Explosive child - how should I have handled this?

[Lolaismyfavouriteandmybest]

Dd (7) wanted to read (for school). It was close to bedtime but not too close so I said ok. She chose a book, I said ok, she asked if she could start the chapter off and for me to take over when she'd had enough (she!s a good reader but has a short attention span at home) I said OK.

She started talking about a challenge they have to read 20 book by 20 authors. We had a misunderstanding where I said she had to read the whole book for that challenge, and she thought I meant tonight. She managed not to explode and I managed not to shout at her for throwing the book and flapping. I acknowledged that she had been frustrated and praised her for trying to stay in control. We snuggled up with the book. She read 3 words, struggled with a name and hit me. I said I needed to go away for 5 mins or I would lose my temper). She exploded. I exploded.

This is a common trigger. She says she wants to read, I say ok, she says she doesn't want to read, I say ok (but that is the wrong answer). I empathise with her wanting to have read so she gets a tick on her school bookmark but not actually wanting to read at that point, She agrees that is how she feels. I ask her what she wants to do. She explodes. I have tried moving the time we read but the conversation goes the same.... She loves reading to herself.

I've been trying for about a month now to do plan b, I know I'm not perfect at keeping my temper and that doesn't help things. But since we've stopped the reward chart standards have slipped and I'm getting hit kicked and in once instance stabbed with a (very blunt) knife. I am effectively a single parent with an absent and unsupportive dh who does 0% childcare. But I can't leave her with my parents as she is exploding so much they don't want her for more than an hour or so. I'm on a shorter fuse than I would like but I am trying to be patient. (I'm also in chronic pain and under pressure at work)

Her behaviour is making her unhappy too, but she can't seem to make a change. Every day seems worse then the last and I'm sad to say my heart is hardening to her :-( I'm contemplating asking my GP for ADs as every explosion pushes me that little bit further under.

It sounds incredibly frustrating.
I've read the book just yesterday for the second time, and still struggling to use the techniques with my 11 year old, so I "get" what you are dealing with.

What I noticed was the way you praised dd for keeping control. Is that such a good idea? Perhaps she is beginning to think of herself as this creature which needs to be under pressure all the time. I would praise her for sounding out those words and for choosing a good book. She possibly doesn't want to even hear your voice, if she is like my son, who hates interruptions !!!

The challenge seems to be creating an external pressure too. Is it worth bending the rules for her and making the 20 book challenge 20 books she reads to herself without you listening to her read?

Asking her what she wanted to do is too overwhelming - so now you have a child who is anxious because she doesn't know what the solution to her problem is. She doesn't know how to solve the problem of the unread book and the tick on the bookmark. This is yet another pressure being put upon her, rather than an" invitation"

I would be discussing the book and the book challenge when she isn't about to read it, ie: in a neutral setting. I would make the discussion about how you get the tick, and what she thinks would be a good way to get a tick,( after all that is what she wants at this stage) Maybe she will say she doesn't want to read much of the book aloud because it is too hard, and you can say that is fair enough, and then you could ask her whether she would like to read less, and count the words or sentences and stop there. Maybe put it down in writing even and pin it up next to her bed, for her to see what the (minimal) plan is. That would be reassuring.

Then when you start to read, you already know what the plan is.

It also sounds like she is waiting for you to correct her (even if you are not) because she is anxious about her reading because of the fear of failing to get the tick, and that is why she explodes. She is waiting for things to go wrong, to be told off for not keeping control, and there is an inevitability about the whole situation that makes her more and more anxious and uneasy.

I am very interested in CBT (collaborative problem solving) and the way it removes the need for rewards or punishments. In our house ds2 has briefly responded to rewards and punishments (sticker charts, merits at school that sort of thing) but over the years it is mutually agreed systems and relationships with people that work the best. He gets dressed and comes downstairs when asked not because he gets a reward for it or a punishment for not doing it, but just because it is what we do . So in a way a lot of the time we use it anyway before we even heard of Plan B. It is just with the tricky stuff we aren't used to articulating Plan B to our children. We think the trickier the problem the more we need to lay down the law, whereas it is the other way round.

