Posted here & in Step parenting for possibly differing opinions

[Eliza22]

Ok. So, my ds, aged 13 has autism. Also a diagnosis of OCD and has had to take Prozac from the age of 9. He's bright in lots of ways and articulate. EOW he goes to his dad and his partner of 3 yrs. I pride myself on getting on well enough to make life ok for all of us. I am polite and behave well with his girlfriend because she has a role in my son's life. I'm grateful for that.

This is what happened this weekend. Ds loves The Simpsons, MarioKart and Karl Pilkington. Dad hates all that so, EOW ds leaves his "self" at home and goes to dad & partner. I asked my ex if he'd try to make an allowance and let ds watch a bit of Simpsons (his new Xmas Box Set) with dad. He agreed.

Yesterday, ds comes home. His Simpsons disc not watched. Why? Ex's partner said ds had to eat his salmon steak or no Simpsons for the weekend. So, ds starts to chomp through said fish but couldn't eat it all. No Simpsons. At all. All weekend. I am livid as a) ds is trying ever so hard to develop an appetite and he finds eating very hard b) the watching of the Simpsons DVD with dad was agreed by ME and HIM. It was not conditional on food consumption.

What would you do? Ds was kind of resigned to the fact that "his thing" isn't welcome at dad's. He no longer takes anything with him except his NintendoDS3 and one game. He's not allowed to take his iPad nor films.

I would be talking with both his lady love and him about what has happened here without any rancour or raised voice from you. Your behaviour needs to be above reproach. Let them shout instead if needs be, they'll just look stupid for doing so.

She seems totally ignorant when it comes to autism and likely has no idea what ASD or OCD actually are. But I have to look at your ex as well - why did your ex not pull her up on her behaviour towards his child?. Is he a man or a sap?.

She insisting that he had to eat all his salmon steak or no Simpsons is actually to me cruel because its being done as a form of punishment and done also out of a complete lack of understanding. I'd be pushed to eat a whole salmon steak to be honest and I like that particular fish.

Is contact formalised btw?. Does he really have to go there every other weekend?. Surely his Dad could tolerate the Simpsons once every two weeks.

Why can't your son take his ipad and films?. Why have these restrictions been placed on him and by whom?. Is she the driving force behind that?. Your son is his child and the child's needs come first; not his or this woman's. Your son won't want to go there at all at this rate given all these restrictions placed on him. Does his Dad really want a relationship with his son or not?. Who is more important to him really, this woman whom he is now with or his child?.

People must start talking to each other and be honest too.

Its out of order to use an agreement as a punishment. No clear boundaries when you move the goal post.

Maybe have a chat with ex, about setting clear expectations and boundaries?

Why isn't he allowed to take ipad or films? and why did he take a film, if its not allowed?

Sorry just realised it was your ex's partner and not your ex partner who said no film.

You say he is not allowed to take films or ipad and only one game etc. You must have agreed to this in the first place.

Then ex is agreeing something with you, after it has already been agreed by all that it isn't allowed, then his partner is intervening.

Seems a chat is needed by all.

I think your ds shows pretty amazing behaviour to have to forgo one of his pleasures in the first place at the whim of your ex. Not that I think dc with autism can't comply with others' rules, but it sounds like he dealt with this exceptionally well considering the sudden (and irrational) rule change tbh - well done him.

Imo your ex's girlfriend needs to start to learn how to understand your ds and autism pdq.

The usual "my house, my rules" line which is bollocks anyway imo has no bearing in this situation. Your poor ds.

I try to have clear rules about things with my ds (asd) too, ie actions have consequences, but would never randomly impose new conditions out of the blue. Totally unfair, and actually downright mean considering his autism and the food issues.

You also sound very calm and measured. You don't have to be grateful to your ex's partner for being involved. Ffs she's not doing you or him a favour, he is the son of the man she has chosen to be with. She needs to respect your ds, you, and the decisions you and ex have made for your son.

Thanks everyone, for your replies. DS is typical of the spectrum in that he can surprise me with being very "normal" and then stand looking at his toothbrush for 10 minutes as if he's NEVER seen one before and has no idea what to do with it! I have spoken to exH. I kept calm and said that punishing a child who has major food issues relating to his condition is not acceptable. Ds has no urge to eat and it's taken years of making food and mealtimes "pleasurable" rather than an ordeal, to get him to the stage where he is gaining a little much needed weight. I said that we had an agreement and that in future, I'd be grateful if his partner would not create stress where ds doesn't need it. Tonight, ds sat staring, hollow eyed at his food (a favourite dish) and said "I don't want to watch anything tonight and I can't eat all of my potato". DS has only just mastered using a knife and fork again, after his OCD wouldn't let him touch "weapons" .... I don't need him being punished .... His self-harm issues take care of that one, nicely.

Late response, but never mind.

Your DS sounds brilliant, I'm impressed that you aren't out scratching their car, and your ex and his girlfriend sound like right pains in the ar**. However, even though most step-parents are quite nice and definitely nowhere near this annoying, my views are unlikely to be the same as you'll get on the step-parenting board

I think the Simpsons/TV thing is just not worth pursuing. For whatever reason, they have very, very rigid views about screens, about suitable activities and interests, and they are happy to ignore any prior arrangements you have agreed on that matter. No point flogging a dead horse, particularly if the horse is stubborn and determined to stay dead.

The food thing, that's different. Being unkind about not being able to finish a large piece of fish is actively harmful. It's not the lack of Simpsons in itself; it's the use of threats and punishments around eating.

Deliberate and sustained withholding of a non-edible treat that had been promised isn't nice. It won't get them what they want: to have your ds eat up nicely, it will make it much less likely. But clearly they don't see this, and probably any attempts by you to explain will make them worse.

Your ex & partner might well have extremely strict rules about what should be eaten, when, and how much, but your ds has a recognised disability, is on medications that can cause stomach acid, has had knife/fork phobias, is underweight and has had ongoing food issues that took forever to sort out. And if they can't deal with that without harming him, it isn't a safe place for him to visit. Though before deciding on that, it's probably worth seeing if they can learn a little more about autism/ OCD/ anxiety and food. Or even just about kids, appetite and mealtimes!

Eliza22 you sound like a fab mum and your lad sounds lovely.

I think you have handled the situation well, with dignity, under the circumstances!

Morning ladies (assuming you are all ladies!). Thank you. You speak much sense..... How can it be so difficult for DS's own dad and stepmum to "get it"?

Another day begins....

My ex and his partner were very similar, in as much as they had no understanding of ASD or ds. They were not harsh, just had no rules or boundaries and it didn't take ds long to say he didn't want to go there anymore.

Morning Eliza, I think you hit the nail on the head when you said at times your ds can act very 'normal', to some people, with no understanding of ASD or difficulties, this means when they do NOT act 'normal' they are playing up or 'getting you at it'