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SN children

Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on special needs.

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Original poster

Had my first staring experience yesterday..... feel awful

25 replies

SlightlyFamiliarPeachyClair · 01/08/2006 12:02

Had to take ds's to Cwmbran with little notice (bank problems due to WTC mistake- sigh) and knew Sam wouldn't like it as apart from rugby / Camping he's all but (or is?) agoraphobic now. Biy was I right! He lost it- and ds2 copied him, as his current wont, though I understand why, poor thing desperate for attention. I was also trying to cling hold of DS3 who is a running away phase (he's 3)

This woman in her fifties just stared at me the whole time, looking right in my eyes! I felt so uncomfortable. HAd it been just Sam and I she would have been challennged but I had enough on my hands (including that Sam laid me out on floor at one stage and ds2 had to help me up).

Don't quite know why, but felt so violated and judged, it has left a really nasty taste in my mouth and reminded me why I am housebound when DH on shift , which is something I really don't like.

Is this what I have to face for always?

OP posts:

bramblina · 01/08/2006 12:09

These people do not deserve any of your time so much as thinking about them. They are to be pitied. Don't let it get you down, it is so not worth it. Chin up.

Original poster

SlightlyFamiliarPeachyClair · 01/08/2006 12:14

TRhanks.

The thing is Sam really doesn't look SN, as many don't (Sam in fact is particularly handsome), and he was indeed being naughty but for a reason linked to his SN (The agoraphobia). And becasue he doesn't respond tor eason I just felt a useless Mum . DS2 I can mange no problems. But DH and I had a chat after and if this is the future we're not having another baby.
We can't.

Which possibly illustrates how bad we both felt.

OP posts:

heavenis · 01/08/2006 12:14

I think it's horrible when people do this. Make up some insult cards pop them in your hand bag and when they start looking,just say could I give you one of these. That'll wipe the look off their stupid faces.

dinosaur · 01/08/2006 12:16

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

hub2dee · 01/08/2006 12:21

I don't have SN experience, but I know I can get very rude, very quickly in situations like this, when I feel as bad as you sound you did so perhaps a 'he's autistic so perhaps you could either help or f*ck off' would' (very sadly) probably come out of my mouth. I doubt that would be very constructive though. Maybe a more gentle phrase without the swearing would communicate your challenging situation and educate at the same time ?

Sorry to not post something more reasoned but this kind of thing does get my back up.

Original poster

SlightlyFamiliarPeachyClair · 01/08/2006 12:33

CAn I just emphasize that by dopesn't look SN, I mean doesn't look stereotyped SN. Sorry!

What also got me is that I was there with three kids, one hitting me, crouched on the floor with my hands covering my neck (sam foes for necks atm and it scares me) and not on eperson helped bar ds2????? I mean, WTF? makes me in fact.

I think I will have to oder some of those NAS cards, won'tt I? Wouldn't habve helped with this alsy though- she was keeping a good 10 metres away and i couldn't have given her one. I do wish I had fixed her with a look and just said 'can I help you in any way?' but it was so quick.

Going to have to get some sibling suport for ds2 and ds3 I think, it must be hard for them to live with this too. Sam is going away with Muma nd Dad next week so I can give them time (and I recognise how lucky I am that Mum and dad will do this- MIL doesn't want to know 'the freak') but DS2 in particular needs more support,esp. with the violence and DS3 being referred for assessment too. Poor kid.

OP posts:

heavenis · 01/08/2006 13:01

I remember onces ds1 screaming in a shop (we had taken him to have his passport photograph taken) he isn't sn and I only had him then. This woman just stared at him so I said WHAT'S THE MATTER HAVE YOU NEVER SEEN A CHILD CRY BEFORE (and I did shout it) she soon disappeared.
People like this make me so Like to see them in the same situation.

redbull · 01/08/2006 13:11

oh peachyclair my heart goes out to you i find this stuff really hard with ds and hes an only child and you had 3 of them.

what makes it difficult is as you said they look NT so when they have a meltdown society dont think they could have ASD as they look "normal".

we brought the cards from the NAS and i have to say with us they are magic since we had them when ds has had a meltdown no one has stared its as if they know the repacushions if they do!!

Original poster

SlightlyFamiliarPeachyClair · 01/08/2006 13:12

LOL Redbull- Cm gave us a t-shirt her (very similar to Sam) son had grown out of with please be patient, I'm autistic' on it, and lo and behold he was a sweetheart when wearing it and in fact I felt embarassed and expected to be accused of some sick sense of humour!!!!

OP posts:

Misspiggy · 01/08/2006 13:17

People who react like this to children (SN or otherwise) misbehaving are just the worst kind of ignorant,slack jawed, bad mannered arses. Easier said then done, I know, but please don't upset yourself any further over this.

aaronsmummy · 01/08/2006 13:26

I want some of those cards! I would use them all the time, I am always feeling the need to explain ds2 is autistic as I try to peel him off the floor.

