Well he communicates just fine with me!!!

[Mercythompson]

The latest from fil, and then mil says pathetic voice 'Oh I had thought you might come over for Easter!'

Why the fuck does she think we see of much less of them, speak in the phone less, Skype less?

Could it be something to do with the fact that he has autism and they use every single chance they get to dismiss it and try and prove he's fine?

I could be telling a funny story of something he's said and mil will say 'oh they all do that!'

I fucking know that, I didn't say they didn't, I was just trying to tell you a funny story about your grandson!!!

Anyway, ranting aside, I don't know how to handle this. We will still go and see them once a year, as they are the only grandparents and they do love ds1 and 2.

I have already cut down massively on how often I talk to them and barely mention the asd, but it's like they can't leave it alone and have to bring it up all the time, to prove he's ok.

I don't know how to handle this and am worried I will turn round one day and give it to them with both barrels.

Anyone else have similar and how do you handle it?

Sounds like they are in complete denial, maybe you could send them some information to help them accept his diagnosis, with a note saying ' thought you might find this useful in understanding a little bit more about your grandchild's condition and then you could suggest in the note that they shouldn't always feel the need to talk about it because it's what he has but it doesn't define him...

I feel for you. I have been there and have recently exploded at mil. I have taken a whole year of her blaming me for Ds difficulties in a oh I'm saying it's you in a really nice voice so that makes it ok kind of way. Ignore, ignore and ignore, concentrate on your child not their ignorance .

Toni, I honestly think anything I sent them they would use to prove he was fine. They only see h once or twice a year so are able to blatantly ignore anything they don't want to see.

Skylar, am going with ignoring at the moment with the occasional small pointed comment. I.e. On being told I mustn't tell someone about the autism I said 'it makes me sad when you say that, we're not ashamed of him!'

But that's rare, mostly I ignore. How did your explosion work out? Has anything changed?

I get this with ds all the time. It's quite hurtful that people would rather believe that you were making stuff up than there genuinely being a problem.
My parents bought the book in Polter's link, and it has really helped them understand what life is like, and I never get comments from them now, they are lovely and supportive.
The book is well worth buying.

I have family who live quite far away and only see ds 3 or 4 times a year. They have been the same, saying ds seems fine to them and that autism is really hard to diagnose. They made it clear they did not believe the diagnosis. It was really upsetting and I never wanted to speak to them again. 7 months on from diagnosis things are better. I asked them to watch the youtube videos, autism and me by Rory Hoy and BBC - My Autism and Me. Not sure if the videos helped or they are just not saying anything negative in front of me, but we are getting on better.

My mum was really horrible to me when ds was first diagnosed. She told me I had ruined his life! She is much more supportive now. I think explanations about the social problems ds has and the sensory issues have helped. Also telling her how much extra help ds gets at school.

I know exactly how you are feeling. Hopefully, in time, things will get better.

mercy the last straw came when Ds got too anxious to go into school and mil said to another relative that I had 'always had a problem with letting go of him' it really made me mad as she had no idea how much of a struggle things are and for her to suggest that I was somehow causing it brought me to tears. Why on earth would I want to be late for work, not have Ds in school, etc.
I decided from that point on that I will stay well away from
Her and tell her nothing, that way she can no longer judge me.
I have got the book polter suggests, it's very good.

its a generation thing I reckon - you look at how completely unnacceptable certain terms now are that used to be used to describe anyone with special needs - in the 'olden days' they used to just dump them all in residential homes and get on the with their lives and not think about it - its STILL like that in some parts of the world - Russia being one of them as recently highlighted in the press. So yes agree with advice here - ignore them - in laws dont get a bad rep for nothing - they are an absolute pain - no woman is ever good enough for their sons - at least we can look at their narrow minded and quite possibly biggotted behaviour and ensure we never become like them - as if having a sen child isnt hard enough hey? grrr

I don't quite have the problem you have but I do sympathise- my mum accepts my dsds diagnosis etc but she seems to think I'm being harsh on her (though I have no idea why she thinks this?!) when I explain to her about her problems. She sees her about 4 or 5 times a year and I live with her full time, so you'd think I was better able to describe her problems, but apparently not :P I told her about her trouble reading (she is 10 but has a reading age of about 5, and due to the struggle to read she needs very short books or she gets fed up) and she was saying well I'm sure if you do this etc (and we do a hell of a lot to try and work on her reading, much to dsds annoyance :P) she'll be able to read fine, you're underestimating her... well it took her trying to read a cracker joke at Christmas before she understood what I meant...

I see a pattern here and there's a clue in alita's post. If the grandparents are only seeing the child a few times a year they are only getting a snapshot of what they are really like, they have been looking forward to seeing them and of course they want it all to be 'perfect'. It is very easy for them to gloss over anything that threatens to spoil precious time with their grandchildren and also as the children are in a strange environment with people they don't actually know all that well they might behave differently so they are not getting a true picture anyway. There may even be a bit of jealousy of friends who see their grandchildren every week and won't shut up about it so they want to be able to have their own little 'boast'. Not brilliant but only human nature!

I honestly don't think it sounds as if these grandparents are deliberately trying to upset people, or are totally in denial, they just don't know how to handle the situation. I've had the same sort of thing with my family, you know how it goes. "He'll eat if he's hungry" from my stepdad, and "just tell him, you're the parent" from my sister, but the more time they've spent with ds the easier it's got as they've seen for themselves that it's not always so simple! They are now very supportive to me and accepting and loving with ds, I couldn't really ask for more. IME it has got better as ds has got older but my family had to have the chance to realise a lot of things for themselves (such as problems not being due to my parenting), which luckily they were able to do as we all live quite close to each other. I also found that including them by inviting them to some school events has helped them to understand things better (seeing ds with his classmates) as well as giving them the chance to be the proud grandparents . I'm not saying it's all perfect mind you. My mum recently made a remark about my dd being neglected due to me giving ds all the attention...