Reposting from chat. Please help!

[Faverolles]

Ds2 is 8, being assessed for possible ASD. He's fine at school, but violent and aggressive at home.
We have some times when things are relatively calm, and we feel that we know what we're doing, then we have weeks like this week, which are absolute hell on earth, and drive us to near breaking point.
I don't know if it's a normal back to school thing, but every evening this week, we've (all the rest of the family - me, dh, ds1, dd and ds3) been threatened, punched, slapped, bitten, spat at, sworn at, insulted constantly.
I can't cope. I know he'll calm down a bit at some point, we'll still have this behaviour, but not as intensely. But for now, the whole family is struggling.
We've explained to the older dc (13 and 11) that they need to back off from ds2, when he's feeling angry, he needs space.
Ds1 in particular seems to think that we are favouring ds2 because he gets more time with us, but this week he has only had more time because he has been wound up to the point of being a danger to himself and the others, and one of us has to help him calm down (he usually ends up sobbing that we should just kill him) and basically supervise him.
Ds1 cannot resist winding him up, he doesn't seem able to back off, so we have more outbursts than we should probably have.
I don't want ds1 and dd to feel responsible, but I want them to understand that how they react to him makes a huge difference to the severity of ds2's behaviour - is this unreasonable of me to expect this? (Really, I genuinely want to know!)

Dh and I are relatively new to this, it's only been a few months that we have allowed ourselves to see that there is a problem, and not a naughty child/crap parent situation.
There isn't really anyone in RL who gets what's going on, mostly they think we're soft on him(we're not), or suggest that we get really cross with him (like we don't do that already, but it doesn't work and makes the situation worse)
He has been referred to CAMHS, but that could take months.

We have noticed that we can do practical things that have helped - putting a tent over his bed, giving him opportunities to tell us how he's feeling, and do something calm with him if he's feeling angry, not taking him to the supermarket etc.

This week is off the wall though. Please, please tell me what else I can do to help him. He's such a lovely little boy when he's not angry.


^ I posted the above in chat, I had a thread in here a while ago, but I've lost it.
I really need practical advice. I feel like our family could break up over this, and I don't want that to happen.

[Faverolles]

I've spoken to dsis and sil (a TA) about this, to get some other opinions.

Dsis is fuming on ds's behalf. No way should his difficulties be announced to his peers, and no way should it have been publicly announced that he wasn't doing any homework.
She has advised me to write a letter to the ht (poss an email will do?) to ask for the full story, and to say if these issues continue (and they do :(), we will have no option but to consider moving school.

I have spoken to the teacher a few times explaining that ds needs to know exactly why he has been told off (actually, I think all children have a right to know exactly why they are in trouble!), and this simply isn't happening. Too many times ds comes home full of threats against MrsX because he doesn't understand why she told him off.

Sil said from a school's point of view, to make sure I ask for their version of events before I go in guns blazing.

[Faverolles]

She has form for not backing off from the dc with autism at school, and has often been hit, or had things thrown at her, because she keeps on pushing.

Without a diagnosis, I don't think she will ever believe there is a problem. (With a diagnosis, she'll probably still not believe and think that we're indulging our little darling )

[Ineedmorepatience]

Hi faverolles it is incredibly frustrating when you know your child isnt being supported properly isnt it!!

Dd3 was in a class with a teacher who was completly failing her for a short time this/last year. Dd3 became very unhappy very quickly.

It has forced me to reassess my relationship with the school sadly because it is a lovely school with one or two weak links.

I now email all problems, avoid conversations with the teachers and take everything through the Head or SENCO.

Dd3 got moved into the parallel class but is still having pretty much daily problems with the teacher who just totally doesnt get Asd and cant be bothered to learn about it

Dont be afraid to fight to get your sons needs met, you are his advocate and he really needs you to continue to fight his corner for him.

The teacher who humiliated him about the homework needs to be told that that is a totally unacceptable way to treat any child never mind one with SN's!!

Why some people are in Teaching I really dont know

[Faverolles]

I spoke to the teacher and Headteacher, and it was said very quietly so no-one else heard.
I've asked about golden time, and said again that he needs to know exactly why he's in trouble.
We bought ds his own tiny trampoline this weekend and he spent 6 hours on it in one go! And not one bounce on the furniture. Hurrah!

[Faverolles]

The hospital rang earlier to say they have a cancellation this afternoon!
I made the stupid mistake of talking to my mother and sister about it.
The upshot is, we should think very carefully about doing this to ds. Does he really need a label?
I get the impression that they think we're exaggerating how crap home life is (we're not).
We we're at my parents on Sunday. Predictably, ds was lovely, perfectly behaved, kind and helpful.
As soon as we got home, he was back into angry mode, lashing out, swearing, nearly gave his sister a black eye.
They're probably right, we are shit parents and we only have problems at home (and shopping and out in town etc) because we are rubbish parents who wouldn't know discipline if it whacked us in the face.
Feel horrible now :(

[Faverolles]

We're back.
The dr was really nice, asked loads of very detailed questions about ds's behaviour and things.
He said there's enough to go by to suggest he is at the high functioning aspergers end of things, but doesn't know whether he would get a formal diagnosis.
The waiting list for assessment is 2 years. We're seeing the dr again in 6 months to see how we're getting on.
He's recommended three books which I'm going to look for now.

