Please read.

[HoneyCupcakes]

I am at the end of the line with my 7oy I don’t know what to do, I am just hoping that someone else here is going through the same situation with their son/daughter

My DS has been diagnosed with OCD and ADHD he attends a specialist school for children with behavioural problems, I don’t believe that he has any behavioural problems he is just behaving the way he does because he can.

Today when I went to collect him I was held back by his teacher for her to tell me that him and a few other boys in his class have been bullying a boy so badly that he doesn’t want to attend school anymore, I am disgusted but it is no shock to me, when I asked him why he had been bullying the child in question, he looked at me like I was crazy and as if he didn’t know what I was speaking about, every time he does something wrong that is what he does, he will act like he doesn’t know what I am talking about and carry on as if he hasn’t done anything wrong.

He is just making my whole life a misery, I don't like going out during the day whilst he is at school, because I can’t go far incase I get a phone call from his school telling me to come and collect him, just before he broke up for the Christmas holiday he attacked one of his teaching assistants with a pair of scissors it wasn’t too serious but she did need medical attention, and in the past he has pulled out knifes on me, and he frequently does and does try to attack me, I also have a 2 year old from my current partner, he has never ever been violent towards him or tried to hurt him but he has injured my partner many of times.

I don’t even like taking him out in public, it always resorts to him running away or hiding, me having to buy him something to keep him quiet, if I don’t it will just resort into him sulking or embarrassing me. This has been going on for too long I have tried everything but nothing seems to work, it feels like I am going through a nervous break down due to him and it is not fair on my 2 year old as I can't take him out during the day. There is so much more that I want to write but it is just going to anger me more.

[nennypops]

Op, has social services done a core assessment? If not, I suggest you ask for one. The purpose is to identify social services that ds might need, and it might result in you getting some respite care.

[HoneyCupcakes]

NennyPops, Social services are not involved and there is no reason for them to be as my child in not in danger. I also don't want them involved nor do I want any respite care.

[claw2]

Not sure if its been mentioned as the thread is quiet long now. Your ds obviously has behavioural problems from what you describe, however even children with behavioural problems can do things for attention and to get a reaction.

That's not to say he doesn't have behavioural problems which are not intended to be for attention.

As hard as it is, have you tried not giving him a reaction?

[HoneyCupcakes]

Claw2 When he punches me I rarely react, it's only when he goes in the kitchen for sharp objects I will react. There are many things he does on a daily basis which I ignore such as when he goes through my handbag or when he has done certain things at school. He not so long ago come downstairs asking for water I poured him a glass he wanted the whole bottle I didn't react to that I let him take it upstairs with him. I have no more energy to waste on him

[popgoestheweezel]

You've had some good advice here. Can I add something I said on another thread just recently. When you're really struggling it can be very useful to lower your expectations for a while. Don't even begin to challenge your ds. Work out the fewest rules you need to function eg. No hurting people, no damaging things, basic self care and a good diet. For a while at least, don't expect anything else. Then, try and spend some uninterrupted one on one time with your ds, especially play that you allow him to direct entirely. Let him choose what he wants to do. It's great if you can go out of the house so you can't be distracted by household chores or other people, getting out in nature works really well for my ds. Make it a regular thing. Also, maybe your partner could do the same. If you can't manage that at first just try ten mins a day joining ds in play, letting him direct it entirely, eg if playing with cars you make brrruming noises and move your car around but let him tell you where to drive iyswim.
Another good technique is at bedtime sitting quietly with him and listing all the good and all the not bad things he did that day. Eg. You and your brother played nicely this morning, I know you got a bit cross with him and shouted/threw things but you didn't hurt him so you did really well to control yourself there. Be very specific and describe what he did that was good. Try to use descriptive praise throughout the day.
Another technique I have used really successfully at bedtime is hypnosis. Bear with me cos I know this sounds a bit woo but it has been very effective. I have a couple of books 'stress busting for children' which just has one story in it (a different version for boys and girls) and Harry the hypnopotomous which has a lot of stories to address various difficulties but does cost about £30- well worth the money though. If you pm me your email address I can send you a story I wrote for my ds based on the stress busting one so you can try it out.

