Inviting SN child to birthday treat

[Redcliff]

Hi
I hope this is the right place to post. A boy in my sons class has SN - he had a full time TA and communication and boundaries issues. He is lovely and once told his mum that my DS was his best friend. I asked my DS about inviting this boy to his birthday treat (a film and a pizza) and he was keen. I spoke to the boys mummy today and she says he would love to come and he really likes the cinema. Should I ask her if she would like to come as well? There will be at lest 3 adults already and max 6 children so I am sure we will be fine but not sure if that might be tricky for him as he doesn't know us very well. Am I over thinking this? I am worried that if I invite her she will fell like she has to come and as she has two other lids it could be tricky. He and DS are 7. Any advice would be great.

'Should I ask her if she would like to come as well?'

Not exactly. I would tell her about the ratio of adults to children and give her an idea of the plans and ask her whether she thinks it would be helpful for her to come along too or for any part of it (i.e. the cinema bit might be find but afterwards might be tricky, or just before, or if you are going to eat in a noisy place it might be better for him to be picked up then, depending on the needs).

So she is invited but kind of on her terms and not expected iyswim.

Its the right place to post btw.

And though I think it is our children's right to be included and invited etc. and our rights as parents not to have to be overwhelmingly grateful, I'd still like to say thanks for considering this child, because a lot of our society just doesn't.

I would just conversationally mention the ratio that you are thinking of and just say you wanted to check if that would be ok, and if there was anything you specifically need to be aware of. If the ratio doesn't work for her DS then she will say so and you can invite her along but I would think that as she didn't say when you invited him that she'd need to be there that it will probably be ok.

I also second the thought that it is nice you have invited him. The easy thing in these situations is sometimes not to and many people don't, so don't worry about getting any of it 'wrong', you got it all right already just by doing the inviting :)

I'd just say to her she's welcome to come along too if she wants to. No pressure either way. I'm sure she wouldn't let him go on his own if she had any worries about it. If she doesn't come, might be worth just checking with her beforehand if there is anything you need to be aware of to make sure he's happy. Also might be useful to give her a breakdown of the whole day, just in case she wants to talk her ds through it beforehand (obv I'm making an assumption, but he may find it useful to know the agenda in advance as dc with some conditions may get anxious about the unknown).

Yes, it is considerate of you to ask about it here. Hope they all have a good time.

DS is at special school so at parties the majority of the children have sn. Some parents will stay and some not, depending on the child's ability to cope. I have a cod who needs a fair amount of support so I would certainly offer to stay. (And I would not expect the hosts to pay for me!)

Two of my eldest boys mates have sn. One I was told about when I picked him up for day out at a busy park. The other I have always know about. One has apergus (sp?) the other has autism. Neither has ever been more responsibility than a nt kid. It's just a useful thing to know so you don't unwitting put them out of comfort zone. Not sure what this child's needs are, but unless the mum says needs to be there it sounds like he will be ok?

I do think its nice you posted here and asked the question. I'm still suspicious that some mums think sn is some thing to be scared of

Hi Redcliff, i always over-think parties! I have DS (NT) who will be 7 soon and will be having a few friends for a party. So yes, if I knew one of his class-mates had SN, I would want their parent to know that they would be most welcome to stay, if that's what they wanted to do. But I think the fact that you have spoken to your DS's friend's mum today about the arrangements, and she has said that he likes the cinema, and hasn't asked to come along herself, makes me that she thinks he will cope ok(even if she might be sitting outside in the car-park all the time)
My DD has SN, and started school in September. I cannot tell you how happy I am that she has been invited to parties. I hope your DS has a brilliant birthday

My DS2 was invited to a party and I was more worried about how he would cope than the hosting mum. I approached her beforehand and asked her if it would be ok for me to stay with him. I'm sure the boy's mum would have talked to you about it if she thought he might not cope. It was a good job I did stay really as he started screaming when we got in there and refused to move so we had to drop off the present and make a swift exit.

I would ask the mum if she feels her DS would be happier with her there.

DGS has has 3 party invites since September despite having quite severe cerebral palsy and DD has needed to go because he gets very overwhelmed in unfamiliar situations, as well as the physical stuff.

Thank you for all your lovely replies and advice - I am so glad I posted. I remeber reading a thread ages ago about some SN children never getting invited to parties and when my son was bemoaning about his lack of friends at school and I reminded him about X he was "oh yeah - I like him" and I was really happy.

I will tell his mum what we are doing and say I am more than happy for her to pick him up at x time or she can join us for all or some of it and leave it up to her. I did say about her dropping him off at our house (a couple of the kids that are coming live in our street so I was going to pick them up on the way to the bus) but she said she would rather meet us at the cinema as he gets a bit excited on buses which is fine so I guess she is already thinking ahead.