Feel a bit flat now. Yes there's a problem (it feels better that I know I'm not imagining things), but we're on our own now as to how we deal with it.

[Faverolles]

What sort of materials and techniques? How do I find out?

We have to fill in a questionnaire, and school are being sent one too. I'll request something in writing when I send that back.
In the next two years, we will be thinking about secondary school for him, I assume I'd need it in writing for whatever school we decide he'll go to?

[Faverolles]

What should I tell ds? He asks why he gets angry, but I don't know how and what to say.
He was there at the appointment but was fairly oblivious to what he said.

[Faverolles]

Taken out of my hands. He's just asked about autism and aspergers.
Have explained what I can, but he's got his butterfly brain in tonight and keeps changing the subject!

[Faverolles]

Thankyou, that's teally helpful.

The books the dr's recommended are

Asperkids
Freaks, geeks and asperger syndrome (he thought that might be good for ds1 and dd to read)
The incredible 5 point scale.

Don't know if anyone has an opinion on those?

[Faverolles]

The asperger children's toolkit looks good.

[Faverolles]

He has a sprained ankle. He has crutches, we left the hospital with strict instructions for him to sit down and rest. Ha!
How? Short of tying him up, I have no idea :o
He's practising on crutches, practising getting up and downstairs on his bottom, showing off to his little brother, getting up for a drink, anything but sitting down!

[Faverolles]

He has sat down for about half an hour at most.
The rest of the time he's pacing around on his crutches, and getting quite speedy.

[Faverolles]

We've had a very calm day today (no school - coincidence?)
He was a bit worried about aspergers, as he thought it was a disease or something that would make him ill, and was very relieved when I told him he was fine.
He's told me some of the things that bother him.
Noise - his own noise is fine, but other's noise is terrible, particularly going to the supermarket and his little brother crying.
Driving in the dark - I assumed it was bright lights from other cars, but he says that doesn't bother him too much, it's the dark that makes everything look purple (???) that hurts his eyes.
Being teased - he hates it when anyone is mean to him, and teasing, even if it's meant as a joke, is mean, and is always meant to be mean. (I kind of agree with him - you don't tease someone about something unless you know is sort of true)

So I feel like we've got something to work on now. He understands that he's not naughty (or he understands for today). He was concerned about swearing, because he knows that that's really bad! but I've explained that if he can let us know what makes him angry! we can put things into place so that he doesn't feel like that.

Everything feels a bit better today, more hope that we can help him.

[Faverolles]

I posted this in chat for traffic, but it didn't work :(
Not really sure what I should be doing.
When he calmed down, he said he feels angry most of the time, and would rather be dead.

"Saw paediatrician last week who said he was most likely on autistic spectrum, probably aspergers.
He has a chest infection at the moment and is on steroids and ab's. He reacts badly to steroids - becomes extra aggressive and violent, on top of his usual very high levels.
Today he has been off the wall, angry, swearing, punching, and then went berserk and has been threatening to kill himself - finding anything he can get his hands on to make a noose, making all sorts of threats to everyone at home at the moment, cannot be left unsupervised. He's 8 btw.
The paed wants to see us in 6 months time. The waiting time for an assessment is 2 years.
Without a formal diagnosis, we can't access any help.
I'm still waiting for some books to arrive to hopefully give us a clue what to do, but the ones I have got all seem to expect a level of cooperation from ds to be able to get away from the constant awful behaviour.

He's calmed down for the moment with his iPod and a beanbag in a quiet, dark corner, but he's still saying he's not part of the family and that he is going to kill himself.

What do I do? I've spoken to the GP before and they don't offer any help beyond the referral. If I mention that he wants to kill himself, they mutter about CAMHS, who we are already involved with (two dc with anxiety), but they are fairly useless and won't offer any practical advice.

So where now?"

Thank you for any replies.

[Faverolles]

When his asthma gets out of control (which thankfully doesn't happen that often), steroids are the only thing offered. I spoke to an asthma uk nurse a few months ago and she agreed, so with ds, the emphasis is on prevention at all costs!

Now he's on them, it'll probably take a good month for them to be out of his system and he'll be back to "normal" levels of aggression.

When he's at the doctors, or anywhere else, he is well behaved, sometimes awkward, won't meet eyes, says odd things, but is relatively quiet.
No-one else sees what we see at home, and no bugger believes how difficult things are most of the time :(

I snapped at my mother tonight because she was quizzing me about a family wedding taking place in summer. I don't know how we're going to get through tomorrow, let alone planning 6 months ahead.

Someone posted something on FB today about special mummys and daddys being chosen for special children, well someone cocked up big time with dh and I, didn't they, because we're not coping at all :(

[Faverolles]

Thankyou for answering again Polter! I do appreciate it!

I'm going to ring the GP tomorrow and try to work out what to do.
Steroids should come hand in hand with strong sedatives in this house! (And I'm only half joking)