"Mum, will I ever be able to stop hurting my sisters?"

[lougle]

Said DD2, tonight. She'd obviously be thinking about it a lot, because she started crying. Ironically, she hadn't hurt them tonight.

I said 'well, we're trying to see if you need any help, and if you do need some and you get it, then you might not feel like you need to hurt them any more.'

Was that the right thing to say? I was a bit thrown by the whole thing. I didn't really appreciate that she probably doesn't like hurting them either.

We have 'thinking step' now, rather than 'naughty'. It might be a bit too PC but I decided that I didn't want my kids thinking they were naughty. I wanted them to think they were good with the occasional slip-up they needed to think about.

I find it helps with positive reinforcement and self-esteem to talk about levels and quantities of 'goodness' rather than 'naughty' which always seems like a struggle to get back from.

Also, when dd or Ds ARE naughty, we have a discussion about it and then sometimes 'practise' doing the right thing so they can earn their 'good' title back quickly. So if they aren't listening or don't do things when asked we can practise and I'll over then next 10 minutes make requests of them praising heavily iyswim.

Not suggesting this is how you should do anything btw. Just sharing what seems to be working in order to reduce Ds' anxiety about 'getting it wrong'.

It's an interesting perspective. I tell my children that they aren't naughty, they just sometimes do naughty things. I'm quite comfortable with that, I think, as a concept.

I do lots of practicing too. It's hard to practice not doing something though

I'll mull that over

Aww Lougle, I get similar from ds 'will I ever be able to stop hurting myself' (referring to the self injury he causes)

I remind him of the times when he was successful ie at Christmas you didn't have any cuts.

Refer him to the list on his bedroom wall ie 'things to do instead of scratching' then it contains a list of things to do instead ie stress ball, head massager, write down what is bothering him, look at pokemon cards, read a book etc. (all of which are next to his bed)

So basically telling him he can do it, he can get it 'right' and give him examples of when he did manage to stop. Then give him things to do instead of repeating the behaviour.

Not sure if I am doing the right thing either, im just doing what makes sense to me! Sounds like you handled it well

That's just it. We can only share ideas and that is SO valuable.

Perhaps sometimes it is also okay to just say, 'well you can't drive a car, make toast, zip up your zip' because you need to learn and practice but you WILL be able to.

lougle have you worked through any of the Dawn Huebner "what to do" books with her? The "what to do when your temper flares" is relevant to impulsive negative reactions, whether in the form of lashing out physically or screaming/shouting/ meltdowns etc. We've worked through it once with ds and probably need to do so again, and it's slow progress but has definitely given us something to work with.

One of the key themes is that it's not the thing that has happened which is making you cross, it's how you choose to react to it. As ds' reactions as often so impulsive, he's often done them already before having the self control to stop and think, however I'm thinking that the more we can get the "you have a choice how to react" message in to him while he's calm and receptive, the more chance he has of being able to access it when he's in the heat of the moment.

One of the reasons I think he likes the message in the book is that it talks about you being "in control", which appeals to him as most of his anxiety seems to centre around a need to be in control!

She's on my list, Jackster