What should I do next? and other questions. DD's behavior suggests that I need to find her more help but how do I go about it?

[thereisseven]

Please can anyone help? I am at the end of my patience with DD, however after reading through some threads on here I am beginning to see that I need to try and see her differently.

Currently I am home schooling DD (6), I took her out of school as she didn't seem to cope and would have major melt downs in the morning, we would be late and the school were not particularly sympathetic as she would be 'such and angle' when she was in school. The melt downs have improved slightly (she stopped throwing her bedroom upside down) but she is still violent towards me (biting, kicking, hair pulling scratching etc). The worst melt downs would be after school, particularly if she had been told off or had to do something she didn't want to do...I would find this out afterwards once she had calmed down or a few days afterwards.

The violent outburst still carry on if ever she needs to do something that she doesn't want to, or if I can't or won't buy her an item in a shop that she wants, then she will let rip right there in she shop, usually when we are at till and she is realising that I really am not buying her what she wants.

If she is mid outburst there is no calming her down and no consequence matters (...although I reading that punishment is possibly not the way forward?)

I am beginning to feel like a hermit because if DD doesn't want to go somewhere then it feels like she will make my life hell if I try and go, if we do go out she constantly asks for a break down of where we are going and what we are getting, if I dare deviate from the plan then it all goes wrong.

I don't have a clue how statements work, or who you need to speak to to get one, apparently DD could be referred to CAMS or to 'primary mental health', I'm not sure how I would go about that either. DD is on the waiting list for a school and will probably get a place in September I thought it may be better to have made referrals before DD then.

I also am worried about any assessment as DD will be so well behaved when we are out in a formal setting.

If anyone has any advice I would be very grateful as I am at the end of my tether. In the meantime I have found a list of reading from threads. The Explosive Child, The Spoon Theory, The incredible 5 point scale and Kids do well if they can.

Sounds pretty hard going for you.

The first place I would go in your position is the GP and ask for a referral to developmental paediatrician. This is the place you would get any sort of diagnosis (if any).

You can go for statementing without a diagnosis, but it would be harder especially if you don't currently have a school who could/would support you. But there is nothing to stop you applying for statutory assessment yourself (look at IPSEA website for info & model letters). Statements are supposed to be based on need, not diagnosis.

Wrt to the worry about her behaviour during an assessment, start a diary now of all the behaviour she has - detail every meltdown, what triggered it, and all the rigidity you describe (eg not being able to vary plans etc). Video evidence (if you can surrepticiously video her on your phone) would also be really useful. You can show this to GP/paed.

And wrt to helping manage her behaviour right now, I agree that punishments don't often work. But have you tried the other way round - ie rewarding good behaviour? I have successfully used things like token charts or tick charts with my ds, so he earns a tick/token for every single instance of not just 'good' behaviour, but behaviour that he finds particularly difficult. So eg you try making a tiny change to a plan one day and if she goes along with it, she gets a massive reward. Once this has been mastered, you increase the demands on her a tiny bit, still rewarding each time she accepts something new.

How is the awaited-school approaching it? Have you discussed all this with them?

Thank you, we've been doing the reward for 'good behavior', I even set up a chart to record when we had deviated from the plan once, then on the next outing twice...I had to pre warn her what I was doing so I'm not sure that it counts, but it works.

The rewards do work but the don't stop the explosions of behavior which seem to come out of no where (although I am spotting signs, usually hunger and heat).

I haven't discuss this with the school, I will find out for sure whether or not she has a place in April. I was going to approach then about it at that point.

So you don't have a dx? Definitely agree that referral to paed is good idea then. Going out is often very difficult for us too so I sympathise - lots of same behaviour here - your reading list has lots of stuff that has helped us. DD1 has autism and lots of PDA type behaviour, btw.

The thing that helped me the most was the part of the Earlybird course where they said we have to be detectives and think about what triggers the behaviour and what it is trying to communicate. Eg I realised that one of the things my dd's violence is about is panicking and trying to get lots of sensory input to comfort her. So although it is really counter-intuitive when she starts to attack I grab her and play fight with her and do lots of rough tickling, then distract her quickly and try to move her on! I don't mean that will work for you, but that what does work may well not be obvious at all.

Btw I avoid shops with mine as much as possible! Internet shopping is my friend...but if we do go out I use a visual timetable to go through what is going to happen which does help a lot with dd - reduces anxiety.