DD being assessed for ADD/ADHD - how do I explain it to her?

[judogonzales]

Hi,

Would any of you have any advice: DD (10) is being assessed at a children's centre for possible ADD/ADHD, first appointment is in three weeks' time.

DD knows nothing about this yet, and we are not really sure how to approach and explain it - I want her to co-operate and not hate it. She struggles to fit in, and rejects anything that could suggest that she is different from others (although she did tell me last week that she thinks she has anger management issues!).

We had a terrible series of visits to the enuresis nurse last year, and I want to avoid a replay of that.

I would really appreciate some tips about how you explained things to your DCs.

Thanks!!

Thanks for your suggestions, PolterGoose. I like the sound of the book, and that could be a good way into it with DD. Funny about dogs and ADHD - I remember DH and me watching the film 'Marley and me' a few years ago and both of us immediately saying that the dog Marley was exactly like our DD!

I have done something like the 'you know how you sometimes say that you find X hard, etc,' talk with her, but she just says to me things like, are saying there is something wrong with me? So I say, no, you are fine, but we could find ways of making X or Y easier for you. And then she says, but I am fine as I am, the teacher says I am doing well. And then she is off talking about other stuff.

Not easy. And I guess I am not helping her as I myself feel very ambivalent about taking her for assessment, although I know it is for the best.

Poltergoose, thanks, you have a good point about them seeing her as she is. I have never been able to bribe her very successfully anyway, so no worries there.

I saw the cats book when I ordered the dogs one - looked really interesting too.

Today has not been a good day, with her completely hyper all morning, and ending with hysterical floods of tears for hours this afternoon. DH is upstairs with her now, trying to get her to bed. Younger DS meanwhile hardly gets any attention :-(. Maybe filming her today would have been interesting.

School suggested the assessment, she is on Action Plus + because she struggles so much with the work, but they are not particularly concerned about her behaviour (which they say is more or less OK), they have highlighted all sorts of other issues: she can't work independently, very inconsistent performance, rarely finishes work, seems 'blank' at times, talks during class, regularly tips her chair so it falls over (that one sort of amuses me), is always getting up to sharpen pencils or get paper, that sort of thing.

I was assessed and diagnosed with add when I was about your daughter's age (some 25 years ago). I don't know what the testing is like that they do now but I do remember people constantly saying "its not because you're not smart" but I don't really remember anyone telling me why they were doing the testing. I was quite cooperative and probably never asked but I also never believed them when they said I was smart - something about all the extra work they made me do had me convinced otherwise. I guess maybe it would have helped if people had been more straightforward? I do remember being terribly resentful about all the extra work/homework so if I end up needing to go down that road with my dds I'm going to monitor the extra work closely - assuming they're treating add now vaguely similarly to how they did back then.

Judon I didn't tell my son the 'label' ifswim, we just talked about what he found tricky in school and said we were going to get someone to help him with those issues. He was only 7 when diagnosed, so he didn't ask too many questions .. but as he's got older (almost 11), we still talk about the symptoms, with a very brief mention of ADHD itself as a label. The last thing I want is for him to google ADHD … jeeze, there's some serious crap written about it on-line. He had a very unhelpful teacher sit him down when he was 8 and tell him he had "a disorder" which frightened the life out of him and he thought he was going to die from it. As he gets older, I drip feed information about ADHD in a way he can understand without it coming across as a negative. You will be surprised at how aware your child is with her own issues, so there's no point in trying to fool them nothing is happening. Keep it simple, relaxed and positive. The assessment will be child friendly. Good luck!

Clever, Madame, thanks so much for taking the time to answer, it is great to hear from people who went through the process themselves or whose children did. Madame, I know what you mean - I get the feeling that DD is very aware of her issues.

I have started wondering though - both my brother and uncle pretty much flunked school completely even though they are both pretty smart, and both were a bit wild, but then they did well once they had found jobs they liked and worked their way up that way, even though I don't know how my brother would manage without his mega-organised and fantastically patient girlfriend. My mother says that DD is quite like my brother in some ways.

Clever - I really hope any diagnosis will not involve extra work - it is already an enormous struggle to get her to focus and complete the few little bits of homework she gets. That is if she remembers to bring them home...

When we were going through the assessment we told DS that we were going to see some people as things were tricky and sometimes he found it difficult being still and quiet and we wanted to find out how we could help him. I said I shouted too much, daddy was cross and we all argued a lot and these people would help us all be happier. We had to have 6 sessions with a family therapist before he would be assessed. He was only 7 though so his awareness was less and I think it would be harder to assess him now. He also wasn't denying he struggled which made it easier.

