School refusal by DS Y7

[pannetone]

DS is HFA with severe anxiety and is not coping at MS secondary. He coped less and less as last term went on. He has a pass card to go out of lessons when he is 'overwhelmed'. He doesn't use it because that would mark him out as 'different'. He refused to go to a science lesson last term and was allowed to do the work in a learning support classroom. He hated that because there were unfamiliar students there. He could go to the learning base at breaks but won't because his friends will think he is even 'stranger ' than they think he is now. (bTW this is all his reasoning). Major panic over the weekend and today that he can't cope in school. Got him in on the basis he said he was going to come home afternoon 2 lessons. I am at a loss on what to do now but we can't go on like this with him threatening to self harm.

after 2 lessons.

Does he have a learning support mentor that he could spent time with and chat over what bothering him , that they could maybe find some solution to the problems .
The not wanting to be seen as any more different is very valid in there eyes , the learning base is not the place they want to be seen .
Is the library available , my child would go there and play on the computer . It was usually quiet , so felt safe in there .
Does school have councillor who could help him with his anxiety , could they change his time table to allow him some down time , with his mentor .
Also could he have a private signal he can use with the teacher , to get a time out from class with having to show a card or ask . That teacher then send them out for five minutes .
These are given on trust that he will return to class .

We used some of these for my son last school , the reason his anxiety was bad and getting worse was due to bullying , some of it low level stuff , kicking chair , taking stuff out his bag , getting him in trouble with teachers .

School did try but was kids that where problem and they where not going to change , that in the end we decided to move schools.

This is also happening because his needs there are simply not being met.

Is there a Statement in place?. If not I would apply for such a document whilst they are still available. Is the SENCO approachable; I would be seeing this person in any event.

Thanks for the suggestions homework. When he got home from school he said that he had been given work to do in the library after he went to the learning support base at morning break for help. He is still worried that his friends (he has made 2) will ask him why he wasn't in the lesson and they will think he is 'strange' - and then he escalates that into a worry that they are 'going off him'.

When he got home he was pretty upset that the SENCO hadn't let him come home at morning break. She told him that I had spoken to her and asked her to tell DS that he could come to her when he felt stressed. I actually asked her to contact me if he was very upset so we could decide if he should come home. He was more upset than he has been before but she didn't phone me. DS now thinks I can't be trusted that he will be allowed to come home if he is finding things too difficult and once in school he will be 'made' to stay. He also thinks the SENCO is minimising his difficulties telling him lots of children find it hard at the start of a new term.

I am not sure that the school has a 'learning support mentor' - don't know if the SENCO thinks she is doing that role but it is not working for DS. Should the school be 'finding' one for DS? The SENCO has suggested DS sees the school counsellor, which isn't the same as a mentor. DS not at all keen but agreed today to end the conversation. DS has been (still is?) under CAMHS - he did about 10 CBT sessions from Jan to June last year but he hated going, thought he was 'in trouble' for not being able to talk about his feelings or 'deal' with them and in the end he refused to go. I sat in on the sessions and I have to say I often wasn't comfortable with the therapist's approach.

I will investigate the 'private signal' option for taking a 'time out' - I imagine it relies on the techer being pretty attentive if it is a subtle signal - like a particular pencil case being put out on the desk or something?? But I agree it would work if it was the teacher 'asking' DS to go out.

No Attila no statement. Actually I have just applied for HFA DD in Y4 and got a refusal to assess. The thing with DS is that I have real difficulty seeing how he can be supported in MS - he will not accept anything that draws attention to his difficulties. He needs more 'invisible' support of well-informed and considerate teachers - for example he really struggles in any subject where he says the teacher 'hates' his class - this usually means a teacher who shouts and threatens whole class detentions. And although I have complained/explained how one teacher in particular is causing DS particular stress because of their whole-class approach there hasn't been any change, apart from the teacher telling DS that he (the teacher) isn't a monster and that DS could smile in lessons.... That didn't help.

Appeal their refusal to assess re your DD (on what grounds did they refuse to assess btw) and apply too for a statement for your son. He needs extra support and without anything in place (is he for instance on School Action Plus?) he will be given no allowances whatsoever.

Is there anything that he can use as an excuse to his friends , say like he has extra French/ English as an excuse for being in the learning base . That school have arrange this as compulsory , so he has no choice but to go .
Loads of kids in my son old school , if demeaned that they not making an expected grade even ones on grade a would be given extra if they feel below this.
My son learning mentor in this school was fantastic , he hated leaving her , they formed a really good relationship , she would help him with ideas on how to overcome things he found difficult , listen to him vent when he felt picked upon . This wasn't the senco .
Hard when they go back on something that they say there going to do , as this then loses the child's trust . She should have asked him why he felt he needed to go home , was he sick , not that me and your mum agreed you to stay . Even if you had she should have explained to him he can't just leave school as they have a safety issue with this.
Your going to find harder to get him in tomorrow , there will always be teachers they don't like that's normal and will make them fit in more with there peers.
It's hard especially when they don't want yo draw any attention to themselves but finding it hard to cope by themselves . The catch 22 .

Thanks for your further responses.

Attila - I am not sure if DS is on School Action or SA+ - I will find out. I am pretty unclear as to where I stand with getting the LA to agree to assess my son for a statement - my LA says that they have given enough resources to MS schools to enable them (with top up funding if necessary) to meet SEN. This was the reason that they gave for their refusal to assess my DD here. So apparently there is no need to assess anymore! The logic appears to fall down in that they are making an initial presumption (without doing a detailed assesment of a complex child) that her needs can be met in MS....

homework - yes, it is going to be hard to get DS to go in tomorrow. Actually once again I don't know if I am going to be able to get him in - or if I should. He is so anxious - worries about teachers, the work, being late to lessons, eating in school and his current 'biggie' that everyone will think that he is 'strange' . And he told me this evening that he has found a spot at the back of the library where he can't be seen so he can go there to be upset . I am concerned that he seems to regard the learning support staff as not understanding him and adding to his difficulties and feels that he can't trust them. He needs a mentor-type figure.

