I'm at the point of putting ds in care... What else can i do?

[Shellywelly1973]

Ds is almost 9. Dx of ASD & ADHD. Special school since 7. Medicated, counselling, reflexology, Yoga, OT, SALT, 1-1 in a 5 class setting. 6 hrs a week respite from SS... Your getting the picture!

But, I can't cope anymore. Dp & I have split up. He hasn't seen any of the dc since he left 3 weeks before Christmas. My mil died last September. She was a great support to me & helped out with dc. My sister who was also a great help & used to live 2 roads away now lives the other end of the country.

My younger Ds5 is now struggling at school so we're waiting on an appointment at the local CDC. He's on reduced hours.

I'm 39 weeks pregnant.

I've lived for my ds- done everything in my power to get him what he needs but it's at my other dc cost. dd1, ds 5 & new baby. I have 2 grown up dc from my first marriage.

I'm exhausted. He's horrendous at the moment. I know its awful but I'm questioning myself. can I justify putting him first all the time? Am I even the best person to be looking after him? I hit him yesterday... I feel shit about it but I know it's all going to get worse when the baby arrives. It was actually the thought of not bringing the baby home that made me realise I seriously need to consider all my dc needs especially in the long term...

I don't know what I'm asking for...advice, hope , strength??

You poor thing. Your situation sounds extremely hard. There is an awful lot in your post to unpick too.

Forgetting your older ds for the moment, your younger ds should not be on reduced hours. If he were given enough and appropriate support in school full-time would that go some way to help?

You need to contact IPSEA about this asap.

Now, your older ds. You'll have to call IPSEA about this too. Does he have a statement? Presumably yes if he is in a special school!? Is there a way to extend his hours there i.e. after school clubs, breakfast clubs?

What exactly do you mean by 'care'? Do you mean a residential school placement? If so, this can be a positive move rather than 'giving up' kind of action. You get to visit and chose the school that best meets his needs and have him home either weekends or holidays or sometimes just for 'some' of the holidays.

You must be a breaking point, I feel for you. I had a mum tell me once she wanted her son taken into foster care and I no she had exhausted all options.

If people see you doing a amazing job they presume you cope just fine. I told ds senco that if ds was allowed to continue his path and in years time started kicking off at school I would say ' I have done all I could - it's your problem now' she said I would never do that, but she doesn't feel my despair.

I would tell people honestly how you feel - I don't know who as I have met a string of paper pushing idiots in this sen world. Health visitor, outreach, respite?

Spell it out and believe it can get better. You can't do this alone, and you shouldn't have too.

You sound like a excellent mum. But no one can be superwoman 24/7.

Shelly welly I remember another thread of yours .i really feel for you would it be possible for your son to enter some sort of very temporary foster care while the baby is tiny ? I wish you all the best

Not surprised you're finding it so difficult at the moment. Have you updated your social worker with the changes in circumstances. They might be able to put extra support in or give you help to obtain a residential placement for your oldest. I think I would have gone mad if it wasn't for dh so really feel for you having to deal with it all on your own and pregnant as well.

Think about residential placements- there are some fantastic ones out there. That's not giving up like star said. It can be a really positive experience for everyone involved.
If you need help to start the ball rolling on this, pm me.

Does your sons sp sch have a family support team? They may be able to advise as well

We don't have a social worker. We used too but she actually did nothing, not one thing!

Ds school is an independent school. No breakfast club or after school clubs. They ran 1 week of a summer camp. £100 for 20 hours. I had to drop & pick up so an hour of driving but it gave me 4 hours a day with the other dc.

Both of the boys CAF forms should be completed if I don't have the baby first! Younger ds CAF was started last July. I managed to get the Consultant at Camhs to refer ds to the CDC as I was being driven demented by the bloody nit pickin school!

I don't know what I mean by 'care'. Anything really! A break, rest, a bit of time when my head doesn't hurt with the pressure!

I'm self employed. I'm going to the Job centre tomorrow as I know i can't keep going. Something has to give. I've organised this to see if I can claim benefits due to my circumstances...I'm deeply ashamed & honest to god, never thought I would end up like this...

Thanks for your replies & support. x

Goodness, you've got a lot going on.

I may be coming in from the wrong end, but thinking from your DS's point of view, he has ASD and ADHD, and recently he's got to contend with:

-His Grandmother dying just 4 months ago
-His Auntie relocating many miles away
-His father leaving the family home
-Christmas and all its upheaval/change of routine
-Christmas without his father
-His younger brother having increased care needs due to his struggles
-His Mum being heavily pregnant and seeing the changes that brings
-His Mum being about to have a baby.

That is a massive amount for him to cope with, and I'm wondering if that is (combined) contributing to his behaviour?

I wonder if he could have some sort of art/music/ELSA therapy work, to help him work through how he may be feeling, even if only in a limited way.