We actually told DS soon after he was diagnosed. He was aware he was different and very troubled by it. He had written himself off as stupid and naughty and it killed me. We didn't know how to approach it though and were going to leave it until he was older. We had bought the dogs adhd book (he was diagnosed at just 8 and loves dogs so it helped) and one evening he was sad and saying what is wrong with me? Why am I so stupid? Why can't I sit still? I asked him if he wanted to know and he said yes so I got the books and read through it with him. Accepting his difference has taken time. The year was hard and he still sometimes feels it is unfair and he wishes he was his friends but he is in a much better place.

We had an amazing talk recently. There is another kid, X, in his class with different but obvious SN. He is struggling. His parents are in denial and refuse to assess. DS said from nowhere "if you were his mum he would be diagnosed by now wouldn't he?" I made a non-committal noise and he went on "all the other kids are the same but you can tell me and X are different. It is obvious" I said how do you feel about being diagnosed? He said "if I hadn't been I would just think I was stupid and naughty but I know I'm not, I'm clever and a good boy". It was such a marvellous moment because he has such low self-esteem from being told off daily for so long and now he has support and is much more understood.

We talk "up" ADHD and how his differences can be positive and that this is a tough time for him because sometimes school goes against everything his brain and body wants to do. I don't think there is any point in trying to pretend he is not different in some ways. He is acutely aware that he is but we try to put a positive spin on them. DH probably has ADD so that knowledge has helped DS too.

Good luck. I hope things work out well for you all.

Fab boys, you sound lovely and so does your DS. We went for our first meeting, slightly earlier than planned as an appointment became available. I tried so hard to explain to her why we were going, but she said, oh, is it because of being crazy? .

The paediatrician really was extremely kind and patient and was very nice with her, and is going to send out forms to us and school, in addition to assessing for ADHD he wants to assess for possible Aspergers as he thinks that while the hyperactive traits are clear, he also thinks that she is either totally oblivious to social boundaries and norms or totally unable to conform to them, and he thinks Aspergers could be the cause.

I am actually quite shocked by this - I had not thought of Aspergers or autism as possibilities.

I am still reeling a bit from all of this and feel a bit weepy today. She was sort of funny in her own mad way at the appointment, and I just feel really proud of her in so many ways and how she copes with her life.

She refused to take off her hoody, jacket or rucksack, or to sit down, so she sort of stood there in the middle of the room, pulled her big furry hood over her head so you could hardly see her. After a few minutes she went up to the paediatrician’s desk picked up a rubber band and went back to the middle of the room and started absent-mindedly fiddling with it, until it suddenly broke and went flying and got caught on the side of the paediatrician’s glasses.

Question: Do you like school? Answer: Why, did you? Question: Do you have friends? Answer: LOADS!! Question: What are your friends’ names? Answer: There are too many, I can’t tell you. Did you have loads of friends? Why is your clock ticking so loudly, doesn’t it bother you? My brother’s clock ticks at night, it really bothers me and keeps me awake. I am often really naughty, and sometimes my mum tells me off, but she is sort of right about it, but in fact, did you know, it is a really good thing I am naughty and always say NO when somebody tells me to do something because it means I will not put up with any nonsense in my life, that is what mum told me… You do have nice handwriting (peering over his shoulder now), how did you learn to write so fast – what are you writing about me there? Have we finished now?

So now we have to wait for the forms or questionnaires to arrive, and then we will be going to the next appointment in about a month's time.

Thanks so much to you here - I really feel out of my depth with a lot of this and it helps so much to read of other people's experiences.

Hi, a quick update: DD was two weeks ago given a diagnosis of ADHD (with signs of all three characteristics, inattention, hyperactivity and impulsiveness), along with autistic traits. School were not surprised, it seems her teachers and the SENCO assumed this would be the outcome. In fact, the lovely SENCO was actually apologetic as she thinks school let DD slip through the net for too long.

We have been offered medication, and we have pretty much decided to try that path to see if it could help DD. DD told me a few weeks ago, before the diagnosis and out of the blue, that there was a boy in her class who took tablets because he was too energetic, and it helped him with that and daydreaming and fiddling, and would it help her too if she took something like that, so I get the feeling that she is understanding more about a lot of this than we assume, and talking to her friends about it. Which I guess it a good thing.

Thanks all of you for your advice and kind words when I first posted - it has not been an easy few months for us, but I think that we are feeling a bit more positive about the future now.

Good luck to all of you.

Glad things are moving forward for you and your Dd.

Be kind to yourselves and good luck

Thanks, PolterGoose and Ineedmore - I think things are moving ahead too. DD is as lovely and mad as ever, just so completely exhausting for the rest of us. I think this diagnosis will actually really help her and the rest of us (including her brother, who I often think gets a very raw deal in our household).

I hope things are going well with you and your DC.