Advice needed - how can I be a better parent?

[towicymru]

I have a DS (5) who is suspected ADHD. We are still pushing for an assessment & have finally been referred to CAHMS (although no idea when we might be seen).

The majority of the time I can cope with DS. He is the lovliest little boy - bright funny, affectionate (no bias here!) and when he is hyper I can usually manage. There are times (like this morning) when it all gets too much and I end up shouting at him. I know he can't help it. I know he is not ignoring me to be naughty but sometimes it all gets too much and I lose it with him.

This morning on the way to school I kept asking him not to run, not to slide on the ice and explained it was dangerous. Despite falling & hurting himself, he gets up and runs off slips on some ice and almost fell into the (busy) road. I lost it. I screamed at him and shouted. DS carried on. I wanted to kill him. I then get an overwhelming feeling of guilt because I don't want to be the kind of mother who just screams at her kids. I don't want him to be scared of me. I know he can't help it which just makes me feel even worse when I calm down.

I have asked for help & support and so far got nothing. GP referred us to CAHMS, CAHMS referred us to Barnardos. Barnardos came out and said we wouldn't benefit from parenting classes and referred us back to CAHMS.

I know I should count to ten but sometimes (such as this morning when DS has been hyper from 5am and he is puttonghimself in danger) it's all too much.

Please could someone who understands where I'm coming from give me advice/point me in the right direction so I can be a better parent. DS can't help himself (although he does try) so I need to be a better parent. I just can't work out how to stay calm and parent him when things get too much. I sobbed my heart out on the way to work. I don't want him feeling like that or picking up on my stress. Please don't give me a hard time for losing it with him - you can't beat me up any more than I already am.

TIA

Best thing I learned?
Don't blame yourself, don't take things to heart and deal with stuff as dispassionately as possible.
Easy to say, very hard to develop!
No one here will give you a hard time, we've all been in your position, most of us many times.

Thanks all. I just hate that I get so frustrated with him. I will try the focussing on the positive rather than telling off. It makes sense really! I will also try some of the reading that was recommended.

I thought we were improving but the change in routine leading up to Christmas and over the holidays seems to have sent him hyper again.

I was hoping for some support on parenting from Barnardos but they didn't think we needed any! DS has no fear and no boundaries so can put himself in danger without realising and that's when I lose it really!

Will head over to Amazon for 'send in the idiots'. Can't wait to get home tonight and giv emy litlle man a big cwtch!!

Thanks Polter. We do 123 Magic - sometimes it works but sometimes DS decides it's funny to keep counting! Good idea about the diary. We do notice he becomes more hyper when his routine is disturbed so I will start making notes on that.

My main fear is that he he has no fear and I don't want to wait until he is seriously hurt for someone to listen to me!

123 magic is the programme recommended by my local adhd support group/charity. we had tried it in the past and failed but now with meds and our own adaptation of restraining him for timeouts when he hurts anyone it is having a real impact, at least dd has not been hurt in many weeks.
if your ds thinks it is funny to keep counting then it sounds like you might not quite have a handle on the technique. The key to it is no emotion, just 1...2...3. and whatever consequence you have decided on (timeout, loss of screen time, earlier bedtime etc) We use iallowance app on our phones (synched via iCloud) which has really helped keep track of things and we reward him for self care like cleaning teeth and dressing himself. There are satisfying noises for good things and bad things which really help focus the mind too.

You know what. Kids are resilient.

There is absolutely no harm in your child learning now and then and seeing first hand how their behaviour causes another person to react. And it is also good for you to respond naturally occasionally, as you would to any extremely testing situation.

I'm sure you probably manage to hold it together and act Mary-Poppinsy most of the time but it is impossible to do it relentlessly and especially when your parenting challenges are harder than for most.

You need to make accommodations for your child, but you need to make accommodations for yourself too. You cannot hold yourself up to any exacting standards.

There is no consensus on good parenting typically developing kids so given your situation there us absolutely no point in setting yourself up against anything really.