ometimes I feel like living with dd1 is like living with an abuser.

[ditavonteesed]

Another day another school run that has me sat at home in tears about how vile dd1 has been to me, I know I need to man up and ignore her but just sometimes I feel like I really cant cope. She is so jekell and hyde, one minute she is lovely and something sets her off, she told me this morning that all her anger is my fault, I make hyer angry so I should just put up with it. The thing is she is not really like this for anyone but me and dh and noone else sees it. She has a refereall to the pead but I dont think they will see it either. She does the most amazingly kind and lovely things, she saved her pocket money to buy me a pencil case for my work things for christmas. The she will just switch, noone can see what is going to make her switch, this morning it was trousers, half an hour of screaming at me and then she just switches back. Thing is I struggle then, how can I just start having a nicec conversation about a bobble hat with someone who has been hurling abuse at me for 30 mins.

I am starting to think my fil is right and actually she does not have sn (dsylexia and dyspraxia and maybe aspergers is what they have suggested she has signs of) and I am just a really crap mum.

I want my home to be a happy relaxed place but we are all walking on eggshells all the time, we cant just let go and have a pillow fight or anything as dd1 will get carried away and it will end in a meltdown. Am I just that uptight that I am ruining her childhood?

bugger I meant to change the title, sorry I know it is inflammatory I meant to change it and I forgot before I posted, please dont have a go at me about the title I am sorry.

If it is any comfort to know there are fellow sufferers then I admit that ds2 is like this at the moment. And yes dh and I wonder too whether it is just our parenting skills. ds2 does have a diagnosis (AS) but it his anxiety (which is undoubtedly a result of his AS) that cause the problems. Are school also having problems and are they supporting you in trying to get a diagnosis? A lot of us find that it is school anxiety that is one of the biggest problems so you really need to try and get help from school to support her needs.

How old is she, dita?

DD3 is very 'Jekell and Hyde', too. She's so highly strung and has ideas and thoughts way beyond her age, that she just wells up with frustration.

I find, with her, that jokes, ignoring the fact that she's raging and screaming (pretty difficult) despite her escalating, and saying things passively to let her know I'm ready to calm her, help.

I find that ignoring the screaming leads her to poking me, prodding me, pushing and hitting. But after a few minutes, there is a little crack in her armour. I start saying things like 'goodness, you're so angry' or 'oooh trumpy bottom' (she's only 4), etc., and she growls and makes faces, but eventually, there is a little softening.

What was it about the trousers this morning? Often, with DD3, there is a practical cause of her tantrums. Her socks used to set her off, so we bought seamless socks. This holiday I've bought seamless knickers, which have helped enormously, and new school trousers that are softer.

My DS was as sweet as pie today until we were in a taxi and the driver went to (slightly) the wrong place. DS started on at me, obviously it’s my fault for not making the taxi go to the right place first time. When things go a bit wrong DS often does this and it drives me slightly insane. The rational part of my brain knows it’s his anxiety and perfectionism kicking in, but I still have to take lots of deep breaths, do my calming visualisations and recite my mantra!

I know what you mean about feeling abused; when my DS was first diagnosed (with Asperger’s) I saw a counsellor myself and although she didn’t know anything about Asperger’s she accepted what I said - that being blamed for things really made me feel terrible and my DS couldn't help it and he wasn't going to stop anytime soon. She helped me work out the visualisations that I use to keep myself calm and protected. And there are a lot of ordinary things (like pillow fights!) we still can’t do because DS can’t cope with them, which is sad.

So no, you are not alone in this, and you are certainly not a crap parent. You are a great parent trying to make sure your DD gets the help she needs.

You know, we get this and sometimes I feel exactly the same. I divorced my ex for less.

I just have to remind myself not to take it personally. His emotions are very extreme and very black and white. He can be jumping about in front of my face, bumping into me, standing on my feet. I can calmly ask him to stop because it's very annoying and he's hurting me. Because he's already hyped up, he'll swing from bouncy to angry, defiant and shouty or complain pitifully that I'm not very nice to him. He's like an irrational toddler-teen hybrid.

This is very helpful to read. I'm having an awful time at the moment with Ds age 4. His behaviour is so difficult and the meltdowns are so frequent. I feel like a referee in my own home. It doesn't stop and I am really down at the moment with it all.
I cannot see any light at the end of it. And yes I feel like a crap parent.
Sorry for rant