Feel shit and deflated

[HugAndRoll]

Just had a meeting with school teacher, senco and sn health visitor. All very pleasant but ds1 has no problems in school. Seems he's saving it all for us (although he does have poo issues in school as I clear up the aftermath). Maybe we're just bad parents.

It's not that I want him to have issues in school obviously but when he's so "normal" in school and so not "normal" at home it makes me sad and makes me feel like a neurotic parent even though medical staff see what we see

Planting I can't see how a child with ADHD would be able to hold it in at school, the hyperactivity and impulsiveness in particular. Thinking of my DS there's no way he could suppress that level of activity.

Schools miss it, I have no idea how but they do. They were shocked to hear of DS dx of asd and ADHD. Said they see nothing. Except they do................ but they put it down to bad parenting on our part and bad behavior

Planting - I think adhd comes out more at school than ASD due to the inability to suppress impulses.

DS had problems in reception then far fewer in yr 1 as he liked the teacher and she liked him. As the academic demands grew in yr2 and 3 and he had a succession of really unpleasant teachers who obviously didn't like him, his behaviour was more extreme. We still had the explosions at home but he was less able to hold it together at school due to high anxiety and misery. It was written off as immaturity/silliness/attention seeking/him being "horrendous"/appalling/lazy/naughty/bad parenting/behavioural problems. I was over anxious and looking for problems that weren't there apparently. Some days it was fine. Others he spent more time in the SEN room than the classroom.

Then I pushed hard enough to get him assessed and the psychologist who did the school visit noted that he actually was unable to stop behaviours that others could easily curtail, struggled to focus and concentrate and his parental Connors questionnaire showed a 99% chance he had ADHD and the school one a 70% chance.

You need the experts to see him. Not the teachers who like to think they are. ADHD is so often just written off as the kid being "bad" or "stupid". Also remember that in 80% of cases adhd presents with co-morbidities. DS has a range of issues but left to the school he would have been just written off and quickly excluded. If you think there are problems, persevere.

Good luck

An example of the school not seeing where issues lie. We were discussing ds1 in the meeting as per post 1 on this thread and his teacher said he always sits at the edge of the carpet in exactly the same place away from the other children leaning against a screen. She didn't see an issue (and on it's own it's not). His heath visitor pointed out he's:

In a routine of sitting in his spot.
Keeping away from peers.
Needing to lean on the screen as he's not physically strong enough due to his muscle tone to sit cross legged on a carpet for any period of time.

When this was pointed out to his teacher by someone who wasn't me, it was accepted as not typical behaviour.

That is pathetic Hug. Why won't they listen to the parent?

In these parts the child is referred to the comm paed who sends screening questionnaires to both home and school (SNAP for ADHD and CAST for ASD).

In DS1's case, the school ASD questionnaire was negative and he was not referred on for ADOS (had to get a private dx). DS is a classic Jekyll and Hyde. This does not mean that he holds it together at school but that his ASD presents very differently in different contexts. This is not the presence of a person. DS1 would never melt down at school even if I were there. Otoh he will meltdown at home regardless of who is present.

When DS1 was at m/s primary his teachers could not 'see' behaviour that was out of character because they had only ever seen him in one context and assumed that he was very quiet and shy when actually he was practically selectively mute! So in some contexts he can be selectively mute and in others can meltdown but they are both manifestations of ASD. Teachers can see meltdowns - lets face it, they are hard to miss - but they can't see that a child is severely withdrawn. They can see a child become withdrawn but otherwise have no means of comparison.

DS2 was referred up to the neurology clinic as his questionnaires were positive for ADD without hyperactivity at home and school and negative at school for the CAST but positive at home. He is totally different to DS1 and I can't imagine him having a meltdown - especially over some everyday event and that lasted for hours. He was observed at home and at school by a specialist nurse. She reported that he met the criteria for a diagnosis of ADHD but that it would also be 'prudent' to investigate ASD. He then saw the consultant who dismissed ADHD and said that the ADD behaviour witnessed was a consequence of ASD, gave a working dx and referred on for formal ADOS but added that regardless of the score on the day, he would be dx. Consultant sent more questionnaires to the school and told them to fill them in accurately this time.

ime dx was extremely difficult with DS1 - all questionnaires completed by the school were resoundingly negative and all reports said 'no problem here' and were the biggest pain and provided the most ammunition to the LA until tribunal hearing. His behaviour at home is extremely challenging but at school he blended into the wallpaper.

DS2 is a doddle at home in comparison but is considered challenging (in a Ghandi passive resistance sense) at school.

keep we have had the same situation with school and home with DS as your ds1.

All these accounts show just how frustrating the 'process' is. I know it is all about budgets, and I know that some parents can be over anxious about their children, but really, why don't health professionals give more credit to the parents, especially when they obviously have given their situations quite a deal of thought...