Upset over concerns raised by school

[Shantishanti]

Dd is in reception. Happy, learning well, loves school. No issues with her behaviour, she's very motivated and we'll behaved.
However she does struggle with the social side of things. It has taken her a while to make friends, but I feel that she's made a lot of progress with this since last term. She does have a few friends now, and plays imaginative and cooperative games with them when she sees them outside school. I think she does play and do activities on her own quite a bit at school though.
She isn't at all bothered by routines, Doesn't have tantrums, points at things, uses facial and verbal expression appropriately etc. She does have a few topics she is interested in, but not obsessively, and dislikes very loud hand dryers but fine with other loud noises. Eats and sleeps well.
She is very bright and has advanced language skills. Her teacher has said that her language goes over the heads of many of the other children and she wants to play games about things the other kids don't understand yet.
I acknowledge that she needs some support to help to build relationships with the children who will have most in common with her, but her teacher is trying to push me to take her to the gp. She has also said things like dd avoids eye contact, which I absolutely disagree with - I've been taking careful note since she mentioned it and I can see see no evidence of it at all. Obviously she's thinking ASD.

I feel angry and upset that dd could be put into a box and labelled, rather than have her very minor quirks accepted as part of who she is, and support given where needed. Why do all children have to be the same? Why is any kind of difference labelled as a disorder?

I should say that dd is exactly how I was as a child - I didn't relate much to other kids - but I am a happy, sociable adult with loads of friends and a job involving a high level of tact, diplomacy and social skills. And I feel sure that dd will be fine with a bit of understanding. I just don't think a label will help.

I think Shanti is getting a bit of a hard time here.

Shanti, your dd is your dd. she will always be that, and be what makes her her, iyswim.

I understand how hard it can be when someone notices something 'different' about your child, and floats the idea that something might be 'wrong'. It isn't wrong, it is part of your dd.

I do think that if preschool are raising concerns (especially in a girl, tbh) then there will e something they are seeing. Whether that something adds up to anything, only time will tell.

But what do you have to lose by taking this further? You can always halt the process, if that is what you want. You can not accept a diagnosis, if that is where it leads. Or you can accept it and not tell anyone, if your dd's needs are beig met.

Worst case scenario: there is nothing To diagnose, and it is a by of a waste if everyone's time.

Or you might find out a little of what preschool are seeing, or a way to help with your dd's social skills.

I think if you did a little reading about ASD, you might find that most of your preconceived ideas are not necessarily true. Which still does not mean that your dd has ASD. no one here can tell that. But the things you observe in her do not mean that she does not.

It may not be autism (that would require language, social and repetitive behaviour problems). It may be a teacher who is over enthusiastic in diagnosing - it does happen.
It could be a gifted child whose social skills are lacking - this is not uncommon
she may as you say improve as an adult when she meets similarly able peers
Or it may be that she does have genuine social difficulties which won't resolve
There is a boy in DS class who is very academically gifted but whose social skills are terrible - he is very rude, manipulative, deliberately gets vulnerable children in trouble and shows no remorse. He boasts all the time, wants to dictate games. His social difficulties were obvious to me at age 5 and have not improved at all at age 10. I'm sure his parents would have been horrified to hear I thought he needed social skills help, but I worry about his future. Who will be friends with him in future? Or how will he get on at work? I think he would have benefitted from having his social difficulties tackled. I'm not suggesting your DD is like this just that not all problems and quirks do resolve.
I would concentrate on having friends home and developing those friendships she is establishing. Check for yourself they are genuinely reciprocal and she is playing co-operatively. Get involved and model good social skills when friends come round e.g. try baking or crafts where you can sit down and join in and she has to co-operate.
Also look at language and check she can use higher language skills as she gets older e.g. inference, irony etc sometimes language problems associated for e.g. with Aspergers only become apparent a bit later.
I would tend to agree though that reception teachers are usually adept at noticing which children are not settling in socially and know there is a broad range so I would not dismiss it as the teacher has raised something she feels is outside normal range. You can always ask to go and observe her in school (you may see a different side to her) or offer to 'help out' with reading etc

The key thing is not (just) a diagnosis, it's the difficulties your dd is having that have been noticed by her teacher.

The most important thing you can do now is act on these. Regardless of whether your dd has a diagnosable condition (especially if you don't want to pursue this route) the fact her teacher has picked up on this means it is clear she needs some help socially.

It's not the 'label' that makes a child, your dd or anyone, the way they are. It's the way they are that makes them the way they are. If she doesn't get invites etc it won't be because of her diagnosis, it will be because of her behaviour (not saying this will necessarily happen btw). The diagnosis isn't relevant to that. She is who she is. Just my opinion, but if her 5yo peers discriminate against her/exclude her they wouldn't do so because of a 'label', they'll do so because she isn't fitting in with them, and honestly, this is what you need to focus on.

If I was you I'd talk to school about what they can do at school to support her socially, friendship circles etc, and do as agnes said and start working on social skills at home.

I agree with NewBlueCoat about OP's preconceived ideas about ASD not being necessarily true. I have to admit I didn't know much about ASD before ds was diagnosed. We have family members with Asperger's so I thought I knew a bit about the subject but I hadn't appreciated the variations in presentation. Ds was nothing like the other members with AS in my family so in my mind he couldn't possibly have ADS. Well, I was wrong.

To be truthful we were not really after a dx, school and his new SALT recommended a referral to the paed and we went along with it as he was struggling so much at school. We wanted, more than anything, to help him.

My biggest regret in life is not pursuing the first referral to the paed the SALT offered us when he was 3.6, we though it was just a speech delay as we were bringing him up as bilingual. Two years later we had our first appointment with the paed and at the first thing she said to us "why hasn't this child been referred earlier?".

