Who would I go to for advice about school refusal, other than here of course?

[Ineedmorepatience]

Dd3 has school refused again this morning, I kind of knew it was coming after she said last night that she wasn't going

However she took her avoidance to a new level this morning and lay flat out face down on our dining room floor and refused to move.

I did manage to get her up for a while for a cuddle but as soon as I mentioned getting her uniform on she just lay back down again!

I continued to tell her that she needed to go to school for a further half and hour but eventually left her at home with her Dad while I went to work.

I emailed her HT who is supportive and said she must be very tired after such a long term and that we should take each day as it comes but that doesnt really help me in terms of getting her in tomorrow.

Now that the lying on the floor strategy has been successful it is likely to be repeated.

I am worried that we might have reached the point of no return

Hope someone has some ideas.

No real advice here either _ DD (HFA 9) reached the 'point of no return' in Jan and I haven't got her into class since . At least your Head is sympathetic - the initial attitude from the Head at DD's school was that it was my job to get her in and the school couldn't help her unless I did so. Whereas actually I couldn't/can't get DD in because she wasn't getting sufficient support in school.

Since Jan we have tried lots of strategies to get DD in - preparing her in advance (then she refuses to go to sleep), writing out the plan for the next day (ditto refusing to sleep), talking through her worries (DD just says everything is 'scary'), giving limited choices (DD won't opt for any of them), 'inducements'/rewards/bribes (DD still refuses) - and we have once 'followed through' a 'being tough' strategy, but once only as the result was DD getting to school in complete meltdown and in no state to be left or to learn. (We only did it because the school were suggesting we weren't being 'forceful' enough - it was awful, but in fact the Head heard -from his office - the state DD was in and came and saw for himself and it does seem to have got the message across that it is not just a matter of us being insistent as parents.) And these strategies are now just to get DD to 'visit' the school or to get her in for the 20 min session she has with a TA 4 days a week in a room away from class.

It is very tricky because I have no doubt that once we 'let' DD not go into school because of her anxiety, she did 'learn' that we wouldn't/couldn't 'make' her go in. So yes I can see your DD opting for the 'lying on the floor' strategy again. DD's strategy is to remain comatose in bed and not respond at all to requests to wake up or get up. Maybe it is because your DD is tired at the end of a long term - on top of her other difficulties. Maybe you should let her finish term now (how much longer has she got?) so then you will be making the decision based on her tiredness and she will not have to employ the 'lying on the floor' strategy - which as you suspect may be the start of the 'slippery slope' towards total school refusal/inability to attend because of anxiety. ('Refusal' is a bit of a loaded word.)

Like Polter no advice but hope you find a solution. Actually, the only two weeks where ds2 went happily into school last year was when his teacher bravely gave him the leading role in his class assembly. Basically, he needed a big incentive to get over his intense hatred of school. He was back to his normal school hating mode once the assembly was finished mind so it needs to be something fairly permanent. He also can be persuaded to do things if he thinks he is 'needed' so giving him a responsibility at school also helps e.g. he has been given the job of topping up the bird feeders in the playground which gives him a calm start to the day. I also freely admit I use a lot of bribery - not ideal but hey who goes to work for nothing?

My ds can be a school refuser. The people I spoke to were:-

1. I phoned the NAS family programme helpline
2. Went to a clinical psychology drop in clinic
3. Spoke to some people at the multi disciplinary clinic

I found NAS to be the most helpful.

Do you think your dd will be more likely to go to school after the school holidays? It is such a difficult thing to deal with. I hope you get some good advice.

I didn't really answer your question about where to go for advice. DD was under CAMHs when the school avoidance started - their advice was to keep getting DD on the premises even if only to borrow a book from the library. Some of the advice was completely unhelpful though - like making DD get up at the same time each day (no matter how late she had got to sleep after worrying the night before). That was unrealistic - it is even harder to attempt to get a tired DD into school.

Also I was told to make being at home as school-like as possible - said in a DD mustn't be comfortable or having fun at home sort of way. Found that unhelpful as it seemed they thought DD should be 'punished' for being anxious _ DD's anxiety is exhausting for her and me and she needed the more relaxed environment of home. There has been a lack of understanding that anxiety is a medical issue - even though the school are authorising her absences as 'illness'.

There even seemed to be a bit of disapproval that I was arranging for DD to meet up with a school friend _ as though that would stop DD 'bothering' to get back to school. To my mind it is really important that DD keeps some social contact going.

Actually pannetone I had stopped usingthe term school refusal in favour of unable to attend school due to needs not being met! But it was a bit long winded for a thread title

I am inclined to agree about letting her finish now except that I need to be at work and DP's shifts are all over the place so I dont actually know what shift he is on this week

I guess I could take the time off but I am a one to one at the moment as well as senco so it has a knock on on other parents if I am off.

It is so hard to make that call isnt it

She already has special jobs one and I did remind her of that this morning, she literally doesnt care, I could offer her the moon on a stick in terms of rewards but she would rather be at home so it just gets rejected. Tbh, bribery just doesnt have any effect because she so doesnt want to go.

I have told her she cant go to a social event this evening that she wanted to go to, I said No school = no trips out in the evening so now she is really cross with me but hey, I can live with that.

Why does it have to be soo damned hard, I have been fighting her not being able to cope at school since she started 6.5 yrs ago and I am really worn out with it

But of course all I ever get from school is "She was fine when she was here" Aaaarrrrrgggggghhhhh!

I also tried the tough approach once, because I felt forced into it by the school. And it ended in complete meltdown. It felt like one of the worst things I had ever done to ds.

Thanks tacal and panne

We are waiting for an appointment with a clinical psych and are seeing the Ed Psych and specialist SALT on Thursday so maybe they will have some ideas.

The mad thing is that she worked most ofthe morning in the touch typing programme and on bite size!! Its not learning she doesnt want to do, its school.

She told me a while ago that she wanted to be HE'd because she can learn more at home and she is probably right but its only what she wants to learn.

All they are doing at school is SATS it must be driving all the kids mad.

I will try to ring the NAS tomorrow.

I know tacal I feel really bad now about not taking her out tonight but I know she will be fine later.

I suppose at least I can say I have tried the tough approach again.

I used to just carry her into school and they used to shut the door until I realised that it was damaging her, I dont actually care what the school think of my parenting style, they dont do my job!!

We don't make being at home distinctly not fun, but unless the day off is adult initiated, we ban screen time, until DS2 is home, making it clear that it's not a weekend. DS1 would actually rather work at home than go to school, a lot of the time.

Thankfully, there is an end in sight of a similarly lengthy battle for us, as he's rapidly disengaging with his old school although we don't have a start date for his new one, yet.

Thanks ouryve, I hope your Ds has a happier time at his new school.

We have just been to Tribunal for refusal to assess so are a long way behind you.

Thanks polter I will have a look at them tomorrow

How are things going this morning?