So sad and fed up.

[Holycowiloveyoureyes]

We're waiting for an assessment with the autism team for DS, nearly 7.
After a horrendous day yesterday were he was so stressed out after having a supply teacher at school,we had a chat this morning.

I asked him what stresses him out at school and to tell the teacher if he's feeling stressed. He told me school doesn't stress him out, he's only naughty at home because he hates home, he loves school and not us :(

Maybe we are the problem after all. Maybe it's just coincidence that the days he's awful at home are the days things have been different at school or the timetable hasn't been stuck to.

School says he's very well behaved there, no trouble at all. Yet at home he's violent, shouty, aggressive. He clicks his throat constantly when anxious or stressed. He won't eat or be near certain foods as he doesn't like the texture, he panics about going out to busy places. I could go on.

I feel like I've broken him. That we must have done something so strong for him to be like this as he's so perfect at school.
He told me the other day he loves his teddy more than he lives me :(

Sorry, I just needed somewhere to get down my moan.

*Something so wrong.

You sound so down that I didn't want to leave this without a reply. It's sounds really hard and I'm not sure I have anything concrete to say except point out that children who don't feel loved and secure at home probably don't say things like that to their parents - I think they'd be scared to - he trusts you and trusts your love for him. Hold on to that even though what he's saying must hurt.

There is a theory that autistic children don't form proper attachments with their parents as the world is too overwhelming for them. I have similar issues with my son (also 7), not sleeping, smearing poo, aggression, not eating and stealing food.

My son was well behaved at school UNTIL he went up to Juniors in September, now his behaviour at school is deteriorating rapidly, he simply cannot cope. We are fighting to get him a statement, so I would definitely start investigating that now, sadly, it is common for the more passive AS children to go off the rails once they hit year 3 and expectations are far greater.

Sorry, I don't want to upset the OP, I read that theory on the adoption boards on this website last week and It rung true with me. I know my son doesn't show attachment to his parents. I ask him for a kiss or cuddle and he spits or hits, it's heartbreaking.

Thank you all. Needed the hugs, today is a shitty day. Got a banging headache and now just had my card declined in asda. It's OK to sit curled up in front of the TV isn't it?!

Polter, I have the explosive child and been using some of the techniques.
He can be so affectionate, last night when he was stressed he only wanted me, when he'd calmed down he let me cuddle him. When having a meltdown he can't be touched by anyone but when coming down needs hard cuddles and rubbing. When he's like that the light hurts his eyes, he can't bear noise and even his taste buds seem heightened, it's like his brain goes into overload.

In the school holidays he's so much more chilled out even though he insists he isn't stressed at school. I think he likes the routine of it.

I selfishly want him to meltdown there, so they can see what I see. That makes me awful I know but it's so hard him being good there and horrendous at home :(

In the grand scheme of things he's not severe, he isn't as bad as other children so I feel guilty getting so upset about it all. I need to get a grip.

Hi fwiw I found my son's behaviour and relationship with him much more difficult once he went into nursery and then ms school. Prior to that, we barely knew about his issues as he was such a happy boy at home. I also noticed a pattern of him being happier in the hols. Since starting special school in yr2 he seems to me to be back to the happy boy we knew in his early years. Don't get me wrong, the learning difficulties and the occasional meltdowns are still there but they don't overshadow his personality. It could be about the environment he is in but taking it out on you. Sorry if this doesn't help, it's hard to explain but I felt at times my relationship with my child was being judged but luckily I could see the patterns in his behaviour. The right support could make all the difference.

Yes looking back his aggressive behaviour started when he started nursery.

It's not awful to want him to meltdown at school, it's really tough when school don't get it at all.

All last term DS's teacher said to me, every day when I picked DS up 'He's had a lovely day'. Hmm. On the two days he's been back this term she's told me that he got upset because a piece of sticklebricks fell off the thing he was building and because he didn't want to line up. I don't want him to be upset, but I'm pleased he's starting to show it a bit more at school IYSWIM.

reluctant as I am to say it, I am beginning to think my son would be better off in a special school, somewhere where his sensory difficulties are managed. I'm beginning to think that that's the bottom line with autism, not so much impaired communication, but extreme sensitivity to sensory issues, impacting every single area of their development.

The attachment is there with autism, it's just demonstrated in different ways to the norm sometimes. e.g My ex who an aspie won't take any medication unless he has cleared it with me, despite having a close cousin who is a pharmacist and us having been split up for 10 years.

In the case of a child, parents (esp mum) are often the ones they feel safest releasing pent up poorly understood emotions around. hard for us, but an expression of attachment as they bottle up their feelings around other less trusted adults.

Sensory issues are a huge thing for DS1, too.

Think of it this way. You're writing out an envelope and you make a mistake. No big deal, you correct the mistake or start again.

Change the scenario to writing an envelope, while the room is too hot, someone next door has been drilling and hammering for the past 3 hours and something smells awful, but you can't get rid of it. Meantime, someone is sat, either side of you, also writing envelopes, and their pens are scratchy and their elbows are in your way. Added to all of that, your hand already aches and the last thing you feel like is doing more writing.

If you do manage to motivate yourself to write that envelope, in these circumstances, that mistake is going to piss you off a whole lot more.

Oh god, if he's writing or drawing and makes a mistake it's like the end of the world. He screws it up, shouts, stomps around saying he's rubbish and useless. I hate to hear it.

If he's trying to do his reading book and say his sister is making a noise he gets very upset, shouts to shut up, I can't think. Will cover his ears and then usually ends up smacking her.

I can relate, and I have first hand knowledge of just how devastating sensory issues can be. I have mild AS (probably would have been diagnosed HFA as a child, but that's another story!) DP insists I switch the oven fan on when I am cooking, but when that fan is on, making a noise, I can't cook. All of my cooking capabilities fly out of the window and I can't function, because of this one sound. This is how it is for our children

This is a really good video showing what sensory overload can be like.

What really worries me is when we finally get people in to observe him at school.
As the teachers say he's fine so the observer may not see any problems. Or will they pick up on subtle signs the teachers don't see?

Mostly what the teacher's mean when they say he's fine is that he's not causing them any problems.

Educational Psychologists or others going in to observe will be looking at more than that, like how he interacts with the other children, and should notice more subtle signs.