[ouryve]

We divide and conquer, too. Both boys are challenging, so, if we're doing a food shop, DH always takes DS2 and dS1 comes with either of us. DS1 was bubbling up, this morning, so I insisted he came with me, keeping him apart form his brother and from DH who he'd been locking horns with, for a bit.

Maybe your DP could take charge of your 2yo, for a while, leaving you with hands and wits free to work with your DS on having a successful shopping trip. Have an action plan of things you both need to do, that you can tick off. You'll probably need to contrive the list to start with. He'll have no truck with mum needing shoes or wanting to brows around somewhere for an indeterminate length of time, but might tolerate mum needing to pick up some ingredients to bake a cake, or choose some birthday cards. or whatever. Try to build a reward for when you get home into the trip.

[HoneyCupcakes]

RightRoyalPain, I just want him to behave and stop his aggressive behaviour. Today has been another disaster, he keeps saying he wants to see his dad which is completely out of the question. PopGoes I am going to dm you my email address now.

[claw2]

Honey, it seems what you have written that school don't handle it too well. I think children with behavioural problems, need clear boundaries and expectations too. I know its easier said than done and its often trying to find a balance.

I think you need to have clear rules and stick to what you say. I also don't think its necessarily about ignoring what he does totally. If my ds punched me in the face, I wouldn't ignore it. I wouldn't give it a big fuss reaction, just deal with it very matter of fact.

[HoneyCupcakes]

Hi, things are now at a stage where I do want to get social services involved I do need help. I received a phone call from the school today just after 10.30 to tell me that he had attacked one of the teaching assistants. I went to get him, the whole duration of the journey home he told me how much he hates me, I'm evil, I'm going to hell, that he is going to kill me when we get home. I just ignored it all. The minute we got through the door he started punching and kicking me, my partner held him until he calmed down. It is good thing that I went into his room to check on him because he was trying to climb through his window, I am sitting here distraught thinking what would have happened if he fell. How do I approach social services.

[MariaNotChristmas]

Hiya. You just ring them, say it's an emergency as you can't keep your child safe and school can't keep him safe either so keep sending him home.

Usually you want the 'duty' social worker for children and families. Keep telling them about the danger. You 'sound' like you don't like or want him any more, but I think that's not true, it's just the extreme stress of constantly dealing with a very distressed and disruptive child who is permanently angry and frequently doing their level best to hurt you.

If he was at a school where his needs were properly met, if the ADHD was medicated, if his additional problems of inflexibility and rage were being dealt with, if you had some time off looking after him and a bit of normal life for yourself...what would happen? I think even if he hadn't shown much improvement at the beginning, the world would start to look very different and your coping skills would start to come back.

And apply for DLA. Just knowing that the government think it's a proper disability they should assist financially with is useful. It helps to firmly fix something in your own head that is not the stereotypes "am I parenting right/ what a terrible child" crp going round and round. It lets you put on your rhino-hide skin and give a really hard-are stare back to anyone who so much as gives you a dirty look when you're shopping.

Plus if things are like this day and night you'll probably get a blue badge which might make parking easy enough to risk going out again sometimes.

[MariaNotChristmas]

DS acts 'adult'. The teachers all say so. he parrots back what he's seen on TV, or what grown-ups say. Usually in the right context and they are completely fooled. But his emotional age is 'really less than his little sister

[ouryve]

Agreed, Maria - DS1 is a stroppy teen, all wrapped up in an irrational toddler, in a 10 year old body.

