need LOTS of advice for my friend going through a bad time a bit long sorry

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my friend has2 ds, ds1(5)is ASD ds2(3 1/2) un diagnosed still, her husband suffers from mental health problems and doesnt work and she doesnt work either they own their house still paying it off. my friend i will call E and she suffers from depression and has 2 major problems on her hands.

1)since the children were born they have had problems with their neighbour she seems mentaly unstable she will sit in her garden and shout abuse over the fence calling E children little shits, saying its bad parenting, she souts that she can hear them in the house, this is now really wearing E down, when ds1 got diagnosis she put a letter through the door explaing why their is so much noise but this neighbour is very ignorant, E is even thinking of moving but dont know how they could as they are both not working.

I had an idea of maybe sound proofing the house? does anyone know how this is done? who would E contact about it? would it be for free?

2)ds2 is undiagnosed his problems are
sensory issues,play with him self constantley so much he causes him self to have blisters and sores down their, he claws the inside of his mouth out and makes it bleed, has allways got to be touching E poking her in her eye,isnt very good at socialising,no emphany and cant carry out simple tasks. the nursery he goes to has a SN teacher and she has told E thats its her parenting skills she has brought up ds2 as if he is ASD he has been discharged from speach therapy (talks very well),been discharged from SN teacher at local familt and child centre as told they dont need her as ds2 got SN teacher at school, he was seeing (excuse the spelling)a phyciologist but E stopped taking him as she hated the way they were their ie: ds2 was playing with a horse their and tried to poke his finger up the horses bum and they were asking him why he wanted to do it how did it make him feel so E couldnt take him anymore. he is under a doctor on a 12month review they are due to go in 10 months, but in the mean time where does she go to?? at nursery its all being blamed on her and she has no other out side help, i cant work it out as how can they diagnose him with out him being monitered by anyone?? he has had assesments done on him but they all come back undesisive. advice PLEASE thankyou

Can sh eget referred to different psychologist? and is the Dr a Pead? can she call up and get an early appointment and explain things there?

I know I've seen stuff you can use for soundproofing soemwhere on teh net,not sure where, but it was then stuff you put up beneath plasterboard.. and under flooring upstairs as well.. quite pricey, but might be worth aproaching the family fund?

And as for teh nusciance neighbour - they should complain the womans being openly abusive to kids. Get either the council or the police involved..

not sure that was very helpful.

thanks emmalou, my friend E is a very sensitive person and doesnt like confrontation so their is no way she would get the police or anyone else involved.

her ds2 the doctor im talking about is the pead.

Re the neighbour: E really needs to report the woman. It's a stressful thing to do but IME it's much less stressful than living with the abuse from day to day. The local community police officer is probably the best person to speak to. Ours was a godsend.

What about contacting the Early Years Inclusion team - or whater their new name is? (Strategic something-or-other?) Does she have a portage worker? They should be able to put her in touch with the Area SENCO. Would E consider moving ds2 to a different pre-school?

The poking/touching sounds like a sensory problem. Has E been put in touch with an OT?

What about contacting the NAS for advice? Her local support group may be able to advise her on local provision/strategies. She could probably contact the branch officer/secretary by phone if E can't get to a meeting or can't face one.

hi coppertop thankyou for replying can you tell me what a portage worker is please?? she doesnt want to move ds2 to another nursery school as she has recently moved him to this one as they have a SN teacher their (allthough she sounds as good as a chocolate fire guard) im not to sure about the OT will check with E.

i just cant get my hat off as to they are blaming E for ds2 problems obviously when you see what his problems are it isnt down to E

Me and ds live with my mum now, but previously lived in a teeeneee terraced house with a neighbour from hell. I called him Redface for obvious reasons (he drank too much in the evening but sometimes worked during the day). He was really abusive to me (shouting over garden fence) including telling me I was a crap mum (that really crushed me). Even though I explained about ds's difficulties he continued to be awful and in the end I had a mini breakdown and lost my home.

When life is pretty difficult anyway the last thing you need is someone making it harder still. I was totally intimidated by this man and stopped using my garden ( I LOVE gardening). I really would go with what coppertop and others have said and urge your friend to get the police involved. IMO It's not alright for her to have to endure this on top of everything else.

thanks springgreens, E is now scared to go in her garden with this woman

A portage worker is someone who visits you at home. They offer help, advice and strategies on how to deal with any problems you may be having with your child. How often they visit will depend on your individual needs. Ds2's portage worker generally visits every 2 weeks or so but others may visit once a week or even just once a month if that's what you prefer.

Ds2's worker is fantastic. Things she's done to help include:

• bringing specific toys/games to help develop particular skills or to use as a distraction, eg a throwing game to distract ds2 from throwing heavy objects at the windows and TV screen.

• Finding out information about local groups and events, eg getting ds1 and ds2's name down for the local holiday playscheme, and letting me know about local courses and meetings.

• Speaking to the CDC staff on our behalf to see if they have ideas about how to solve problems that she personally doesn't know what to do about. Vey useful as it saves me having to phone 3 different people to see if they have a 'take on the problem.

• Attending meetings with us as a means of support and also as someone who can give a professional opinion on how ds2 is at home. Very useful if you have a child who is a nightmare at home but looks like a little cherub at appointments and assessments.

It's also a great relief to have someone to talk to IRL who knows both you and your child. Ds2's worker is so lovely that if ds2 has a meeting on her day off she will try her hardest to still attend.

You can usually find their details by looking at your local council's website or just googling "portage" and the name of your town/city.

I think people tend to blame the parents because it's an easy get-out clause. "Your child only eats dry bread? Oh well that must be because you weaned them too early/weaned them too late/don't eat with them at mealtimes/don't offer them other food/let them manipulate you." Far easier than looking into issues like sensory disorders, obsessive routines etc.

A family in our street were an absolute nightmare. The mother was really nice but the children were generally out of control. We had all kinds of things thrown at our windows and had a window broken. On one particular day I was on the phone to a friend who is also a police officer. I could hardly hear her because so many objects were thudding off our front porch. She told me to put the phone down and call 999. The police were great. The community officer knew all the children involved (some were friends of the main family) and went round to speak to all of them and their parents. The advice was to phone the police after every single incident and get a crime number. That way there is also an official log of the behaviour. The trouble stopped.

The ironic thing is that several months later the family's house caught fire and it was actually dh who called 999 and then helped to get the children out of the house.

thanks coppertop im going to print this out to show E, thankyou for all your advice