Hope you manage to get him in tomorrow , shame she did that today's as easier to get somewhere when they trust the person involved with them .

What does he think about the hfa dx , is he aware of this , he obversely knows he's different from some of the other kids in school . Does he like idea of being an individual or does he prefer to be part of a crowd .

Does he speak to you about his anxiety and how and when it manifest itself , is it when he can't do a piece of work , or when break happening and he thinks that his friends are going to abandon him . Is he being pick on by any one in particular .

If you let him off tomorrow your only going to find it harder to get him in the next . Is there a particular TA / teacher that he's formed a close bond with who will listen to him , take him seriously , and try help him find solution to what bothering him.

Even if this person says to him look sorry I don't have an answer for you at the moment but maybe we could work out one together , or even admit that they don't know might help him . It's hard cause kids always think adults have all the answers and to admit not to might also help him realise that everyone is only human , that we all have faults including teachers.

Hi pannetone how did he manage today . Did you get him into school .

Well here hoping you had an okay day.

Aw thanks for thinking of us homework. No, I didn't manage to get DS in today and yes, I am concerned that it is going to be even harder tomorrow! It has become a bit of a 'trust' issue - he doesn't trust the learning support staff to 'look after him' and deal with his difficulties.

We may have hit a bit of a 'brick wall'. DS was upset that they wouldn't let him come home yesterday when he wasn't coping. Today I have clarified that the learning support staff - which means the SENCO who we are dealing with- aren't allowed to let a child go home. That is only allowed to happen with 'prior arrangement' from the Head of Year. And I have to ring him and 'negotiate' that - I thought the SENCO would liaise with him. I'm now waiting for the HOY to ring me. When I spoke to the SENCO later that she intimated that it isn't likely for DS to be given permission to come home part-way through the school day.

DS has agreed to allow the SENCO to speak to 2 of his friends and explain he needs a bit of support. (Not disclosing his diagnosis). Hopefully that will help with his worries that his friends think he is 'strange'.

I have rung CAMHS - DS is still on their books. I am waiting for the CBT therapist we saw last year to ring me back - not that DS or I want more CBT sessions!

The school want DS to start using his 'pass card' when he is overwhelmed in lessons. DS says it won't help because he feels he is drawing attention to himself if he uses it. He also says 5 or 10 minutes out of the class won't get rid of his panic. He is being encouraged to use relaxation techniques but at the moment his panic spirals and he needs someone (preferably me) to calm himself.

I asked the SENCO about a learning mentor - she said one of the learning support assistants sometimes took on that role. She thought DS would be better off seeing the school counsellor who is 'trained' to deal with problems. I think a trained learning support mentor would be best for DS! I think DS would be much better seeing someone who in theory is helping him with study skills and organisation - he would accept that better than the idea of going to talk to someone about his feelings and difficulties.

But now after a relaxed day - once DS had got over the 'feeling bad' about not going in - the worry about tomorrow is building up again...

Oh I didn't answer your question about knowing about the HFA diagnosis. We told him amonth after he got the diagnosis and he has now known for a year. He is not at all happy with it . He already felt different but having it confirmed that he is 'different' makes him feel even worse ATM. It is very important to him to 'fit in' and he is very conscious of how different he is because of all his sensory sensitivities.

He does speak to me about his anxiety and it is over so many things! Having the right equipment in lessons, getting work correct, getting an answer wrong in class, being late for a lesson, a new or supply teacher, classmates thinking he is 'strange',losing the (few) friends he has made... Then you have to add in all the sensory stuff like a noisy unstructured lesson, a teacher shouting, worries about eating anything other than his set packed lunch in school, disturbed by some visual stuff in subjects like science, smells in food tech... the list goes on

Sorry he having such a hard time , can relate to some of this , although my child wanted to fit in he didn't mind being a bit different , he just say that we all individuals , so two people are the same .
Some of the anxiety around thing like getting to class and teachers shouting , will eventually settle down towards end of year , as he get use to the surrounding and people more .
Having the correct equipment and making sure homework completed I use to help my son with , so we have chart on fridge that we write each piece of home on once done we place in homework folder in his bag and cross of chart . I made sure that everything was done to good standard .

Pass card my son wouldn't use either due to it making him look different , but if he was getting really stressed he place his silver pen on desk , never wrote with it cause found it to slippy to write with , she / he notice the pen and send him out with a note , so class though he was doing a favour , or being sent to hoy don't know . But he go out usual to bathroom wash his face and just breath , to help settle him down .
If he was really worked up and knew he couldn't go back he go to learning base who would find his mentor for him , she was actually bit of god sent . He doesn't like loud noice and found some classes very disruptive , even in new school he still complains to me about this.
He did eventually get given extra support in few lesson to help him keep up with the work , as he found it hard to do writing and actually listen to stuff at same time and would always have large gaps in amount he had written . Once they got this sort his grade where really good .
Shame that bullying just continued dispite them to certain extent trying to help move them to opposite sides of class , etc but not ever teacher kept there eye open to things happening , then he got assaulted and lost any confidence he had . So every little thing became an issue . That moving him was our best solution.
He more settle now , but struggling again academically , as still trying to get correct support in place .