6 year old son on school action, problems with winning and losing etc.

[melliamly]

Hi
My son is just about to start year 2 at school and has been on school action since he began school as he has difficulties controlling his emotions when placed in situations where he (or a team that he is on) will win or lose. If he 'loses' he will become very upset with himself, hitting his head, crying etc. Sport and games are a particular issue for him. He has been having some cranial osteopathy recently and it has been suggested that his behaviour might be due in part to the birth that he had (emergency ventouse).
Does anybody have a child with a similar problem? It would be nice to hear from other people to see if I could support him in any other way not yet considered.
Many thanks

My son is a similar ages and has ASD, and this is one (ONE- don't oanic!) of his traits, the winning and losing thing. I would guess this is a more isolated issue from your post, but there are approaches you can try- go on the www.NAS.org.uk website and look up social stories. These work with all kids, regardless of any SN. You might also look at the concept of highly sensitive children, there are threads on this on Mumsnet.

Now we've had this before quite a long time ago so there are DEFINITELY MNers who know about this and can help. I can't remember who though (Dino? CT?) and I don't have any experience I'm afraid. I'll bump for you anyway.

My ds1 is 6 and also just about to go into Yr2. He has similar problems to your ds but as part of his ASD. He likes to either win or dictate who should be where (if you know what I mean). He also has a tendency to get very emotional when things go wrong. Lots of crying.

We're still working on these issues ourselves but the social stories that PeachyClair recommends are good for individual situations, eg sports day, lining up to go somewhere etc. It might also be worth asking if your school does any kind of social skills work with children as a way of teaching him that winning isn't everything.

Stickers that say 'I ws a good sport' to get if good when losing might help? I think they would with Sam. Sama lso does the dictatorial thing too, at school he has his entire year divided into 'tems' of goodies and baddies, he is the Chief, and he tells them how to fight.

Sigh.

hoping to channel his leadership skills more profitable LOL!

Hi Melliamly. Gosh. Reading your post was quite surreal. My ds1 is 6, going into year 2 and was a ventouse delivery. He had cranial osteopathy as a baby as was a very 'tense' baby. At school he has problems controlling his emotions. He cannot lose and he is a prefectionist. He will tear work up if he thinks it is not good enough. Ironically he has a high reading age and his writing is the best in the year, yet he is so hard on himself (which in no way comes from us as we have always told him 'you are only 4/5/6 and you are doing so well, don't worry etc etc etc') In foundation year, his teacher became worried as he started to tug wuite hard at his hair when he was frustrated/upset to the point where he started to get little bald patches. His teachers say he is a highly intelligent boy but his issues with getting to upset and frustrated mean he does not reach or show his full potential in certain areas. I was asked to bring in work he does at home ( he does a lot of writing and detailed plans etc) He seems to find it easier at home to complete his own work which he enjoys. He also has serious issues with what is 'right' and 'fair'. He cant bear for someone (himself or a friend) to get told off for something they have not done to the point where he makes such a statement about it (ie writing his teacher letters detailing what happened and why he got so angry) that he makes more of an issue with it than necissary. I have been wondering for a while if more cranail treatement might help as it really did as a baby and i was informed (and read research on the subject) that the same problems can return after accident or illness and may nee more follow up treatmennt anyway.

try here

We have been working on ds's win/lose problem for about a year now and although it has got slightly better, it is still a major problem for us. Funnily enough Margot, something you said struck a chord - the school have told us that ds has a 'total sense of justice' where he sees things as either 'right' or 'wrong' and he cannot tolerate/understand how a situation where he knows something has happened that is 'wrong' is allowed to happen. Ds is also extremely sensitive and I spent a couple of years convinced he has some sort of special need but no-one (not even dh, though he admits now that he thought it too but didn't want to admit it at the time ggggrrr) agreed with us.

melli - the sort of things we have been doing at home - lots of board games (with his sister and children on playdates) and a total non-acceptance of crying when losing or going mad when winning. Lots of congratulating the winners and commiserating with the losers. Also, he watches a lot of sport and we make sure we point out how people shake hands after a game etc. 5 day ricket is good for this as the winning/losing takes a long time to happen!

I find that if he is tired/over-excited the problem is a lot worse.

not 5 day ricket, 5 day cricket!

Thanks to everyone who has taken the time to post a message, it has been a great help...if only to know that other children have the same problems. His school has been of great help...he is on school action special needs so he will get taken out of class and have one-to-one with a teacher and play games such as snakes and ladders, guess who, also they pair him with others in his class to play games. His school say that they 'manage' the difficulties that he has by sometimes not putting him in a situation which will trigger a reaction - I can understand why they do this but don't think that it will help him in the long run.
We play board games at home and I am quite strict that there is no crying if losing and saying well done if he has lost but I agree with you foxinsocks that he is worse if tired or overexcited. He does have a tendency to be very fidgety, also most to the point of bouncing up and down!
He is exceptionally hard on himself, saying that he is 'rubbish' if he can't do something straight away but someone else recommended karate to me and he loves that and accepts that it is something that he can work on and the more he practises the more he will achieve.
Sorry this is so long... and many thanks for all your help.