How and when did you tell your child they had autism

[Percypickles]

Hi, my son is 9. Up until now he has never noticed he is different or indeed been aware of his autism. We don't keep it some big secret and talk about it quite openly as a family, but he has never noted this or picked up on it. I really didn't want to make a big thing of it, or let it define him - he is just one of our sons and special for that and no other reason.

However, we have had big tears this weekend because he wants to know why he has an adult in class and he isn't like the other children who are allowed to work on their own! He is in an ASD unit as part of a MS school, so spends approx 75% of his time in MS class with a LSA, 25% in resource doing OT, Salt and social things! By the way he would not be able to even step in a MS class without the fantastic support he has from the ASD unit team.

I'm really at a lost as how to explain, I can only liken it to children asking where babies come from - how much do I tell him - don't want to overload him but at the same time don't want to keep him in the dark if he is beginning to notice that he is different.

Any advice ladies and gents of mumsnet?

TBH I'd take the same approach as with the where do babies come from question, and give the basic information in a simple a way as possible and then answer questions.

I told DS at around 7 on the advice of the paed. When she did her assessment she asked him if he felt different to other children and he said yes, so he was aware of it.

I went along the lines of how his ASD had the biggest impact on him, for him it was his anxieties, so when we were talking about them one day, I said that his brain was different to a lot of peoples which is why he felt the way he did and this was autism. Then answered questions as they cropped up.

Thanks, that was kind of where I was thinking of going with it, just don't want to do him a disservice or cause more upset for him. I think answering questions as they arise is a really good way to go. Thanks again, really helpful.

DD1 has known she has SN since her sisters (20 months and 3.4 years younger) could ask about it. She has an undiagnosed genetic condition which has affected the way her brain has developed, physically, which leads to all her difficulties.

We kept it simple, just telling her that she was born with a poorly brain, and that some things are trickier for her than for other people, but that there are also some things she's much better at (super friendly girl!).

As they've grown up we've had to tackle their questions/perceptions. One day, she asked me why she couldn't jump. I just told her that we don't know why, and that some people learn to jump early, some people learn to jump later, and some people never learn to jump. We told her that we didn't know which one she'd be yet.

Bit by bit.

DD2 (6.0) is just going through assessment. She occasionally asks questions about how things are for her. It's a fine balance when you don't know what's going on, too.

Topical for me! I did this couple of weeks ago. DS is nearly 7 and has 1:1 in mainstream. I read a lot of online forum discussions on this topic and settled on the most positive spin I could.

I told him he has superpowers, specifically a super powered brain.

His brain is different to most people's, it works faster and remembers lots of detailed information and sometimes he has to wait for us to catch up. I asked him to please remember people like us, have ordinary brains, and we sometimes take a bit longer to understand what he means - so please be patient with us.

I told him having a brain which worked like his was called autism, and (importantly) there are lots of other people who have autism too (such as his uncle who he adores - which is handy!)

I did say that sometimes the things that ordinary brained people said or did were probably a bit confusing to someone with a super brain. That is why he has Mrs X (1:1) because his brain works in a different way to most of the children in his class, so sometimes she needs to explain things that people with ordinary brains find easy to understand.

He is very noise sensitive and wears ear defenders at certain times. I told him that was part of his super brain - it hears the noises louder than ordinary brains do and it hurts him, where ordinary brained people don't get hurt by loud noises.

This weekend we watched together the CBBC documentary on Autism called Autism and me.

His response to all of my efforts??

"oh. right."

Link to CBBC Autism and me:
www.bbc.co.uk/newsround/15655232

I should add that he has a very low self esteem which is why I described it this way.

Ds is 9, about a year ago he had an eye assessment in school (he has an eye disorder too which he didn't know about) The woman gave ds a leaflet and it was all about visual impairments etc.

Anyhow, ds asked me what was 'wrong' with his eyes (I didn't know she was going into school). So I told him he had an eye disorder, he asked me why I had never told him about it. He also asked me outright if he had anything else I hadn't told him about. So I had to tell him about autism.

He was fine knowing about it, the only thing he got upset about was that I hadn't told him before then.

When ds says he feels embarrassed about receiving help, I just tell him all children need some help in one way or another. I have also asked school to be as discrete as possible.

It's interesting. DD2 says to me 'I'm weird, aren't I Mum?' and I always say 'No, you're not weird'.

In her more serious moments, she sometimes says that she feels different. That she's not like the other girls.

There really isn't much I can say right now, because I don't know if she's got a condition that would explain that. I only have my instincts. The nearest I've got is to say 'well we're trying to find out if you need some help. If you need some help and you get it, you might find life easier.'

Anniemousse I think he would love that description.

Thank you everyone for the advice. We had more tears tonight about it before he went to bed so I don't think I can put it off any longer, he deserves to know why he might feel different.

He was diagnosed at 3 years and as we have a large family (4 siblings - all older) I don't think he has noticed - we all treat him as him iyswim! So I think it is good that he is more aware - he didn't use to notice if we were even in the house with him.

Anyway great advice, knew mumsnet was the place to come! Thank you.

My three have different shades of autism and general understanding.
DS who is now 16, I told him he had super powers called awesome autism.
It means that he can do lots of things that other young people can't do.
We looked up people who have autism, he particularly liked Steven Wiltshire.
My DDs are twins aged 19, they find things more difficult are very Obsessive and driven by their autism. They know they also have awesome autism that helps them remember dates etc, they could win mastermind, on the life and works of Cbloodybeebies.

I think DD2 is embracing her weirdness, tbh! Today's joke:

Actually...I can't repeat it because I can't use her voice and when I write it down it sounds quite obscene but actually, it was just weird, from a 6 year old

Ds hasn't embraced his at all. He says he hates autism and wishes he didn't have it

He was fine when I first told him and actually quite excited about it, a year later that has worn off.

Well DD2 hates the fact that she finds it hard to make friends and worries about stuff. But she finds herself quite hilarious

Toad is 11 (12 in March) and I don't think he has any idea.

I'd say he is mid/moderate range. Somewhat verbal (mostly echolalia) and basic skills such as can dress himself and feed himself.
He is prefers routine but isn't ruled by it and is VERY literal.
He doesn't ask if/why he is different, why he doesn't go to local school etc.

He lives in his own world.

Personal, that is pretty much where we have been in the past - it is the first time he has mentioned anything about being different to his classmates, up until about 6 months ago you were lucky if he could tell you anything about school - in fact it is one of his latest targets!

I'm not sure where DS is on the scale, he is getting more able to interact with others and as I say he now notices more of what is going on around him, but he is still very much in his own world - plays with his imaginary friends that live in his head (they sound fun from all the chatter we here, but woe betide you if you try to join in ) I'm not sure why he is suddenly so concerned by his 1:1, but he is really struggling with school at the moment, so could be a combination of things - he can't understand why he can't play all day.

Thanks again everyone, it is so good to talk to others who go through similar things and get some sound advice.

*hear not here. My only excuse is tiredness. Sure there are other mistakes too

I've been telling Ds for the last 3 years. I don't think it has ever registered as anything he should care about, but then he has spent the last 2 years being the 'early adopter' looked up to by his equally autistic classmates who worship his monologues on minecraft and fractals.