In hindsight I wish I would had listened to the nursery when they kept mentioning his eye contact and not making friends. But I thought "he's not affected by routines and he doesn't have any tantrums, he can't possibly have ASD!!!!".The feeling that because of my ignorance I failed my child is possibly the worst I have ever experience.

I think that the first time somebody, whether it be a relative/friend, a health professional or a teacher, tells you that your DC has difficulties, is just awful. I will never forget it.
The teacher has pointed out an area of concern. As other posters have said, your DD won't get a dx if she doesn't meet the dx criteria. I think I would consider what detriment there would be by getting the referral to a developmental paed? If their view is that there no cause for concern, then that's brilliant. If they think otherwise, then you can can consider how you wish to proceed.
I should say that dd is exactly how I was as a child - I didn't relate much to other kids - but I am a happy, sociable adult with loads of friends and a job involving a high level of tact, diplomacy and social skills. And I feel sure that dd will be fine with a bit of understanding. I just don't think a label will help.
Please understand that I am not all saying that your DD has social communication/interaction difficulties; but if you think your DD might have some quirky behaviours, then it might be helpful to read about the condition; maybe Tony Attwood & Temple Grandin. The presentation of girls is different than boys, especially as girls move past the infants years when other DC are more tolerant. I think it must be heart-breaking for quirky girls - if at first, they start to notice that their friends are with-drawing from them, and then they realise in time that they are different than their friends. I think of a couple of girls I knew at school (very bright and intelligent), and I wish I could go back with an understanding of what they were going through.
All the best to your DD and you

I'm really sorry for offending some of you, and thank you for your patience and good advice. I'm worried, unsure, and frankly very confused at the moment.
Some of what her teacher says rings true, some is like she's talking about another child... It's hard to see that there might be a real problem when she is such a joy and so easy to be with at home, and seems to manage perfectly in social settings with family and friends. But I do respect her teacher and recognise that dd finds it hard to play with kids on her class. So there must be something...
I'll think about what you've all saidd carefully before I decide what to do next. Thank you.

Thats good she is doing well with friends at home. I was very shy at school, not at all at home - 2 different people. Better with friends 1:1 and small groups than large groups. Still am! There can be lots of different reasons people find socialising hard. There will be an EP or speech therapist that comes into school from time time so if school are worried they can ask them to observe when they come in.

I don't think you need to worry about given a dx which does not fit. I had to wait four years to get a dx and even then I had to spell it out to get that dx.

Two other kids under the same pead raise major red flags with me but both got discharged as the mums insisted they are just spurted. One I swear has asd and the other ADHD and are both running out of school etc yet got discharged.

My eldest boy is very academically gifted. He has language and the mental age of a much older child so therefore finds friends at school quite hard. That alone gets him socially excluded. I think he has asd traits, as do I. I'm pretty sure it's not enough for a dx. Everyone in school knows and likes him, he's very social able so Ni pint in pursuing a dx as I don't think he'd get it. He could benefit from some socail help!

My younger child has dyspraxia. There is no stigma for him. I am very open with everyone and all the other kids like him, no one recoils when I invite kids for play dates.

So yes it's never nice hearing any negatives about your child. But maybe think about what you are happy to do. Asking if the senco can observe and keep a eye on things? Go and help in class one day and observe her from the sidelines? Talk to the gp and ask if they would refer from the teachers comments? ( tbh I think plenty if people would hit a wall with only one concern - seeing a developmental pead is like obtaining gold dust and you certainly would be waiting months for it).

Can you reach a middle ground where you feel happy? Some where between total dismissal and asking to see the gp?

Unfortunately I know iny sons class children worse off than him go under the radar totally. At some point they will rise to the surface and time will be lost. Even if the school could help you set small goals like sitting her with a new partner to increase social circle or pointing you to a potential friend to invite for tea?

There is no normal in the world, or we would all be the same. You dont need to have asd to be able to benefit from growing social skills.

I think when you post on the SN board you are going to get more responses from people who are in the situation where early concerns either from parent or teacher have resulted in a diagnosis whereas if you posted in a general parenting section you would probably get more responses relating to situations where teachers or others turned out to be over cautious. I know people who have been in both scenarios but I think the important thing is not to ignore even if it turns out to be nothing, despite it being terribly worrying.

I know the feeling of school reporting different things to what You see at home and although I always had concerns about ASD I really didn't recognise some of what the teachers reported which in hindsight was probably anxiety driven. He seemed to me he was anything other than anxious but now at aged 12 I can see how he probably was more than I thought at the time

My dd was very like yours Shanti. Very articulate very gentle and with some skills far above her peers...plus some social issues. She began a new school aged 7 and they wanted to assess. She was just growing out of her fear of handryers and like you I was not keen on a diagnosis. I chose.not to assess and at 9 she is doing very well...has friends and academically able. I do still study her....I will always wonder....and when she is older I will discuss it all with her. I went on instinct when I chose the path we took snd so far it was the right one.

There is an assumption that diagnosis is easy to obtain amongst some sections of the population. It really isn't.

Especially for children with subtle presentations, it can take years. DS's took 5. Diagnosis is done as a multi-disciplinary assessment. You don't just roll up for one appointment and get given upon request like you do a bottle of calpol for a baby's summer chill. There are some developmental disorders that are not diagnosed before 7 anyway, (dyslexia being the one everyone has heard of).

The development of secondary mental health disorders due to lack of the correct support is a very real risk. This is up to and including eating disorders, clinical depression and suicide from their teens onwards. I have a friend who was diagnosed at 34 - she's suffered so much in her life that you betcha her kids are properly supported!