Reposting from chat. Please help!

[Faverolles]

Ds2 is 8, being assessed for possible ASD. He's fine at school, but violent and aggressive at home.
We have some times when things are relatively calm, and we feel that we know what we're doing, then we have weeks like this week, which are absolute hell on earth, and drive us to near breaking point.
I don't know if it's a normal back to school thing, but every evening this week, we've (all the rest of the family - me, dh, ds1, dd and ds3) been threatened, punched, slapped, bitten, spat at, sworn at, insulted constantly.
I can't cope. I know he'll calm down a bit at some point, we'll still have this behaviour, but not as intensely. But for now, the whole family is struggling.
We've explained to the older dc (13 and 11) that they need to back off from ds2, when he's feeling angry, he needs space.
Ds1 in particular seems to think that we are favouring ds2 because he gets more time with us, but this week he has only had more time because he has been wound up to the point of being a danger to himself and the others, and one of us has to help him calm down (he usually ends up sobbing that we should just kill him) and basically supervise him.
Ds1 cannot resist winding him up, he doesn't seem able to back off, so we have more outbursts than we should probably have.
I don't want ds1 and dd to feel responsible, but I want them to understand that how they react to him makes a huge difference to the severity of ds2's behaviour - is this unreasonable of me to expect this? (Really, I genuinely want to know!)

Dh and I are relatively new to this, it's only been a few months that we have allowed ourselves to see that there is a problem, and not a naughty child/crap parent situation.
There isn't really anyone in RL who gets what's going on, mostly they think we're soft on him(we're not), or suggest that we get really cross with him (like we don't do that already, but it doesn't work and makes the situation worse)
He has been referred to CAMHS, but that could take months.

We have noticed that we can do practical things that have helped - putting a tent over his bed, giving him opportunities to tell us how he's feeling, and do something calm with him if he's feeling angry, not taking him to the supermarket etc.

This week is off the wall though. Please, please tell me what else I can do to help him. He's such a lovely little boy when he's not angry.


^ I posted the above in chat, I had a thread in here a while ago, but I've lost it.
I really need practical advice. I feel like our family could break up over this, and I don't want that to happen.

[youarewinning]

Fave - you've had some great advice here and I echo it all. I'm part way through the DXing process with DS (9). Also likely ASD.

The school thing is actually Verwoerd ell recognised by good teachers. My best friends a teacher and says she is never surprised when the parents of her 'best behaved' pupils say they are nightmares at home. it's not unique to nt children! But the issue seems to be getting some people to understand that that doesn't mean children with SN can present in the same way - iyswim?

[Faverolles]

Thank you both
He's very happy and calm this morning, but I know that things will kick off later.
He's off school again today as his asthma isn't stable enough yet to go back.
I'm going to try to speak to a gp this morning to ask what to do if he gets into a state like he did last night.
Can I ask if it's normal for dc with as to be suicidal?
For dc who have reacted to singulair (like he did), suicidal thoughts are quite common, so I'm not sure if this is normal for aspergers?
He says he hates himself when he's angry and would rather be dead than keep feeling angry most of the time :(

[Faverolles]

Sorry your ds feels like that sometimes. How old is he?

Ds had an appointment with the asthma nurse at hospital today. The nurse was so lovely, straight forward and no nonsense that I ended up telling him about last night (I don't think ds would have carried out his threats, but the things he was trying to do, he could have easily slipped and seriously hurt himself).
He has promised to speak to the paediatrician to try to speed things up and get more help, and said if we had an extreme night like that again to take ds straight to A&E. He said ds would be kept in overnight and help would be found immediately. Either way, he said 6 months is too long to wait for the next appointment.
Ds is furious/upset that I told him, but I think (hope) I did the right thing, and for the first time in 2.5 years, I feel like someone actually listened and understood how difficult things are.

[Faverolles]

