Panne, what did CAMHS say when you told them he was self harming and having suicidal thoughts? (in my experience CAMHS will view it as a child trying to express himself in an inappropriate way and wont be too alarmed by it, particularly if he isn't leaving marks)
In my experience they view it as a child trying to avoid something they find anxiety provoking and they are totally against letting a child avoid something totally and will probably continue to advise you to try and get him there on a reduced time. They seem to view it more on what YOU can do and how YOU can handle behaviour, as they are a family service, not an educational service.
Has school had an EP assess, an EP is much better suited to making educational recommendations. When ds was refusing I applied for SA, I also got an indi EP to make educational recommendations. If you feel school is the problem, then an EP is the way to go.
As for your dd, you say a reluctance to go school, how reluctant is reluctant is reluctant?
If I woke ds in the morning and tried to dress him for school, he would be screaming, thrashing about, punching himself, punching and kicking me, throwing himself off the bed, head butting walls, cutting himself with scissors, hitting himself with objects, not sleeping, refusing to eat. He was also seriously self harming in other ways, so he was smothered from head to toe in sores etc, etc. (this kind of behaviour is unheard of from ds, he is usually very compliant and passive)
My 'NT' boys would have days when they didn't want to go to school, claiming headache or feeling sick or my arm hurts etc, etc, without actually showing any real signs of illness or distress.
I am not suggesting there is a 'trumps' in school refusal or that children don't show distress in different ways. Im just saying you have to show professionals, particularly CAMHS, that you know the difference between signs of real distress and a child just trying to 'get one over on you' as this is what you are being accused of.