Hfa and refusing school again!

[Skylar123]

What is the best thing to do when a child refuses school. He is not being bullied. He has one main friend and 2 other boys he really likes, most of the time. He hates the pressure of learning he says learning is too hard, he is not enjoying playtimes anymore which has been off and on throughout sch life but actually got better and now seems to be a problem again keeps saying he wants to have lunch at home, he was told off in the dinner que a few times recently, so maybe a contributing factor. He has refused sch 8 times since nov, everyday he shows resistance in going but does get in the car and go although he would rather not he does it. Sch have started him on an earlier start programme whereby he comes in earlier before other kids since end of December before Xmas break up which he seemed to like as he gets to use computer but has recently started to refuse to go again. He is expressing worries in all areas, classroom learning and playtimes.although he can't tell me why, just that it's hard and he can't do it. Sch are on board and want to help. They say ds is doing ok, he struggles a little but is coping. Ds has never liked sch since nursery and even at daycare as a baby he was inconsolable when I left. He constantly asks me about when is school time, has even woke me in the night to ask me if school is in the morning and at home after sch he often tells me he has had a really bad day. The last day of term in December was heartbreaking he was destroyed when he got home, the last day of term was a fun day for most pupils but for Ds it took its toll greatly. What can I suggest to help him , what can I ask the senco to do - any ideas? Thx

That's hard. It sounds like it's anxiety that does it. Poltergoose has done some brilliant stuff with anxiety - I bet she'll have some ideas.

Thanks for your replies I am going to read them through properly when I can get the chance. Ds is still home, we went to the school he had a complete breakdown in the car park ran off down the road I gave up. He did say which surprised me was that he can't have lunch at school today he said the lunch hall is too loud. We made a deal that he comes home for lunch and goes to school for the afternoon fingers crossed it works

It's very sad
Ds finally into school I got him through the door then he refused to move TA and friend came to meet him he ran out the door towards the car then After a gentle steer back towards the entrance and a big cuddle and a see you very soon I left him with TA . I feel awful.i feel more awful for Ds.
He is 7 and gets a good amount of support at school with 1:6 support in some subjects, autsim advisory service, play therapy, OT referral made, timetable to class do he can see what's next. Sorry to hear about your troubles with school Polter, it doesn't seem as if you are asking for too much. Why do you think your Ds doesn't fit to apply for SA? I'm trying to establish if mine does or not.

The only criteria for a Statement Skylar is need of one. Nothing else applies.

I think your son is in dire need of having a Statement put in place.

I will hold hands too, we have started the process of applying for a statutory assessment but have been turned down so are heading for tribunal.

Dd3 has struggled with school anxiety ever since she started school and has nearly always said she doesnt want to go but like polters Ds school has always been part of her routine. So generally I can get her in but I agree it is horrible when everyday they cry and say they hate it and want to stay at home.

The dinner hall issue is a common anxiety point with all the noise and smells of different foods. At Dd3's old school the dinner ladies used a whistle to control the children in the dining hall!! It was all too much for Dd3 and she rarely ate there.

She has got more tolerant of some school stuff as she has got older and less of other things. I do worry about how she is just so resigned to it all though.

Definitely get your parental request in now while your Ds is still young.

Good luck

I struggle with understanding how I prove he needs one.
polter are you going to apply? Hand holding sounds good
I will have to pay for help with the process otherwise i won't stand a cat in hells chance of winning. Ds sch are trying to support him although it's not working.
Good luck ineedmore

Thanks attila and lougle

That's great news polter I have to bite the bullet too. I don't even knew what to write in my first letter that's how crap I am. Good luck

I could have written your post, my ds (Y2) is going through exactly this, for the first time in his life. Am at a loss to know what to do, he has lots of support at school (has a statement). Going to go through all the advice and suggestions in detail. Anyway, no help, sorry, but wanted to say you're not alone

It's such a hard one, Skylar, since school is so distressing when needs are not being met. I took the attitude with DS1 that I would allow him the stress day off, but it would be a boring day, on a timetable, with no truly fun interactions or screen time during school hours, plus work to do. He has a strong aversion to homework, so if he's willing to do the work I set, then he needs the day off. The last full refusal we had was over 18 months ago and we actually got to the bottom of why every single Monday for the previous couple of months had been such a struggle and battle, that day.

We've had plenty of days since then when he's had to be persuaded to go in. Firstly, we need to get his brother in, so there's no avoiding getting dressed and going for the walk, but I also remind him how boring the day would be at home for him. I even got him in after a major meltdown, yesterday morning.

I may yet withdraw him, as school is horrible for him, at the moment, but on my terms, not his.

Thanks bialy it is very worrying, it's the not knowing how to be able to help that is the worse thing. .

Skylar123 - know how you feel I posted recently about this problem with my dd1 age 14. at the moment she's not been to school since Christmas and I have finally got some support through ccd/autism team. Like some of the others I had been letting her stay home on fun days or activity days the change in routine too much for her to cope.
Before Christmas she was having one day a week home just refusing to go and now she just says she's given it a try and isn't going anymore.

Like poltergoose said about getting a timetable may help and I have been told one idea is to go through timetable with child, if they are able to do so and they can colour each part of day/lesson a different colour according to whether it is Good or bad etc to try and pinpoint a particular problem area and then you can try to discuss what it is about that particular lesson that makes it good/bad.

You mentioned school being supportive, do they have any other ideas to encourage your ds. At our primary school children are given jobs like collecting register, taking dinner money, they usually do this in pairs and some have Ta's with them for support so would this be something your ds could do with a friend. These are important jobs and the kids enjoy the responsibility of it. My dd3 had the job of collecting afternoon register for a while this made her feel important without the worry of being late as she would never have been on time to collect the morning one! Had a problem for a long time with her as she never wanted to go to school and would refuse to get ready most mornings.