[HoneyCupcakes]

Thanks, I will give them a call in the morning. Will they come out to me? there is just the fear that they might want to remove him from my care, the mind set I am in today I wouldn't say no to it. I know this is me talking like this because I am angry, there has been another incident he come downstairs DS2 was playing on the floor DS1 has kicked him in the face, my partner has taken him to a&e just to be on the safe side. I have removed the televison, sky box and the games consoles from DS1 bedroom as punishment, he banged his own head against the wall in anger he has never done this before, he seemed okay afterwards he didn't cry, but I am now worried incase the injury leads to something serious. DS1 has never hit DS2 before I don't know why it is starting now and me and my partner exchanged a few bad words before he left, I don't appreciate him telling me DS1 is out of control and then ask me how long am I going to allow this to go on for.

[OneInEight]

We recently had support from SS under similar circumstances. There was never any question of taking the children away so be reassured about that. They came to the house. In our area they have a short-reponse team who do an initial report and then if they decide you need help they move you onto more permanent support.

In terms of help they have arranged a buddy for both ds1 and ds2 to give us and them respite from each other. They are also trying to put pressure on the LA to move ds2 to a more appropriate school. They also have put in referrals for a home visit by an autism outreach support worker to give us advice on how to manage the behaviours at home.

[mummytime]

If they took him out of your care do you think they could cope with him? School can't.
They would have to find very experienced and very well trained foster carers. They struggle to find enough even for emergency/respite care.

You and your DP are both under stress, and need to try to be kind to yourselves and each other. You need help, I hope you get it.

If your son starts telling you you are evil, threatens to kill you, or threatens to kill himself - you need to take him immediately to A and E for a psychiatric assessment. Sometimes that is the best way to get real help.

Good luck!

[HoneyCupcakes]

MummyTime he only misbehaves with me and at school he is fine with friends and family. He regulary tells me that I'm evil and he is going to kill me, and says he wants to die. He also draws some disturbing pictures (he is a very good drawer) e.g he has drawn pictures of me covered in blood, pictures of my partner with his head cut off. He had a fixation with horror movies, he finds the movie "mama" hilarious, this all stemed from when he used to spend time with his father, he used to come home with horror movies, he is no longer in contact with his dad, people have asked me do I think his behaviour is like this because he wants to see his dad, it isn't because he has been like this for years.

[HoneyCupcakes]

Zzzzz you are right I do need help and I'm not getting any from anywhere, Psychiatrist made the diagnosis and I'm not getting any support from them

[popgoestheweezel]

Zzzz is right information is your best form of support right now because you can get it immediately without waiting for anyone. There is tonnes of stuff available online, I like additude it's an American magazine but there's a lot of content.
Also, I would second stopping the horror movies, for a start it's not going to look great to social services and I don't know how it could possibly help him. My ds cannot be allowed to play even the most innocent of computer games as he gets completely obsessed so maybe say a permenant goodbye to the game boy/sky/tv in his room. Perhaps these could be things he enjoyed playing with you or dp as a reward for reasonable/not bad behaviour?

[mummytime]

I would go back to your GP and complain and request a CAHMS referral if nothing else. They may be not so good in your area, but his behaviour is not "normal". You need to start screaming for help.

Unfortunately the lack of resources means that people often don't get help until they reach breaking point. If you shout you might get noticed.

I would also go for reducing TV etc.

If he is only so "bad" at school and home, that could mean those are the places he feels safest/most comfortable.

[claw2]

kidshealth.org/parent/emotions/behavior/OCD.html some information about OCD. One of the first things it says is that 'its not something they can stop by just trying harder'. It also says 'Children may have a difficult time explaining a reason for their rituals and say they do them "just because", which is something you describe your ds does.

Might be worth a read.

[HoneyCupcakes]

I have called social services they are going to get someone out to me tomorrow, I haven't sent DS to school today not too sure if I am even going to send him back but I don't want to keep him at home either. I can't even look at him this morning, I haven't had any I caught him in the middle of the night trying to leave the house through the front door, which resorted in him busting my lip, I am going to stay positive and hope that social services will help us.