Absolutely desperate for advice about meltdowns.

[Sahkoora]

Having a really hard time with DS (who is 5 and has ASD) right now. He's having huge meltdowns almost every day over things I can't avoid. During these meltdowns he is really violent towards me, DH and DS2 (2).

I'm currently 12wks pregnant and DS1 is at home until Sept when his ss school place starts, and I'm exhausted, sick and getting to the end of my rope. None of the professionals involved in our case have been able to help.

I am pretty good at spotting DS's triggers, but many of them involve DS2 coming too near his toys or wanting to take something he's playing with. We live in a pretty small flat and DS1 won't play in a room by himself. Most of the time DS2 has just looked at him and isn't anywhere near his toys. DS1 goes from nothing to full on screaming and ranting in seconds over anything he doesn't think is right.

Once he "flips", then he is completely unreachable. Not only this, but he actively seeks ways to prolong his own anger. He tries his best to provoke reactions from me and DH so that we will give him something to continue screaming about. Mostly, we stay calm and ignore, but the violence is escalating to the point where he will do us genuine harm. He will throw anything he can get his hands on, hit us with chairs, break bits off his toys and stab us, as well as bite, scratch, punch and kick. He does not hold back at all; he genuinely wants to hurt and kill us.

We have tried removing him from the room but we have to hold the door shut to stop him coming straight back in and continuing, and this is extremely distressing for DS, who hates to be by himself. He clawed the paint off the door and gets properly hysterical.

We've tried deep pressure and wrapping him up in lycra but it's the same thing. Restrainging him seems to cause him pain as he has sensory problems.

When we talk to him about his meltdowns while he is calm, he is very articulate and understanding about them, and knows exactly how to calm himself down. He just can't do this while it is going on.

Please please please tell me we are not alone. The professionals don't seem to have seen anything like it, they don't understand that he can't do the things he says he will when they talk to him. We've been through lots of versions of reward charts, emotion cards etc. We've made lots of different escape places with lights, torches, sensory toys. He won't go to them.

This is going to sound awful but I just want a padded cell to put him in so he can't hurt himself or us until he's calm.

Feeling so crap at the moment, totally at the end of my rope with pregnancy and all the battles we've had this year. I know it's only a few months until he starts school but I don't know how we're going to make it!

so sorry you're going through this. I've no help to offer but have posted earlier today as my 3 year old is doing similar (no diagnosis as yet) with me and his little sister

is he not at nursery or playschool? if in the UK you should be entitled to 15 hours a week and they usually have a SENCO who should be able to facilitate support.

someone with experience and advice will come along in a minute, this board has been a godsend to me so far

Thank you. DS is 5 and was permanently excluded from mainstream because of his difficulties. He has a special school place for Sept, but I doubt he is entitled to a nursery place at his age.

We have loads of professionals involved as it's been a long and messy fight to get him support in school but none of them can offer us any help in the home.

I feel for you Nice, well done for recognising the signs of SN, when DS was 3 I just thought I was a terrible parent to have raised such a "naughty" son and everyone told me school would straighten him out. HA! I had no idea ASD could manifest like this at all.

Now I feel as though we have fought a good fight, got everything we need, but just need to get through the next five months of being beaten up every day!

Thanks Polter, I have The Explosive Child somewhere, don't get a chance to read much at the moment but I will make an effort to read that.

It's very good to hear I am not the only one whose child is like this. It seems as though nothing works. We have tried a tent and sensory stuff, but DS won't use it during meltdowns. All he wants to do is carry on beating me up!

May I ask what a social care assessment is? I haven't heard of this before.

It is to see if social services can provide you any help / respite. Despite the intrusion into your life (actually after the initially flurry they are leaving us well alone) I would recommend as they have given us 6 hours 1:1 for each child a week. Sounds like your family could really do with this - it does make a difference.

ds1 is unreachable in a meltdown too! Our goal has to be prevention - his special school has really helped reduce his anxiety levels with dramatic effect on behaviour at home. I wonder if he is home all the time whether he needs more structure to his day. Does he understand about being excluded from mainstream and has he seen his new school? Could they do any transitioning for him next term so he has a better idea what to expect.