We've had a calm couple of weeks. Not quite sure why, but possibly a combination of things - we haven't been out much, he's been taken off his antihistamine, we've been following advice in books and he's started on omega3 vitamin sweet things.
This week though, we've had a family visit, which has meant some awful behaviour.
DH and I feel like we're getting to know triggers etc, but we can't always avoid them. It would be very easy to not visit anyone ever again, as meltdowns after are guaranteed!
I've had a rough couple of weeks with family, as they seem to know exactly what's causing this behaviour - house too small, still have ds3 sleeping with us etc etc.
After the couple of lovely weeks we've had, I'm convinced that the main thing making things stressful and the older dc resentful and unhappy is ds2's behaviour, and having read blogs and posts about siblings of dc with AS, it all looks too familiar, but no-one in my family will accept that, there has to be a blame, some magic wand to make everything better.
The thing is, we can manage, we are spotting triggers and dealing with meltdowns so much better than we were, but I miss being able to offload to people without having it spelt out that everyone is on the spectrum, but it's quite dismissive to hear that Aunty X can't go into a nightclub because it makes her feel ill, noisy toys make Y feel stabby, but they don't need a label.
I've also been told that most clever people have aspergers, all it is is being very bright. Fantastic, that really helped yesterday in the garden centre when ds was calling me a fuck piss cock shit, that's what all bright children do?
Whilst I'm on about swearing - ds knows (in calm moments) that swearing is not ok (he's like a reformed smoker when he hears people swearing out and about!). Is there any way to reduce the swearing when he's starting to kick off? Ds3 is at an age when he repeats everything, and I worry about what he's going to come out with.

[Faverolles]

He is less violent when he's sweary - never realised that before! Every cloud and all that :o

Ds also told me that a boy at school (my friend's ds) keeps telling him he's spoilt and horrible to me, so I can only imagine that he's been told stuff by my friend

It all feels quite isolating.

[Levantine]

Faverolles my 7yo ds1 has a dx of asd and ADHD. It is all quite new to me too, he was diagnosed in August. It is a real rollercoaster and the worst time for me was when we had been referred for assessment but didn't have a diagnosis. It is really tough dealing with that uncertainty, and ds was very violent at around the same time.

Things that helped were scaling activities right back, lots of time at the adventure playground, physical exercise really helped, and reading the Explosive Child. It is really tough. Agree with polter, that friend isn't a friend. Other people's reactions can be very hurtful.

[Faverolles]

Thank you :)

It's been a challenging day today. Ds has been angry all day, which I've noticed triggered ds1, who became bolshy and obnoxious, winding ds2 up.
He's kicked off at every little thing, swearing at me, punching and kicking.
We've had two long walks, which have made him tired, but made no difference to his anger.

I'm slowly getting through The Explosive Child, finding ways that ds responds better to. I'm also finding the 5 point scale helpful, as ds will now identify how he's feeling and we can go upstairs so he can calm himself down.

Is it normal that we feel in control for a bit, feel like we're getting something right, then one day he'll wake up and nothing we do makes a difference?

[Faverolles]

Another Is this normal?
When we're with familiar people (my family) who we see fairly regularly, say once or twice a month, ds is completely fine - to me he appears a little awkward, but probably no different to any other 8 yr old boy.
Occasionally he will get a bit hyper, but again, he's an 8 yr old boy.
They have never seen him how we see him at home.

Is this normal that he can mask it so successfully, or are we somehow making things worse at home?
Dd tried to talk to her cousin (also her best friend) about it, and how difficult things can be at home, but her cousin completely dismissed her saying he was a normal 8 yr old.

[Faverolles]

Thanks Polter :)
I'm a bit clueless about all this.

[Faverolles]

Sort of seeing a connection for ds1 and dd's anxiety with ds2's behaviour.
Last couple of weeks everyone was so much happier, now we're back to dd worrying about nothing and ds1 being obnoxious and obstructive.

I can see how Asperger's can take over your life, we're constantly thinking about how to avoid meltdowns now and how to make dd and ds1’s lives easier.

[Faverolles]

I can't wait til they go back to be school!

[Faverolles]

The SENCO at school is pushing for some support in school, but I don't know how much it'll help, I don't know what happens?
Ds will now admit things that bother him - he doesn't like his teacher as "she talks too much" and that hurts his ears, I've told him that he can move and sit further away, but he doesn't want that, doesn't want attention drawn to him.
Another teacher has a very loud booming voice - again, hurting his ears.
I'm not sure how to help him when he's so reluctant to be helped

[Faverolles]

I'll have a look for that, thank you :)

[Levantine]

I think the main thing about school is that they should move away from using their generic behaviour management strategies on him. Your ds may be experiencing school as a very punitive environment at the moment.
My ds has similair issues around noise. He sits at the front of the class and has a card he shows the teacher if it is getting too noisy for him. Slightly different issue to the teachers voice being too loud, but I think the thing is it gives him a sense of control and of being listened to - there might be something similair school can do for your ds.

There might be an autism outreach school in your area, if so then push for the senco to get them to come and see what strategies would help your ds. Also occupational therapists are good for this. It can take a while to get this all in place. If your Senco is any good you could ask her what strategies they have used successfully for other children on the spectrum?