How is the respite currently organised? Is it possible to get this increased?

I do think that you should ask for increased support for when the baby is born, even if you have a mix of in the home support and respite. You may cause more trouble than you solve if you remove your DS for large amounts of time just as the baby arrives, but I'm obviously not sure how well your DS would be able to link events, so he may be oblivious?

ShelleyWelly I too have seen you on other threads. You have a massive amount on your plate. Apart from a virtual hug from me can I suggest you ask your midwife to refer you to social services and voluntary orgs in your area? Or your HV if you have a good one? Or both?

Ah zzzzz! You've made me cry!

The CAF forms are to apply for more respite for older ds & change to Direct Payments.

Resources for Autism are an amazing charity I've dealt with previously. I will give them a call as they do a great volunteers scheme.

lougle Your absolutely right. Both the boys have coped with an awful lot these last few months. Ds8 has been affected by me being pregnant, as I'm like his companion at swimming, bike riding, skating etc. Also the change in the house is hard for him. He can't stand me cleaning or moving stuff. He attends Drama therapy at school.

He misses his Nan but not his dad. Exdp couldn't cope with him. The therapist is great with him. I will email him tomorrow.

Ds5 is deeply affected by his Nanny dying & Dad not being here.

Just writing stuff down is helping clear my head...
Thanks :-)

You can do it, Shelly, we all have our tough days

Sounds like an incredibly difficult time for you. It's amazing that you've managed to cope this far- I'm sure I couldn't do it. zzzz is right should be proud of yourself for doing such a phenomenally good job for your dc. You do need to get support now, I know it isn't easy to get it but it is time that you put your mental health first for the sake of all your dc and others step up to the mark.
To save time I would write an email describing your circumstances and send it to every body that you can think of. If it is in writing I think it makes services more accountable than a phone call and I know you can spend ages talking to someone for them to say they will get back to you and then you never hear from them again. If you don't get a pretty immediate response then you can email the head of the service or maybe copy them in from the start. Good luck.

I am at rubbish at advice, just want say your doing an amazing job with everything you have going on

Homestart charity may be able to provide some help with young children but you def need a new SS assessment and many more hours of proper respite.

You're ashamed? Good grief! Let me point something out to you:

'We don't have a social worker. We used too but she actually did nothing, not one thing!'

Now answer who it is you think ought to be ashamed!

zzzzz Can I come. I can grow my hair. I'd be tiny from a diet of exotic salads and cocktails and for some reason my lady garden will just never grow out of my bikini bottoms!

Homestart will probably be able to get stuff in place sooner that SS to help a little at home when the new baby comes as they are independent.

caudwell childrens charity and the family fund may also be able to help pay for therapies quicker than the LA for the older kids - worth a look? Caudwell in particular do respond to phone requests and may be able to come up with something that will help.

Tell the school you'll be dropping off at 9 and picking up at the end of the school day and never in between as at 39 weeks pregnant to ask you to arrange anything else is insane. It's their job and they need to do it.

Write to the head of SS and ask them to complete their pxy caf within 7 days as extra respite needs to be in place BEFORE the new baby arrives. Copy the letter to your local opposition councillor. Contact a family are worth ringing as they too seem to know how to handle SS.

Any reason your exDP cannot have the eldest for a couple of months? He'll be asked if he's willing to care anyway before your child is put into care - SS will want to know why he can't pull his weight before paying out for specialist foster care at £2-3K per week. His timing on leaving you sucks and he deserves to be held to account.

I bloody LOVE Homestart!

They got me out of a scrape once. They BELIEVE you. You can absolutely trust them.

Oh, and they also eat your homemade biscuits even if they're burnt and fell on the floor you haven't vacuumed for a month.

Ask your midwife to refer you to safeguarding for hitting your ds. And tell her about your fear that you will have to abandon the newborn baby in hospital to keep it safe. She probably won't want to, but push her a bit to talk to her child protection lead midwife, and they'll get cracking.

Much faster than CAF. Waiting round for one of them is a bit of a joke given you're about to pop any day now. Oh yes, and agree with the email thing. Also has the advantage that you can communicate at 4am and not have to wait for callbacks that come at the worst possible time

Do you have anyone useful on standby to look after the kids?

when you're in labour? what if you end up with a caesarian? or if the baby needs a few days in special care?

If you have no-one reliable for your eldest ds1 in an emergency, then a link-foster placement might be useful. Only the others to sort out then

And when self-employed you can still get maternity allowance for 39 weeks, you've paid for it in your national insurance. Only £137/ week but can be topped up with child tax credits etc.

You can 'work' 10 days during your maternity period without losing it, and there's nothing to stop you doing 23 hours on those ten days

Are you getting disability living allowance for the boys? not means tested.