If your son is anything like ds2 he will have learnt that aggressive behaviour gets him what he wants e.g. out of school. We try and not reward the aggressiveness but that is easier said than done.

class.coursera.org/behaviorprinciples-001

Link to a free course on ABA for school-aged children hat has only just started. Includes stuff like how to do a basic functional behavioral analysis (eg how to work wtf the triggers are for meltdowns so you can prevent them!). Also includes a forum where others (particularly non UK professionals) may have some good hints and tips.

Thanks for the replies, sorry I haven't been able to respond, it's been v hectic here.

DS has been awful today. DH came home from work early and DS spent the whole time hitting, kicking, swearing and trying to provoke him. didn't want to do anything, not really a meltdown but just constantly and purposefully irritating IYSWIM? In the end, DH has gone out and things have calmed down but DH feels not welcome in his own home.

Anyone else's DH/DP get treated like this? I'm a SAHM so I'm aware DH is an interloper, but he spends plenty of time with DS while he's home, they have a fair bit of 1:1 and have a good relationship. But DS treats him way worse than he does me.

I've had horrible morning sickness, got no energy and I never, ever ever get any time to myself. I look like hell and I don't care, just feel like I've let everything go. I haven't brushed my hair or put my contact lenses in for days, no one sees me so who cares?

I try to talk to my DM about it but all I get is that it will all be over when DS goes to school, but tbh, September feels so far in the future I'm not sure I'll get there.

I should be so happy we got him the school place we wanted, that everything is all sorted out and about the new baby, but I'm drowning in it. Nobody understands except you ladies what the reality is like.

I belong to a few autism groups on FB and everyone is so positive, talking about how their kids aren't disabled, just different, and how blessed they are to be given this challenge and wouldn't change their DC.

I don't feel like that at all. Most of the time I feel like DS is not the son I raised and that his condition has leeched everything fun and happy out of me this year.

Sorry, that was a rather dramatic rant wasn't it. It feels good to say it though!

Thanks for the link to the ABA course, bochead. Will have a look right now. And I will sit down with DH at some point and broach the subject of social services. Can't see him wanting to get them involved, he's very wary of us letting any professionals know we are having difficulties at home, but I will see.

Thanks for listening.

Are you in contact with NAS, it might be worth it, to see if there are any groups or support in your area. Or even just to talk to someone who understands on the phone.
Do see if there is a local disabilities play scheme or something like that, to help.
I might also create a bit of fuss about what they are going to do about his education until September? (If he got something it might give you a breather, and he could do with some therapy.) Don't just let them wash their hands of you, those who ask get (more often).

Having a child with special needs is not always happy happy. I know lots of groups (both SN and NT) where everyone is like that - I have often felt a bit outside, but it is interesting if you persevere watching what happens to people when their children have difficulties.

Do you have room for a playpen? Or can he store his toys in a box (Ikea used to do a really nice treasure chest one).

I can only comment from experience of my DS acting in a similar way, as you know from my previous post we've yet to go through the assessment process. I'm wondering if your son might be looking for a connection - something like this - I know the situation you're describing well, DS often pushes and pushes and I've come to realise he's looking for an outlet or chance to 'let it all out'

my DH feels the same, any attempt to deal with dressing etc is met with screaming, aggression etc, I think the thing is to keep persisting with trying to build and work on connecting with our DC even when they're being vile, because often that's when they need us the most.

I'm sorry you're feeling so rotten. I know you say there's no point in making an effort as there's nobody to see you, but there is you...I feel so much better when I've 'done something' with my hair or put some make-up on (not saying this works for everyone but it helps me) and just half an hour in a coffee shop can make a world of difference, September is a long way away if you're doing the bulk on your own - you need to insist on it for your own wellbeing!