Good luck, I am feeling my way with this one on Ds2 and homework explosions and learning a lot in the process about his acute sensitivity to being interrupted or corrected or feeling inadequate. He gets there in the end, and he is always surprised how much easier it was than he thought and that feeds through to the next session. Still a long way to go though. I feel I need to reduce the demands on him, rather than try and get him used to demands.

What Polter said. Hugs and and and please pick your battles and look after yourself

Is it possible to encourage her reading time when she's a bit less tired? If she insists that she likes to read at bedtime, then set aside easier books for her to read by herself then.

Part of plan B would be to work out with her a new way of approaching your reading sessions and identifying a plan of action for when she becomes frustrated. Perhaps rehearse a word or phrase that she can say when she's feeling frustrated and needs to take a break - with you promising to help her to close the book and move onto something else when she says it.

Sawn, you are exactly right that me asking her to problem solve is another pressure. And thinking about it it's not plan b as I don't give a rubber duck if she reads or not! It's her bringing the concern that she needs to read to get the rewards at school, and her bringing the concern that she doesn't want to read at that point, all I am is an innocent bystander really..... I haven't got a hope of any kind of plan have I (apart from duck and cover)

We have the same issue with homework. I don't make her do it (I may suggest times when she has time and isn't tired, but those suggestions are never received well) she is 100% perfect at school so feels she has to be the first one to complete things like reading challenges, but at home she always struggles to focus and has a very short fuse so she can't make as much progress as some of the other kids. I've spoken to school and they have told her she doesn't have to do these things, but seeing the kids who do it praised is enough to make her put pressure on herself.

And the reward charts weren't stopping the explosions, but she did keep her room tidier and do her practices as it acted as a reminder. She has asked for a timetable for each day so she knows what she has to do, but u know from experience that if I go down this road she will not want to deviate from the timetable and that will cause issues.

On a brighter note, We tried a timer next to the tv today (her biggest trigger is moving from watching tv to another activity) that sort of worked in that she turned the tv off (mid program) without complaint as soon as the timer went off. (The activity she chose to do next wasn't frustration free, but it was better than it has been)

We have "What to do when your temper flares", and she has read it with me and to herself many times. But apart from creating an obsession with knotting bits of string (that she played with all the time apart from when she exploded....) it hasn't really helped. She insists that it's my/dh/friend/cat/toy's fault that she loses her temper and refuses to accept any responsibility for it.

Thanks for words of support and and (unfortunately I've had to cut out both in real life for medical reasons, along with chocolate, which is another reason I'm tetchy) (and set off my asthma) So far today I've eaten 6 bags of crisps. I don't even really like crisps but it's all I can think of to comfort eat with!

Swan, sorry.

Your concern in this, is that she is getting upset. That is what you bring to the table. Her concern is the reading. So you have already achieved something because, you now know you don't care about the reading and want to defuse that pressure. That is a good start.

I think timetables can be very simple - just a few fixed points in the day, to be quite helpful. It can be fun to have a very elaborate timetable but as you say, unless you are actually in an institution, no-one would want to live their entire day by a timetable with every little thing scheduled and fear of disruption if something changed.

The FT we saw through CAMHS mentioned it is a good idea to talk children through any event before it happens, but also remind them of the "loophole" factor. Something might happen to change the event or plan, something unforeseen, and it is reassuring for them to imagine that the world won't end if plans do change. So you might say, we will be doing x y and z, unless something happens which makes this impossible (rain, car breaks down, train cancelled, sickness, DIY disaster, lost item - obviously not all at once in detail!)) You remind the child and reassure them that something things go wrong but it is "factored" in. You offer an alternative plan if things don't go according to plan.

We find ourselves doing that a lot with both our sons. Ds1 might get very upset if he hasn't brought home an essential bit of homework and is worried he will get into trouble. So I might suggest that there is an alternative, he could go in early, he could accept that it is better to get detention than to worry, he could take a note asking for an extra day to do the work. Ds2 would completely explode, so we have to work even harder at presenting viable alternatives, and reminding him that the whatever hasn't gone according to plan, there is a way to try and salvage the situation. Also acknowledging how difficult it is for him to have this change of plan.

Actually reading all that back, I think the best thing is to be completely organised mackintosh squares, and avoid changing any plans!!!!!