes!

the ladies on this board are amazing and will have lots more practical advice and experience for you, I just thought you may like to hear from someone in a similar boat, there could of course be many reasons for your DS's behaviour but my guess is he's struggling with processing his environment and is 'acting out' because it is overwhelming him...I see it as a puzzle to unravel. in the meantime I think you're in the right place to get a few possible answers.

feel free to PM me if you want to chat

Hi there, yep sounds like ASD to me, mine wasnt good with babies/other children and pushed them too - its a fear of not knowing how to interact, so make apt at doctor and as nicecupoftea says: get referral for a multidisciplinary assessment and Occupational Therapy. The right input now can make all the difference. Your son seems anxious at certain situations, I have found taking DS's fave toy in my bag helps to calm/distract him when he has a meltdown, or keep his fave snack in your bag... or even a phone... good luck

Hello- poor you. Many of us have been here- it's so grim and brought back many uncomfortable memories of groups that I tried to get my DS to attend that went horribly wrong- cue major tears and much embarrassment- from me especially- he didn't care. Do see someone soon. This will churn round and round your head until you get some answers. From what you say it does sound a little asd- ish.. Toddlers are toddlers but asd kids are different.. It concerns me when you say world of his own cos that's exactly how I pin pointed my son. Is he imaginative? Empathetic? Aware of other children and wishing to copy and join in with what they are doing? You are not alone!