Peachy, you are a fantastic Mum. Don't let some ignorant crone take that away from you. And maybe now is not the time to think about having any more but never say never, they all grow and change so quickly that sometime in the future you may feel you would be able to cope with another.

Try to put this episode behind you, I know it's hard but she has no right to judge you at all. Silly woman should have helped you. That's the thing these days people don;t step in and help.

Next time you have a going out emergency try to take someone with you, if you are desperate i'll come - i only live in Manchester lol.

mamadadawahwah · 01/08/2006 13:35

Yes, never mind the "my child is autistic" card. Why should we have to make excuses for our children. The card should actually read " go home and clean your dirty net curtains and if you want a picture, please contact....".

brimfull · 01/08/2006 13:40

Can I ask ,as someone with no expeience of autism or sn. If I was walking by would you be annoyed if I asked if there was anything I could do to help,or do you think that is meddling.
Obviously blatant staring is rude and unhelpful but what would you have liked the lady to do?

tobysmumkent · 01/08/2006 13:44

Message withdrawn

HuwEdwards · 01/08/2006 13:45

First of all, it sounds like you had a vile time of it.

But as someone with no real experience of SN (so feel free to disregard my comments), I would just like to add that I'm not sure I would offer to help out if I'd witnessed that situation; tbh, I don't think I would even know how to help. That woman staring is undeniably rude, but to see a mother knocked on the floor by a child who as you say doesn't look stereotypically SN, well I must admit, although it might cross my mind (thanks to MN) that he had SN, I might also conclude that he was just very badly behaved.

tobysmumkent · 01/08/2006 13:53

Message withdrawn

HuwEdwards · 01/08/2006 13:59

I meant to add at the end of my prev post that I posted because maybe some people aren't judging, but are just embarassed because they're unused to situations like this and don't know what, if anything to do.

(I.e. I was trying to make you feel a bit better peachy)

Olihan · 01/08/2006 14:01

This is the worst aspect of having a child with an asd - I'm assuming that's what he's got? Because they don't look like they have any kind of special needs people jump to the conclusion that your children are naughty and feel they have the right to be all judgmental and disapproving.

DH and I foster a 9 year old with autism and we carry the NAS cards with us all the time. We've never had to use them (yet) but they are handy to have, just in case. Perhaps you could train DS2 to hand them out to disapproving onlookers!

This won't be what you've got to look forward to forever, our foster son has gone through different phases, some a lot worse than others but eventually each one has ended and he's got a bit easier to manage.

emmalou78 · 01/08/2006 16:41

Aww peachy. I feel for you I really do.

Nothings worse the goggle eyed old bids... take a stare activated gun with you next time, and take 'em out

Original poster

SlightlyFamiliarPeachyClair · 01/08/2006 16:49

If I had been offered help standing up I would have been grateful tbh! That would have been enough and I would have been eternally grateful!.

Otherwise I'd like to be ignored- that I canlive with but the staring makes me feel really paranoid.

OP posts:

redbull · 01/08/2006 19:22

it think to be honest ggirl i wouldnt want a stranger to offer any help as this would make the whole meltdown worse, ds freacks even if a stranger so much as looks at him.
so a stranger helping would not be very helpfull, so all i want is for people to think oh this child might have SN i shall leave his mother/father to it, so another words keep out my business sorry if that sounds affending i dont want that to sound that well just not very good with words

Jimjams2 · 01/08/2006 19:31

I now stare back and mouth "don't stare", I find I can coordinate that and dealing with the problem.

I do know how you felt, been there done it got the t-shirt etc. However something strange that has helped- I recently read "daniel isn;t talking". Found the book fairly dreadful tbh (the narrator seemed to think that Daniel turning into a son like mine was a fate worse than death). But it had this passge that I thought was great (and very empowering even though its from a cheesy novel) so will copy: She's talking about her son peeing on the street.

I say, "yeah well other people might not like it"
"other people" he says shaking his head. he has his rolling papers out. He extracts a sheet in a quick movement. He works the tobacco back and forth in his fingers the positions it in the crease and rolls it tenderly, securing the slim log of his cigarette with the fine edge of his tongue. "Other people don't have children with autism" he says. "They are not entitled to an opinion".

foxinsocks · 01/08/2006 19:49

poor you peachy - the whole trip sounds like it was nothing but stress for you

without meaning to generalise horribly, I do think a lot of the older generation have a lot less understanding of children who have special needs but don't look like they do (iyswim) not that it excuses her staring at all.

sphil · 02/08/2006 07:46

BIBIC do some cards as well - they say 'Ain't Misbehaving' with a short explanation of autism underneath. I prefer them to the NAS ones - bit more light hearted.

gothicmama · 02/08/2006 08:03

Just to put another spin on it (altho I wasn't there and don't know the lady) perhaps she was looking for a signal from you for her to help or to know how to help, people are strange with parents often, not just SN I was berated once dor buying my child fruit and not sweets, but it must be harder for you cards sound like a good idea, although my experience of using cards when taking austic kids out is that it can make matters worse particularuly in small communities where it then becomes harder for peopel to look beyond the disability. JJ Ilike your quote

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